3/25: the emo in me

started friday off with life group morning prayer as part of our "missions training" for Detroit Partnership Day.  its so encouraging to see the members come out to morning prayer b/c i only expect a handful of members to wake up, and when i see almost a dozen people piling into one of the baby rooms come 7 am, i'm reminded of how much God has been blowing my expectations out of the water with this group.  i'm humbled and thankful, and there's no better feeling as a life group leader.

one of my favorite parts about life group morning prayer is the breakfast afterwards.  its not just the scrambled eggs and cappuccino chip muffins.  its the company.  its the smaller and more intimate setting that lends a comfortable atmosphere.  its the early hour that frees most of my inhibitions, and im more relaxed.  im not just their leader in those mornings; im simply chilling with them.

on the way to mojo after CCRB-ing

my favorite dorm breakfast food -- even its powdered origins don't dilute my feelings

the source of the freshman 15 has been discovered

LCG with rebecca afterwards.  im thankful that God has brought reconciliation between us, and im thankful for the lessons i've learned through this unprecedented relationship.  but more than that, i'm thankful because all this time, God has been working and simmering under the surface.  like a slow-cooker.  i think she's been learning a lot of things about herself, things that no one person could have taught her, things that she had to experience this past year, things that i believe God sovereignly brought into her life to not only open her eyes, but also to start seeds of change.  i know that God will continue to move and work in her life in the years to come; even when she's not directly searching for transformation, He's gonna keep planting and watering the seeds whether she realizes it or not.  and that's the best thing i could ever want for her.  

had dinner with gelareh at sadako as a part of ACCESSout.  i met gelareh when esther brought her out to life group last year, and i've been trying to establish a friendship with her over the past 2 years.

one of my new fave rolls: green grass

im thankful that God gave me the privilege of meeting gelareh, and i see that it truly is a privilege to know a sister who doesn't know Christ, especially as i'm seeing that God's heart truly is for the lost.  His is the heart that will search high and low for that lost coin.  His is the heart that will leave all 99 of His sheep to find that 1 sheep.  His is the heart that will run halfway to meet His prodigal son.  the heart of God is one that loves the lost, and to be able to know and befriend one of the lost truly is a privilege.  but at the same time, i've been a horrible steward of this tremendous privilege.  i've known gelareh for 2 years, and i feel like i haven't been very bold in my conversations and times with her.  i feel like i've been tiptoeing, tiptoeing around certain topics, tiptoeing around the possibility of engaging in deeper conversations.  im not exactly avoiding the open doors, but i just don't actively search for those doors to share my faith.  i think the timidity first started off as not wanting to come off too strong.  but now, the cautious timidity has progressed into something lazy, craven, and almost pointless.  where's the power?  where's the boldness?  where's the confidence?  where's the purpose?  i almost feel like my times with her are pointless, not at all because i don't preach the Gospel, but wholly because i don't point to Christ.  there's no substance in the times when we meet.  at the end of the dinner, gelareh and i decided to have dinner together one more time before i leave ann arbor.  i hope that this last meal i share with her will be a time of power, a time of boldness, but most of all, a time of real substance and purpose.

afterwards, my life group got together to make care packages for our sister life group, though it took 2 hours to even get to the grocery store due to waiting/lounging around.  

delivery to our sister life group at mojo

watched "500 days of summer" while our goodies baked in the oven.  i love "500 days of summer."  i love the witty script.  i love the indie soundtrack.  i love the sweater vests.  i love the endearing protagonist.  i love the actor.  i love the creative directing.  i love the last bench scene.  i love its unconventional style.  i love its brutal honesty.  this movie definitely represents one of my faves.  i fell in love with the trailer 2 years ago, and its one of the few movies that has lived up to its trailers.  

its hard to pick my fave lines since there are a lot of clever lines in the movie and just some awesome scenes in general.  but a smattering: 

Rachel Hansen: Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate.

Partygoer: So Tom, what is it that you do?
Tom: I uh, I write greeting cards.
Summer: Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be.
Partygoer: That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other?
Tom: I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that last forever, like a greeting card.

Tom: She took a giant sh*t on my face. Literally.
Alison: Literally?
Tom: Well, no, not literally. That's disgusting.

Paul: Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real.

Tom: So I guess I should say congratulations.
Summer: Only if you mean it.
Tom: Well, in that case.

Tom: You never wanted to be anybody's girlfriend, and now you're somebody's wife.
Summer: Surprised me too.
Tom: I don't think I'll ever understand that.  I mean, it just doesn't make sense.
Summer: It just happened. 
Tom: I know, right, but that's what i don't understand - what just happened?
Summer: I just woke up, and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.  

