4/25: looking back on leading

had dinner with jenny monday night.  on the menu: ramen + instant udon noodles, like the old days when we used to splurge on rice, ramen, and korean side dishes with the rest of our south quad life group buddies back when we were underclassmen.  and now, 5 years later, its crazy to think that we've both led and guided lil' underclassmen of our own; its crazy to think we'll soon be off to new life stages.  man...it really is going to be a whole new chapter because these past years, we've been in each other's lives, but for this huge transition, we...won't.  we'll be in completely different cities.  i guess this just emphasizes how much of a change this coming season is going to be.

jenny-tan hiding behind the blue moon ice cream we both barbarically devoured

since this past year was jenny's first time leading, one of the topics we talked about was how different life group is when you're a leader vs. a member.  its so different -- when you're a leader, you love and view the members in completely different way than when you're not leading.  and actually, i think this view also changes not only from member to leader but also from each additional year one leads.  how i've led, viewed, and experienced life group has changed and matured over each year.  my perspective on my members in this year's life group is so drastically different from my perspective when i first co-led life group 3 years ago.  man.  i was the worst co-leader on the planet.  i was so insecure, so selfish, and so caught up in my own struggles and issues.  did i even show the members the love of Christ?  ugh.  the thought of that first year of co-leading makes me cringe.  i was seriously the worst leader ever.  speaking of that year....

after dinner, elise, jenny, and i just chilled at jenny's apartment.  5 years ago, we would be sitting around south quad, stuffing ourselves with korean food, showing up late to life group and being plain old disruptive and rowdy in life group together.  haha.  wow...we were completely different people back then.  its crazy how much we've all changed over these past 5 years. and now, the three of us are all going to grad school, embarking upon our respective vocational paths.  craziness.  how'd we get so old?  i guess it's a good thing that we're still not the same immature people we were back when we lived in south quad. 

2006

2011

hanging out with both jenny and elise undoubtedly had me compare the trajectory of my relationships with them.  which brings me back to that first year of life group co-leading (or more like failing to lead), 3 years ago, when i was elise's leader.  ugh.  the memory of my epic-failness as a leader seriously makes my gut churn.  instead of being an older sister who was consistently there for her, who would passionately intercede for her, who would lovingly challenge her to grow in her relationship with God, i allowed my people-pleasing to cause me to be a callow and ineffective leader, i allowed my insecurities to have me look inward and not care outward, and i allowed my selfishness to get me consumed in my own struggles instead of the welfare of others.

yikes.  that was a bad year.  i was such a horrible, horrible, horrible co-leader.  but i think what's worse is that i wasn't the older sister i should have been to elise.  i was barely even a sister.

the year afterwards, elise was no longer in my life group, and jenny was in my new one.  and when i think about how much better of a leader and older sister that following year i was to jenny than to elise the prior year, i feel really sad.  maybe it was because i was only the co-leader in elise's life group, while in jenny's, i was actually the leader, so i had a greater sense of ownership and getting act my together.  or maybe it was because i had simply matured as a person and Christ-follower last year.  in either case, comparing those two very different years brings on the first of my regrets like a cement truck.  i should have challenged her.  i should have shepherded her along her relationship with God.  i should have probed and prayed for her.  i shouldn't have hidden behind the fact that our relationship had started as a friendship when we were underclassmen. 

that monday night, there was so much more i wanted to say to elise, but because jenny and i had to head off to our umpteenth COD reunion, i wasn't able to.  but i hope that the thought that i left with her was the thought of redemption.  i know that she's gone through ups and downs these past 5 years.  and along this wild ride, there have been good and bad choices, and there have been huge fails on my part as an older sister and friend.  but what i also trust is that where i've failed, God's always been there.  God has always been wanting to draw her closer to Him, no matter how doggedly she tries to duck out.  He loves her.  He loves her so much He refuses to let her go.  and while i might have failed, He never has and He never will.

i know that elise has forgiven me for how lame i was as her leader and older sister.  she's always had so much grace for me, a grace that is inexplicable and completely undeserved.  idk why she has so much grace for me; i really don't deserve it at all.  she has every right to be indifferent towards me.  but she's not, and though it doesn't make any sense, i'm thankful nonetheless that she has always let me off the hook.  in a way, she has characterized God's completely undeserved and illogical grace in my life.

