my roomies and i were supposed to go to toronto this weekend, but due to some unexpected and last-minute schedule conflicts, our trip got canceled. to be honest, i was looking forward to a chill weekend anyway. watching movies in pajamas while snacking on brownies and chips sounded fabulous. the idea of doing nothing sounded amazing.
some people from the church had planned to clean up crisler arena after the UM vs. MSU basketball game yesterday evening to raise money for the church. i had initially said i couldn't help out because of the planned toronto trip, but because the trip was canceled, anna emailed one of the point people and volunteered the both of us. and our cars.
and man, did my bad attitude come roaring out. i didn't even try to hide my irritation. i made it blatantly clear to anna through my grumblings and scowls that this was the last thing that i wanted to do with my time on a saturday night.
its not like i wouldn't have volunteered in the end. i would have. and i might have still had a horrible attitude. but i think i wouldn't have been so sour if i had been able to send my own email and if my roommate hadn't done it for me. and as i was steaming away on my walk back home from lunch, i realized how much of a baby i was. 23 years old, and i could still have the tendencies of a 5-year old. horrifying.
i realized that most of my bad attitude stemmed from the fact that i simply like to have things done MY way. in that instance, my way was to take my time in contacting the point people and sending my own email. i know -- it's ridiculous and inane. i see that now. as i was walking back home, i felt ashamed and embarrassed for how immature and selfish i had acted earlier that day. it was a cruel reality to who i really am. later that day when i was recounting my horrible attitude to some friends, i joked that i probably "stumbled anna," to which anna joked back, "what? who do you think you are? you didn't stumble me." heh.
exactly.
who do i think i am? why was i so shocked and surprised at the immature flesh that came out from me? did i really think i was so above those characteristics? did i really believe that i was a woman so mature that bouts of selfishness were beyond me?
cruel reality check.
i think that's one of the pitfalls of leading undergrad ministry. because you're continually in a setting of undergrads, of people younger than you in age, of people looking up to you, of people coming to you for advice and prayer, you start to actually believe in the delusion of your own maturity and old age, when in fact, i'm 23 years young, really just a kid, still in the process of character development and maturation like the rest of the undergrads. its easy for me to think im "older" because i've already gone through some of the struggles and questions that some of the undergrads have. but who do i think i am? the cruel reality is that i'm learning, struggling, and asking just as much as these younger guys are. i'm just as prone to being a 5-year-old as anyone else.
i think this was a good reality check for me, especially as life group will be closing out at 110 mph soon. i need to approach the remaining months in a posture of humility, of knowing who i am -- that i have absolutely nothing to offer. who do i think i am? reality check -- a 5-year-old sinner ridiculously and incomprehensibly loved by God. if ever i think anything i'm anything else, i hope God sends another one of those crisler cleanups my way to get my act together and my head straight.
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