Tom: You know what sucks?  Realizing that everything you believe in is complete and utter bullsh*t.  It sucks.
Summer: What do you mean?
Tom: Well, you know, destiny, soulmates, true love, and all that childhood fairy tale nonsense.  You were right.
Summer: No.
Tom: Yea.  Why are you smiling?  Why are you looking at me like that?
Summer: Well, you know, I guess its cuz I was sitting in a deli reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it, and now he's my husband.
Tom: Yea and so?
Summer: So what if I'd gone to the movies?  What if i had gone somewhere else for lunch?  What if I had gotten there 10 minutes later?  It was meant to be.  And i just kept thinking, 'Tom was right.'
Tom: No.
Summer: Yea, I did.  I did.  It just wasn't me that you were right about.

i hadn't seen the movie since watching it in theaters 2 years ago and watching it again with my life group friday night got me - i shamefully admit - a little emo.  in general, im a sucker for movies where the boy doesn't get the girl or vice-versa via epic tragedy.  this is why "the english patient" is my favorite movie.  this is why i loved "snow falling on cedars," "house of flying daggers," "shakespeare in love."  why i loved the lois and clark scenes in "superman returns."  and what i like about "500 days" is that its not epic tragedy, but simply reality that prevents the two protagonists from getting together.  in one scene, tom asks summer why she and her ex didn't work out.  and summer responds with, "what always happens.  life."  that's the thing - the tragedy is not some dramatic event or reason that tom is looking for.  its simply life.

one reason why i love this movie is because i'm tom.  im a shameful female version of tom.  i love the dramatics.  i love sweeping and epic love stories with impossible odds and tragic endings.  i want dramatic, over-the-top reasons for things.  i like to write stories in my spare time (though i don't write as much as i'd like to anymore).  when i was in undergrad, i'd be sitting in my classes like orgo, and instead of taking notes on stereoisomers like a good little girl, i'd sit there and write pages of dialogue for an unwritten but fully imagined story.  usually, these stories would be melodramatic, and almost always, i'd envision some tragic ending.  for example, theres one story that i started writing my freshman year about a girl's first love, and though i'm far from done with it, and there have been a slew of subplots and supporting characters added in over the years, the ending has remained the same in my head for the past 6 years: she doesn't get the boy.  despite her return, despite her confession, he still marries another girl, and my protagonist is left at the wedding reception, saying goodbye to him one final time.

its the emo in me.

im a total tom.  so that final bench scene is excruciating and engaging to me because i'm receiving those cutting words of reality at the same time he is.  in general, that bench scene is just plain awesome.  the dialogue is brutally honest, joseph gordon-levitt's facial expressions tear me up inside, and the truth of the script is searing.  i love the scene's unapologetic honesty and frankness.  its exactly the ending and explanation that the audience needs - the plain, old truth: the anarchy, reality, and injustice governing the realm of boy meets girl. 

and if that bench scene or my tom-relatability were not enough, there's my absolute favorite line in the movie: "robin is better than the girl of my dreams."  pause. "she's real."  when i first heard that line in the theater, i was floored.  and when our life group saw the movie again, i was blown away again.  there's so much truth to that!  the next couple paragraphs is just my emo-self-silliness, so lisa, when you look back at this particular blog post years from now, i hope that you can read this next bit with some levity.

as girls, we have this list of things that we want in our future guys.  things like humor, height, culture, chivalry, similar interests, similar vocational vision, liking kids, etc, etc, etc.  there's a whole laundry list of preferences.  we even have things called "non-negotiables," as if we have some ounce of say to who God will lead us to in the future.  its funny because some of these "non-negotiables" i hear from other girls seem so...negotiable.  age?  really?  is that really a non-negotiable?  i doubt that a sane, functioning young woman would reject an awesome guy simply because he was a year younger than her.  in any case, this guy in our dreams, this perfect man on whom we've taped attributes to, he's awesome but he's not real.  there are real men out there who may not match everything that we want and are looking for, but are men who love God and will love us.  and that's real.  so is it really settling if a girl stops waiting around for that "perfect" guy, that "guy of her dreams," and finds a real guy?  who cares if he's not the perfect guy.  life is about following and loving God.  not marrying the guy of your dreams.  not finding the perfect man. 

the guy of my dreams is a super-holy joseph gordon-levitt-look-alike who passionately loves God and radically follows Christ, inspiring and challenging me in my own relationship with God, who can pull off the sweater vest look, who appreciates and enjoys film, who's more musician than athlete, who i find hilarious and vice-versa, who proves super-affirming and supportive, who can admit when he's wrong, who holds a heart for missions, and who's a shameless foodie.  this is a tall order, and perhaps, an impossible one, and maybe, just maybe i have to let go of this man of my dreams.  b/c one day, God's not going to lead me to my custom-version of a holy joseph gordon-levitt.  he's going to lead me to someone better - someone real.