2009 Grad Night

headed off to a COD reunion afterwards (i think this might be the 3rd one) at dolce vita.  the ballers paid for a whole slew of scrumptious desserts!  yum!

mike ordering the whole menu!

dan making a toast

visiting PQ and causing a ruckus at the fishbowl

i love COD.  leading and loving this group represents a stark difference from how selfishly i "co-led" good life.  and though i still struggled with a performance-oriented mindset last year with COD, i think this was the year that God showed me slowly but surely that life group was essentially and ultimately led by God, and that it's God's power, will, and Spirit that should be the emblem of a life group.  i think thats why this group will always be in my heart.  its a group that i learned to really love.  its the group where God started to show me what life group ministry is really all about.  its the group that first showed me the glimpses of the fruits of God's power and love, fruits that i'm still seeing to this day.  its the group that taught me what it means to really pray for people, to interceed on their behalf, and to love them and see them as God does.  i remember telling mike sometime last year that i thought that this was a group in which we needed to set a solid foundation, a foundation of solid rock and not sinking sand.  and i still stand by that perspective.  i think COD represents the good fertile soil these members needed for the seeds God planted that year.  this year, i've seen the fruits to those sown seeds.  whether its salvation, understanding God's love, beginnings of humility, first steps of spiritual growth -- this group is another reminder that the investment of lives, despite its seemingly many headaches, is so worth it.  there's nothing that i'd trade for the feeling of warmth and thankfulness i had looking at these COD-ers monday night, seeing the fruit of God's awesome sowing and tilling work.

4/24: Blind Side

Easter Sunday!  yay!  the Lord is risen!  cuz i had to serve for hospitality, i missed the first chunk of service, but overall, i thought the service was great.  i felt like the Holy Spirit was really moving in michigan theater, through the sermon and worship times.  idk why but i like that our church didn't have all these crazy choirs, skits, and dance performances.  the service was simply the basics -- the Gospel in its purest form, and a Spirit-filled worship proclaiming the power of God's love and the greatness of our God.

my hospitality team buddy and brad

brad passed out before service

afterwards, it was our last life group gathering.  omg.  SO EMO.  i had the life group come over to my place for lunch (used the slow cooker for the first time!).  i knew the gathering was gonna be kinda emo for me, so i was debating whether or not we should just keep the afternoon chill and easygoing to minimize the emo-ness, but in the end, i had them all share how they were blessed by God through this life group.  yikes.  i shoulda known i was going to be a mess. 

i didn't know what i was going to share at first, but as i was hearing everyone share around me, my heart was so touched with thankfulness for all God had done, and the words pieced together.

per wooseok, most quarterbacks are right-handed, and when they throw, they stand with their left shoulders facing down field, in effect, turning their backs to the defenders from the left side.  what does this leave?  a vulnerable blind spot or blind side that the left tackle needs to protect.


Blind Side.  i think this is the first life group i've been a part of where the name has been truly been demonstrated.  not because we necessarily have each other's backs (as i'm pretty certain was the first initial intention for the name), but because God showed me how much He was looking out for every single member throughout the entire year, and how He will be continuing to look out for the group in the years to come.  this was the year i couldn't "perform" as well as i would have liked to as a leader: my work schedule during the year was craziness and severely limited how much time i could spend with these guys.  i felt like i couldn't rely on my "skills" and abilities to propel this group.  there were so many fail moments for me as a leader.  but all the while, God was moving in their lives, changing and transforming them, showing them His love, guiding them, shepherding them, growing them, loving them.  its been amazing to see God move in each and every single life, even the ones who weren't as committed to the group.  He truly was protecting the blind side of this life group.

