sunday was a game-changer. so i know there's this whole thing about "stumbling" younger members and stuff....and though i'm pretty sure there are not many people who read this blog anyway, i guess i should still put this disclaimer out there. if you're "younger," don't read what's below. im still a leader at the church, and i don't want to "stumble" anyone.
but i guess sunday showed to me that im not invincible, and that this is a relationship with God, and no relationship is stagnant. every relationship has its ups and downs. this whole month has been a beautiful "up." sunday was the first sinking.
ok here goes some serious verbal diarrhea:
idk...God, why is this happening right now? i don't get it. i just don't understand. i question this whole month. i question the change and joy and happiness this whole month. i felt like i was walking on cloud 9 with You. i felt like i was on top of the world with You. every day, i couldn't wait to spend time with You, to drink in the Word, to talk with You, to sing and praise You. there was always something to be thankful for. and i felt so in love with You. this whole month was like a honeymoon with You. this beautiful lovesong.
and then sunday happens. and im so confused, so discouraged, and so hurt. God, what's going on? whats going on? can You please help me? im starting to doubt the transformation and healing work You did in my life. what the heck, God? was it real? did it really happen? or did i just fluff it all up in my head? is my testimony really a testimony or is it all just hogwash? is it just a pretty package to share with people but not something real and genuine? was it real? God, i need to know. i need You to show me. i need You to show me, i need You to tell me that it was real, that a supernatural work really did happen in my heart. because right now, all i see are the shambles of something that maybe wasn't real, the imaginings of what i wanted, the pieces of something i wanted it to be, but in reality, wasn't at all.
God, i need You. please. please show me that the work was real. that what You did was real. that what You did really was from the work of Your hands and not my own machinations. Jesus, please. i really need You right now. please help me to see and believe. please lift me up from this place. help me to believe that You make all things new.
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