yesterday was a pretty productive day. i started studying for the medical terminology proficiency exam i need to take for the beginning of school. man...idk if its because i love learning or if its because im a nerd, but i was so excited to open that med terminology textbook and just learn again! it felt so good! im so excited for school.
had dinner with anthony yesterday. tried making pork chops for the first time. yikes. lets just say it was a learning experience.
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| Pork chops marinated in "Cranberry-Teriyaki Glaze" with "Sesame Green Beans" and roasted potatoes, carrots, onions, and fennel |
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| anthony and susie - their interaction wasn't as awkward as it appears. |
i totally overcooked the pork. oh well. you live, you learn.
anyways, dinner was good. i've met with anthony a couple times before, and each time, im thankful because i feel like God is with us and the Spirit is moving in our conversations. he and i have completely different personalities, and im sure we don't have much in common. plus, this is on top of the fact that he's 5 years younger than me. when i first met with him earlier in the year, i didn't expect much of a connecting conversation, but what im learning is that God is always moving, and sometimes, you're a part of that movement in that moment. and every time i've met with him, it seems like we're both in on that movement of God.
im thankful because meetups that flow unexpectedly, meetups where God moves surprisingly puts me in my place. they reminds me that as long as im available, as long as im listening to God, as long as im just trying to love God, He's there, He speaks, and He moves. "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" (Matthew 18.20) is a verse i've always attributed specifically to prayer, but i know that this is also true for meetups. life group leading used to be such a performance for me, and when i'd meet with people, i'd feel this obligation to "do ministry." but this year, God's been repairing a lot of these messed-up paradigms. i think a younger version of me would have been a lot more anxious about the differences between the person i was meeting with and myself. but God has been renewing my view of life group leadership. i don't have to be wise. i don't have to have all the right things to say. i don't have to bust out Bible verses left and right. i don't have to extract their deepest and darkest issues. all i need to do is love them, and everything else follows from that love. anthony is an example of the redeemed life group leader in me. i know that when we meet, its God who speaks, God who convicts, and God who moves. im just there for the ride. a recent prayer i've been lifting up is to have more of an alert and prayerful mindset, a greater daily awareness of God and the Spirit. i want to approach every single meetup or gathering with an alert and prayerful mind since God is always speaking, and if im not alert, i won't hear Him.
i think what i appreciate about anthony as well is his openness. just another lesson in the textbook God's been compiling for me this year about how honesty and vulnerability are open doors for His ministry. being closed, ridiculously private, and self-sufficient - like i've said before, there's no room for God's glory in secrets and private rooms. im trying to imagine what my times with anthony would have looked like if he was a clam. and then i start to feel bad for my previous lg leaders.
speaking of vulnerability...met with carol after dinner. man, i love this girl. carol is someone who just oozes with love. i've never once doubted that she loved or cared about me. she's so loud and unashamed about her love. hers is an audacious love. "audacious" = to be "extremely bold, extremely original, lively, unrestrained, in defiance of convention." yup. thats exactly the kind of love i've received from her. hers is a love of animated hugs, quirky gifts, spontaneous "i love you's," or unexpected and lavish food treats every time we meet - audacious. i really appreciate that quality about her.
i think another thing i've also appreciated about her is, again, her level of vulnerability. she is so completely opposite of me in this area. i was able to witness the awesome transformative power of God in her life only because she had shared so openly about her struggles. when she was experiencing God's grace, freedom, hope, and love, i was able to experience it too b/c she was vulnerable. i think her life and her testimony truly do give God the glory, and i think being a part of her life has taught me some really important lessons about the nature and purpose behind honest sharing.
usually when i meet with carol, similar with anthony, i feel like God is really there with us. several years ago, when i was her LCG during spring/summer, i felt so connected with her. it was strange because i wasn't expecting it, but nevertheless, in all our LCG times, i felt like i could feel what God was feeling for her. there was this burden and this heart-link that increasingly grew. whenever i'd pray for her, my heart would break, but more than that, i felt as though the Spirit was spilling out the words. so when she asked me to "disciple" her ~2 years ago, i didn't have to pray for too long for God's confirmation.
since then, our times have been great - i learn so much from her, but more importantly, through our relationship, i'm learning more about God. like yesterday. while meeting with her, God reminded me of an important facet of discipleship that i think i've been forgetting -- prayer. as she was sharing, i realized how much i haven't been praying for her enough. i should be on my knees, daily interceding on her behalf, because if i want to see life change, the best thing i can do for her is pray for her. sitting across from her, i realized how i messed up i was in my lack of intercession for her, and i felt horrible. if i want to model this "discipleship" principle after Jesus, i gotta strive to pray as He did for His disciples.
after that meeting, i met with some of the older members in my life group. the meeting was mostly because i've been feeling a spiritual lull in the group, especially from some of these older guys, which i think spills down to the younger members. so i entered into the meeting with a mindset of exhortation, but i think i ended up rebuking them. ugh. now that i step back, im sure it wasn't even really that bad. i'm sure they didn't even realize i was rebuking them. but yesterday evening, i was so anxious over the fact that maybe i was going "too hard" on them. idk. i think its the residues of my people-pleasing but i don't want to be the "bad guy." the idea of that caused me to mollify a lot of what i said to them yesterday. and even afterwards, as i was returning home, i felt so uneasy because i kept thinking, "oh man, they hate me. they hate me. they're probably so bitter right now. what right do i have to say anything?"
i came home, plopped on my bed, and i felt so exhausted. yes, i was physically tired from running around meeting after meeting, but i think it was more of a mental exhaustion. i had experienced my fleshly shortcomings in ministry: with carol, i realized my recent lack of intercession and with my older members, a recurrence of my people-pleasing. i just lied there, sifting through these thoughts with God. Lord, im so messed up. seriously, as an older sister and a leader, i have so much to learn.
i remember meeting with pastor andrew several years ago, and one thing he told me was that an insecure leader was the worst kind of leader. something that i learned yesterday and something that i need to be ok with is that in order to be a good leader, in order to shepherd the flock God has asked you to steward well, sometimes you're going to ruffle feathers. sometimes you're going to hurt feelings. sometimes you're going to tick people off. but i think that's the nature of ministry. because following Christ is not easy. its not comfortable. its not easygoing. following Christ is radical. its either black or white. you're either hot or cold. there's no gray area, there's no middle ground.
honestly, all i want for my life group members is that they will become men and women who will follow Christ all the days of their lives. i don't really care if they have fun or if they think this is the best life group ever. i just want them to fall in love with God. i prolly won't see half these guys ever again after i leave, but that doesn't matter to me. i want them to experience God year after year, in all their subsequent life groups, in their next life stages. i want them to fall in love with Him for the rest of their lives and follow Him all the days of their lives. and you know what? i make no apologies for that desire.
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