and that's what i see in this life group: God.  this whole year has been like this crazy love journey for me in a personal spiritual sense, a voyage of developing a personal love relationship with Christ, and this life group contributed to this amazing ride b/c i was able to see God in this group.  every single week, i encountered God's power, His love, His faithfulness, and His sovereignty.  i saw God in this group.  i was floored by God through this group.  i fell in love with God through this group. 

i won't forget how we started -- a humble group of complete strangers, struggling to find our dynamic without a set understanding of commitment, our spiritual spectrum scattered all over-the-place.  i won't forget how God blessed us at the undergrad retreat, sovereignly financially providing for several of our life group members, and even some pre-Christian friends, through the generous donation of our church community, how louise accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior at this retreat, how brad was invited to this spiritual community through this retreat, how james and anven were able to get their feet wet in a Biblical community.  i won't forget how over the course of the first semester God continually added to our number and brought our community together, knitting our disparate hearts together into a cohesive family.  i won't forget all the meetups, meals, and conversations shared with each member, how through these personal one-on-one times, God grew an irrational and illogical love in me for them.  i won't forget that first day coming back from winter break, sharing so vulnerably with my life group about what God did in chile, the most vulnerable i'd been with any of my life groups, crying and celebrating with them, and afterwards, interceding on behalf of different family members and situations for other members, demonstrating for the first time the intercessory heart i had been praying for all year.  i won't forget how God healed the illnesses of the parents of two members, miraculous healings that could only be attributed to our the Great Healer.  i  won't forget how God has been sovereignly providing financially for a particular member undergoing through dire financial times.  i won't forget the surprisingly fun, comfortable, and awesome spring break trip with a handful of the members when i had negative expectations.  i won't forget the morning prayers, physical trainings, and breakfasts we shared as a life group in preparation for our mini-missions trip to detroit.  i won't forget how God, by His grace, brought community, transformation, and salvation to our group.  i won't forget how God has moved in each individual member -- whether testing their future convictions, allowing them to feel secure in Christ's love, showing them the meaning of grace, revealing the fallacies in their religion-based faiths, drawing them closer to Him, etc, etc, etc.  i won't forget it, Father, and may there be a genuine flood of praise from our lips whenever Blind Side remembers this 2010-2011 year together. 

way too many seniors haha

Blind Side brothers

man.  there's a part of me that is so sad.  i'm so sad that i can't continue to be a part of these guys' lives as i was given the privilege to this year.  im sad because its so clear that God has such a hold over their lives and is going to continue doing great and awesome things in the coming years, and i want to be a part of that!  i want to see all of that!  i want to celebrate with them during their breakthroughs.  i want to be able to continue meeting with them and praying for them.  i want to be able to tangibly and physically see all that God is going to do in their lives.  and it seriously makes me so sad that i won't be able to.  that was a huge wrestling topic with God.  ugh.  even writing this now makes me feel sad again.  but during that prayer/wrestling time, God gave me peace, reminding me once again of the beautiful meaning of Blind Side.  "lisa, i've got their blind side.  even though you won't be here next year to see everything that i'm going to do, that's not the point.  I am going to do great things regardless.  I am going to show them more of my love, my power, my grace, my provisions, my sovereignty.  they are going to encounter me.  and I am going to continue lavishing my love upon them.  i started a good work in them, and i'm going to finish the good work i started in them.  I'm gonna do it, lisa.  I'm gonna do it because I love them, because I gave my son for them.  I've got their blind side for the rest of their lives."

sharing that with the group brought me to more tears not because i was sad, but because i was thankful.  its so true.  life groups come and go, leaders come and go, older sisters and brothers come and go, but God -- God is with them forever.  :)

it was a weird feeling when they all headed out of my apartment.  there was this emo-ness but also this huge feeling of thankfulness in my heart.  and even now, a couple days later, as i reflect prolly for the last time upon this life group as a whole, a passage comes to mind, an excerpt from a letter paul wrote the philippians, words that i write for my life group, words i mean with all of my heart.  thank You, God, for Blind Side, and all the good things that you have done.


"I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart, and whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me.  God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. 


And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ -- to the glory and praise of God."

