yesterday afternoon gently rolled by. started with morning prayer (which is my Lent commitment - yikes), then running (i can't believe exercise is becoming regular), went to study, research scholarships, work on some administrative stuff for grad school, and take care of emails. the afternoon was like...this peaceful wave of productivity. not frantic. not frazzled. not overwhelmed. just doing the things i needed to get done, no time restraints or immediate deadlines. i think im gonna try and soak these easygoing afternoons cuz im sure once school starts, the words "time" and "gentle" probably won't ever be used in the same sentence.
went to prayer gathering yesterday evening. my church's prayer gatherings are usually a "hit-or-miss" for me. there are some nights when i'm hungry to pray, when i can't wait to meet and talk with God, when i really feel His Spirit in the room, when i feel like i'm on the same page as Him, when there's a smooth flow, when there's genuine wrestling, when there's fierce intercession. and then there are some nights when i walk into that room physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from the week, when the last thing i want to do is pray, when it's hard for me to get my heart in the right place, when i'm self-focused, when there's no flow, when all i can think about is myself, when it takes a full hour for me to get my heart submitted enough to finally pray genuinely with eyes focused on Christ.
thankfully, yesterday night was the former and not the latter. :)
last night was more of an open time of prayer in that it was less about praying for specific topics in groups, but more a general time of personal prayer: for repentance, thankfulness, and the church. out of that time, there were 3 major reflections that warranted a late-night journal entry afterwards:
1) The image of a storehouse --> Psalm 27.4 has been a consistent prayer for me this past year. Jesus says, "Many are called, but few are chosen" in Matthew 22.14 and that freaks the crap out of me. my greatest fear is that how i feel about God at this moment of my life will change and fade in the next chapter of my life. im scared that after i leave this place, when im all out on my own (in the spiritual sense), the love that i feel for God right now will fade and become lukewarm. im scared that i won't be one of the few who are chosen. b/c yea, right now, im telling God that He's the best part of my life, that I love Him, that I'll follow Him forever, but if peter said that he'd never disown Christ and he ended up denying Christ 3 times shortly after, then i definitely can't say forecast the course of my walk with God. i know that only by His grace can i continue to be His disciple, that only by His grace can i continue to grow, and that only by His grace can i continue to know and follow Him. and by His grace, i'm asking God, knowing i have no right to ask this, but asking him anyway, that each year, i will fall more and more in love with Him.
that's where the storehouse comes in. im trying not to be naive about the transition that's coming up. after talking with susan about how hard it was for her last year transitioning from CFC down at UofI to going back home to chicago for grad school (an eerily similar situation) and after talking with some other friends who've left HMCC, i know that its not going to be easy spiritual transition. and i wanna prepare. here in ann arbor, God makes it easy for me -- sunday celebration, life group, prayer gatherings, ACCESS, TC, in addition to the meetings throughout the week with younger sisters and peers who remind and point to Christ; the guiding structure and pervasive community nurture and protect a growing relationship with God. to go from that to nothing at all - hard might be an understatement. i know that the upcoming season will test out the convictions that have been sown over the past 6 years here.
i think God was telling me build a storehouse in my heart with the remainder of my time here - a storehouse filled with God's love, goodness, promises, joy. and the way to build that storehouse is through prayer. i have to sow in prayers for the new season. and this storehouse has to be deep. it has to be deep so that during the hardest famines, i can pull from that storehouse, even if its just for a single kernel, and be able to remember the greatness, goodness, and amazing love of Jesus Christ.
2) initially confessing and repenting of my spiritual pride led to God opening my eyes to sin after sin, one of which is how much i love the praise and approval of man. living for people's approval has been something that God has had to put through the fire a lot over the years, something that He's still putting through the fire. its His grace that leads us to repentance, and i asked God yesterday for His grace to help me to live for an audience of One. when i leave this place, Father, help me to have a heart that does not desire the accolades of the people around me. when i leave this place, God, help me to have a heart that does not need a personal sense of accomplishment. instead, Jesus, when i leave this place, help me to have a heart that solely desires to hear You say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
3) im thankful that God is returning me to a humble posture. and im thankful because God answers the prayers of the humble. yesterday night, as i was praying for my life group, there was an older sister in the group that i felt particularly broken for, and i asked God, "please, Jesus, please. please convict her of her sin. convict her of how far she has been from you lately. convict her to repent. convict her, Jesus." over and over again, "convict her, God, convict her." this has been my prayer for her all year. its march now, i thought that maybe this prayer would go unanswered.
but last night, God reassured me that He was listening. He reminded me that He loved this sister far more than i ever could, and that He was looking to bring her back to Him. yesterday evening, after prayer gathering, she approached me, out-of-nowhere, and i was pretty surprised because it's been a long time since i've seen her at prayer gathering. she asked if we could talk. and as we slipped away into one of the baby rooms, i couldn't contain my smile. as she shared, i saw the beginnings of a conviction and the beginnings of an answered prayer.
after our conversation, i felt so much peace. all the heaviness and burden that i was feeling for life group....idk...God just lifted it away. by the time i got home for my leaders accountability meeting, idk...i just felt so much peace concerning life group. i think i re-surrendered this group into God's hands. He has the members' best interests. He loves them more than i do. He desires to bring them back to Him, and He will do it. that conversation with the sister reminded me that God is the true shepherd of this life group, and that He's going to be their "life group leader" for the rest of their lives. so it's going to be ok. lisa, your members don't have to be these crazy, committed, and radical prayer warriors by the end of the year. lisa, just love God and love them.
daveed emailed me last night (after prayer gathering) about how its important to meet people where they are, and how meeting people where they are is an important part of leadership. how sovereign was the timing of that email? he was right - i can't be frustrated or impatient with the timeline of my members' spiritual trajectory. im a product of 6 years of brokenness and refinement in undergrad. how can i force that timeline onto a freshie? geez, lisa. remember when you were a freshman? you never went to church and the only reason why you came to life group was because you had a crush on one of the seniors. yikes. Hallelujah for God's redemption.
i write this post feeling a lot lighter about my life group members. the desire for them to love and know God fully and completely is still there, but i think what's been added on is the knowledge and promise of God's infinitely greater love for them and the promise that He looks after His children.
No comments:
Post a Comment