- Philippians 1.3-11

4/23: beautiful day

saturday was brad's baptism!  yay!  i called him that afternoon to tell him i was going to pick him up at a certain time, and i could hardly contain my excitement over the phone.  haha.  by the sound of his subdued voice, i'm sure he thought i was being this weird and overdramatic old fogie.  haha.

there have been a bunch of baptism services over the years, and several that have been super-special for me, being able to go in the water with those being baptized, being able to personally place your hand on them as they symbolically begin their new life.  those moments are always special.  cindy was my closest friend when she was baptized years ago, and sharing that moment with her showed me that our friendship wasn't just fun and games, but that God was present too.  louise was someone i felt personally responsible for when she was baptized last semester.  her new salvation lent me our relationship a feeling of significant discipleship.  being able to share in her baptism also gave me so much joy (despite the hiccups during the actual service) because it truly was confirmation that God had saved her and given her new life, and seeing her live out her new life this past year has been a continual reasons for thanksgiving to God.

so unsurprisingly, for brad, there was the same uncontainable joy.  but the difference was that he wasn't a close friend or someone i was personally discipling.  he was different.  when he first asked me to go in the water with him, i was a little surprised.  i hadn't been as heavily invested in his life as i could have been.  but one thing's for sure -- i love this kid.  i really love him.  i remember meeting him at the undergrad retreat in october, when he was a complete stranger, when i thought he was this "too-cool-for-school" freshie who prolly thought our life group was weird and thought this retreat was super-uncomfortable.  but i still remember that last night of the retreat, when p. seth asked us to go around and pray for people, and i saw him sitting nearby and went up to him.  he was in such a different place back then.  hearing him share so vulnerably and so openly with such a broken heart -- it broke mine too.  gone were the judgments and assumptions.  sitting beside me was someone who was dying for God's love, and that made me so sad because it was so clear to me that God loved him so much, and that it was God's drawing and pulling love that even brought him to spend an entire weekend with a group of random strangers in the first place.  when i was praying for him, i felt like in that small shared space, there was a genuine intercession, and i could tell that the Holy Spirit was moving during that time of prayer together. 

since then, i've had a huge soft spot for him.  seeing brad grow has been such a blessing.  sure, i've "aww"-ed at the milestones of his faith this year, and those "aww" moments are no joke.  he came in, lost, confused, and thirsty for love.  and over this past year, he has been experiencing Christ's abundant and beautiful love for him, and i'm so thankful.  the work that Christ has done in his heart is simply amazing, and its not only been a privilege to be able to see this kid slowly restored into a relationship with Christ, but its also been such a gift from God this past year.  this kid is the picture of Christ's love and what Christ's love can do to even the farthest and hardest of hearts. 

after baptism, a handful of people commented that i must have been close to brad since i was in the water with him.  i'd like to think it was because of that prayer time during the undergrad retreat or because i'm some great Christian role model (haha).  but i really think its solely because of God's love.  experiencing, knowing, and receiving the love of Christ has been the theme of this year for him.  and i don't want to sound arrogant -- i think this is just an honest assessment/reflection -- but i think God used many people in the church community to show Him Christ's abundant love, one of those people being me.  i love brad.  i really do.  i can't help loving him.  and he's not like this superstar freshie who goes to every single event or meeting.  he's not like this rising underclassman who heads up all these outreach things and brings his friends to life group meetings.  he's just this super-cute freshie, this adorable little underdog, a guy i cannot help but love just for the way that he is, just for being him.  and i think that's what brad experienced about Christ's love this year.  God loves him for who he is.  for simply being, God is crazy about him.  after brad got baptized, i was so happy that i couldn't stop "aww"-ing and staring up at him.  haha.  after a while, he put his hand up in a stance of resistance and said, "whoa, lisa, there's just a little too much love here."  at first, i thought he was being serious, but seeing the sneaky smile on his face, i knew that he was rejoicing inside too. 

brad laughing at me for taking so many unnecessary pictures.  "what are you doing?" he asked, chuckling.

it was also a huge blessing to see dan get baptized.  i remember meeting with him in february (and blogging about it too haha), and that meal we were able to share together was so good.  it was good because as i was able to share openly and vulnerably about what God started in chile, i think the Holy Spirit was continuing to solidify a lot of truths about Christ's love into his heart that night.  and over this past year, it's been awesome to see him grow as a Christ-follower and beloved son of God.  i remember him last year -- he was a quiet, gentle, and committed kid.  though he was fairly taciturn, i could tell that this was a genuinely good-hearted, kind, and compassionate guy with a heart that was bursting with a quiet, under-the-radar, but still beautiful love for people.  and i'm so thankful that he is finally able to receive Christ's love for him, and i hope that one day, he'll also be able to see the wonderful guy that is so clearly seen by everyone around him. 

man.  like i've said before, its such a blessing to see the fruits of life group ministry.  to see dan testify to God's love, to take that step of faith in front of the whole congregation, brought tears to my eyes (as im sure it did to many eyes that afternoon).  sitting there, i was seriously so happy to see him know Christ's love in a deeper way.  God, thank You so much for working and growing in dan's heart this past year.  it's amazing.  You really love this kid, and all the prayers and conversations that were sown in -- it was all worth it.  sometimes we don't get to see the fruit to the seed we sow, and all we can do is trust.  but when we do have the honor of seeing the fruit, it's an undeserving privilege and one of the best things in the world.

dan!

and of course, it's the same feeling for brad.  who would've thought that this kid our life group had met at the undergrad retreat would have been such an indescribable blessing to our life group and would have been baptized at the end of the year without prodding or provocation? 

brad's testimony also brought tears to our eyes...we older sisters for sure were bawling

 beloved freshies :)

brad & his fan club (aka ladies of life group)

one of the more rabid fans

COD and dan

i love you, brad! :)

afterwards, we went to red robin for dinner, which was such a great chill time for our life group as our year together drew to a close.  eunil said over dinner, "aww, this is the perfect way to end life group" (meaning with brad's baptism), and on that saturday night, still sunny, no one in that table could disagree.  there was this atmosphere of joy, of lightheartedness, of genuine enjoyment of one another's company that warmed my heart.  i left that dinner with one of those rare warm and fuzzy feelings.  i'm so thankful for this life group and how much God has brought this random group of strangers into such a solid, loving community.  this group shows me how much i'm going to miss undergrad ministry.

saturday morning, brad's facebook status said, "what a beautiful day to be baptized."  Amen.  it was definitely a beautiful day.   :)

i <3 Blind Side

4/22: not because of who I am, but because of who He is

Good Friday.  i felt like this past Passion Week was such a spiritual fail for me.  i missed like half of the morning prayers, and i felt like my quiet times with God weren't as passionate and "on-the-ball" as they've been in weeks past.  if ever there was a fail week, why did it have to be the week leading up to Christ's ultimate sacrifice?

i guess this was a good reminder for me, and the best posture for me to approach the Cross for Good Friday.  in complete and utter humility, i realized that this past week was not about my spiritual piety or how well i was running the race.  the fact is, i was horrible, uncommitted, and lukewarm, but Christ still died for me.  He died for my sins and gave me new life not because of who i am, not because He thought i could be 100% passionate and steadfast in my devotions, not because He thought i could be this righteous woman of God, not because He thought i had something to give back to the people around Him.  if anything, i epically fail in all those departments.  instead, He exchanged His perfect life for my broken one simply because of who He is.  Because He is love.

i'm thankful.  i'm thankful that God, once again, revealed the weakness of my flesh and showed me the divine power of the love of the Cross.

there was a song that i was listening to this past friday, a song that i wasn't really fond of before (our church even sang it once in worship, and i wasn't a fan at that time either), but that friday, the song resonated within me.  i was sitting at espresso royale cafe, almost about to cry.  each line struck me like never before.

Jesus, thank You.  thank You for waiting at the door for me, for drawing me closer to You when i was looking the other way.  thank You for healing me, restoring me, for setting me free.  thank You for inviting me into this relationship with You, the greatest thing i have in this world.  i love You, Lord, and i want to spend the rest of my life simply being loved by You.   


 "A Beautiful Exchange" by Hillsong

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned I was
Lost and insecure
Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let you in
Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption
You carried all the blame
Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place
For my redemption
You carried all the blame
Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

My burden erased 
My life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away
And my only desire and sole ambition
Is to love you just the same

When only love could make a way
You gave your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

Holy are You God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love you

4/21: our great God

ugh.  missed morning prayer on thursday.  boo-sauce.

met with helen thursday afternoon.  man, that was nice.  not only was the weather super-nice (the sun finally decided to come out again!), but our conversation was such a blessing.  it's been a while since helen and i have sat down to talk, prolly since the beginning of the school year, fresh out of our spring/summer life group together.  i kept telling her this this past thursday afternoon, but the woman before me was a different person since the summer; there was a fresh change in her.  there was this spirit of peace about her. 

of course, during our conversation, i would remember our time in the spring/summer.  i remembered the things she had shared about, i remembered the events and decisions going on in her life at that point, i remembered her struggles.  and now, almost a full year later, it is an indescribable and absolute blessing to see how God has redeemed and grown each of those areas.  sitting outside the michigan league, bathed in sunlight, i was so thankful to God.  He has such a hold over life.  He had been moving powerfully throughout the past year, breaking her, humbling her, but in the process, deepening her faith, growing her relationship with Him, expanding her understanding of Him, allowing her to finally, finally, finally experience the fullness and beauty of His overabundant love.  Hallelujah.  there was so much thankfulness in my heart and such amazement for all the crazy things that God did in her life in a mere year.  it was incredible and reminded me once again of not only the greatness of the God we worship, but also the beautiful intimacy of the lover of our souls. 

man, that afternoon was such a blessing.  that conversation with helen reminded me of the greatness and power of our God.  God moves.  God is alive in us.  God challenges and refines us so that we can know Him more.  i know that this past year has been craziness for helen, but the fruit of His work was the peace in her, the peace that exuded from her, a peace only from God, a peace that transcends all understanding.  seriously, what a privilege to have been able to hear all that God had done in her life because it reminded me how much of a privilege it is to worship the God we do.  though i wasn't able to be a part of her life this past school year in the degree as i was with her during the spring/summer, the beautiful thing is that God was always there for her, that God was always her sole provider and portion, and that God will always be enough.  Praise be to our God.

a beautiful afternoon

had dinner/last LCG with louise thursday evening. 

"Braised Chinese Chicken with Water Chestnuts" & a makeshift dumpling soup after the potstickers exploded in the pot.  Plus, a cucumber salad with some fried noodles on top (my first attempt at a more substantial garnish)

i don't want to be a broken record, especially b/c there are plenty of posts about louise, but as a final closeout, i've been so blessed by this LCG and am so thankful for her in my life.  similarly with my time with helen earlier that day, louise's life reminds me of God's transformative power, how in a single year, He can save, He can change, He can heal, and He can restore.  about a year ago, she was in a completely different place -- a place of darkness.  God saved her life, and this past year, she has been growing so much in her self-confidence, solely because she has found her security in Christ.  it's been an amazing transformation process to be able to witness, and words cannot fully describe how thankful i am to have been able to be a part of her life this year.  God loves her so much.  He has been healing her heart, bandaging and treating past wounds, stitching her up with such inner beauty in Christ; the change never fails to astonish me.  while i was walking back with helen after our meetup, i was telling her i was having dinner with louise, and she also commented on how much louise had changed since last year, an observation that holds much weight since louise had visited helen's life group last year when she still didn't know Christ, when she was still trapped in lies and darkness.  Hallelujah to the God who saves, to the God who loves, to the God who heals, to the God who transforms, to the God who brings darkness to light.

man, God, You are so amazing.  there's no one like You.  You are truly mighty to save.  You have the power to change people from the inside out.  You are a transforming God.  You give the dying new life.

4/20: lunch with spiritual community

there are a buttload of things i've learned about spiritual community from HMCC.  as a freshman almost 6 years ago, "community" was an abstract term, a word loaded with vague connotations, with images of a group of people confined to some room like some kind of AA meeting.  community?  that wasn't for me.  believing that i was some sort of independent woman, i thought i was above that concept.  as a freshman, i had my chin held high, and i convinced myself i didn't need anyone.  in my pride, i thought it was me vs. the world. 

over the years, i've been humbled and broken.  and i've experienced what its like to hide my struggles from people and try to "fix" myself all on my own, only leading to further humbling and brokenness.  i've also experienced Christ's love through people.  although it was through people that a lot of lies were birthed in my heart, it was through people that God was able to heal my heart and help me experience the true power and meaning of His amazing love for me.  i guess God likes to work in full circles. 

another thing i've learned about spiritual community is what it doesn't have to be.  spiritual community is not just a super tight-knit group of people who knows everything about one another.  its not lovey-dovey, hand-holding, pinky-entwined, kumbaya friendships.  spiritual community is Christ's love.  and spiritual community can happen among a group of strangers.  we might not all know one another and what we're all going through, but as a spiritual community, we can still worship the Lord our God together, hearts and spirits unified in praise.  

case and point: lunch with david.  made pan-fried pork chops with a raspberry-jalapeno sauce that i kinda just made up, "Roasted Cumin-Lime Carrots" and a failed attempt at making a pea puree (i added too much potato and it just ended up being mashed potatoes).  

before that afternoon, i didn't know david at all.  i knew of him -- the loud and outgoing guy from last year's freshie class, the guy who's been in two of my roomies' life groups, a guy whose seeming personality reminded me of another loud and outgoing older brother who used to go to our church.  other than these facts and external observations, there was no shared context or even shared conversation that lasted longer than a minute.  so when he emailed me a couple weeks ago out of nowhere about meeting up, i was surprised, but pleasantly surprised.  i like meeting new people, and "random" meals can be refreshing. 

our conversation was surprisingly easygoing.  for someone i didn't share any context with besides church, i felt unexpectedly at ease.  maybe it was because david seems to be good with people and community-building.  but in either case, i was blessed by our conversation.  even though we didn't really know one another, it was good to be able to see God moving in his life.  despite all the tangents, rabbit trails, and jokes, i couldn't help but keep going back to the particular topic of spiritual gifts.  im sure he didn't even really notice, but i think i was blessed because it was so clear to me that God is really wanting to use this guy for great things.  it was so clear that God has given him certain gifts that can bring Christ to communities, to relationships, and to people.  idk if he even realizes this about himself!  haha.  but to be able to see God in his life, see God moving, even though i still don't really know this kid that well -- that was such a blessing.  im realizing thats one of the things i enjoy the most out of my conversations and times spent with people here -- seeing God work and move in their lives, whether they know it or not. 

afterwards, we worshiped together.  :)  apparently, we both love worship, so with guitar in tow, we sang a couple worship songs together.  i loved it.  im pretty sure he was weirded out in the beginning when i asked/told him that we should have a mini-mini worship session.  but whatevs.  it was awesome being able to worship God together.  in that moment, as we were singing "mighty to save" and "hungry," it didn't matter that we barely knew one another.  it didn't matter that this was our first legit conversation.  it was just about God, that afternoon was just about God, it was just us and Him, and that's how it should be.  i think thats what spiritual community is.  we might not know everything about one another, but in the end, all to God be the glory.  with david, there wasn't much of a past context.  and who knows what's in the future; he'll probably most likely remain an acquaintance, an endearing underclassman, especially cuz our paths will be in different cities for the coming years.  but in the present, on that wednesday afternoon, God was with us, and that's something i'm cherishing and will miss about HMCC here in ann arbor.

4/19: feeling at home

getting behind on these posts again....

tuesday dinner with sage.  made some "Chinese Dumpling Soup" (or more like salty dumpling soup) with the dumplings i made with steve over a week ago and some rice noodle patties from leftover "Peanut Butter Noodles." 

and then sage brought dessert!  a mango cake that was super light and fluffy (and had actual mangoes in the filling)!  did she know that mangoes are my favorite fruit?  i knew she was a prophet!

i've already written a couple posts about how thankful i am for how far our friendship has come, especially over this past year.  its crazy to think that i barely talked to this girl just a mere 2 years ago.  if i didn't have life group after our dinner, i'm pretty sure we could have just chilled out and chatted away for a couple more hours; that's how comfortable our dinner was.  i think this really speaks to God's clear presence in our friendship.  our personalities are starkly different.  and yet, when it's just the two of us, there's this comfortable air.  i feel like i've been friends with her for a long while, not just for a year and a half.  that's the amazing thing about friendships that are Christ-centered and Christ-formed, and i hope and pray that i'll be able to find surprising friendships like these when i go back to chicago, friendships that are impossible in the realm of worldly possibility, but so very possible by Christ's sovereign power and love.  is it weird to say that she made me feel right at home in my home?  haha...i think that's how awesome one-on-one times can be with sage; she really makes you feel right at home. 

afterwards, went over to have the last life group Bible study.  man.  it was crazy to think that a whole school year had passed, and that this would be the last Bible study i'd give out here.  this was the last time i was going to be leading a life group gathering.  weirdness.  that night, i had twinges of "man, i think im actually really going to miss undergrad ministry."  haha.  i've had my qualms and frustrations with leading.  it's hard getting down-and-dirty with undergrads.  it's difficult to get physically and emotionally invested in people who might never appreciate you and who might actually get irritated at you (haha).  it's difficult to try and lead a Bible study for a group of ADHD students who have a hundred other things on their mind.  its difficult, but at the same time, its been an absolute privilege and one of the most formative experiences of my life thus far.  i'm so thankful for this opportunity to have led life group these past several years.  there have been so many wednesday nights where i came in, not knowing exactly what i was going to do, how the night was going to go, how the members would respond.  would they be blessed?  would i represent You in the right way?  and night after night, i'm so blessed at how much He is continually growing these guys when i'm looking the other way.  week after week, i'm humbled by His love for them, a love that is just merely glimpsed in my own heart.  and year after year, i'm awed by the work of the Holy Spirit.  it's such a privilege to be able to disciple these guys and lead them into deeper relationships with Christ.  there's truly no greater calling or honor.

i'm writing this post about tuesday after we actually had our last super-emo life group gathering yesterday on easter sunday, so there's a swirl of different emotions i have regarding this very special group, but i'm going to try and focus this particular post on the events and reflections solely from tuesday night. 

that tuesday morning in the church basement, as i was praying for my life group, the word that came to mind was "uphill."  this life group has been an uphill life group all the way to the end, and i mean that in several ways.  we had very humble beginnings in september: we only had 2 freshmen, there wasn't a natural chemistry, and there wasn't that instilled culture or understanding of commitment.  i realized very early on that this life group was not going to be easy -- it wasn't going to be easy building community, and it wasn't going to be easy discipling these guys.  it wasn't going to be an easygoing downhill ride.  i was going to have to walk uphill and pray an uphill battle for this year.  and i'm thankful because this "uphill" life group has also displayed "uphill" fruits.  by entrusting this group to Him (b/c i really didn't have a choice), God kept adding blessing after blessing to this group -- seeing our group grow in number, seeing people accept Christ, seeing people experience the love of Jesus Christ in their lives, seeing people receive healing from bondages and insecurities -- it's been absolutely amazing.  sure it was an uphill journey.  but the thing about going uphill is that God brought us ever higher and higher, and watching salvation, transformation, and community being slowly but steadily built this past year has been an incredible blessing.  i love these guys, every single one of them.  they're all like family in my heart.  i know this sounds super sappy, but i think how i feel about this group ties in with an important lesson that i've learned this past year through my friendships, this life group, and this community -- that home is not a place, it's not an apartment or a house, it's not a city or a set location.  home is the people.  i consider chicago my home primarily because of my family.  and i consider ann arbor home because of this community, because of awesome friendships, and because of "uphill" life groups. 

there is so much more i can write about this life group, but i'm going to have to save that for the easter sunday post.  i'm still feeling emo from it.