i missed morning prayer again! ugh. this streak is unprecedented. what the heck is going on with me???? and it wasn't even like that accidental type of missing morning prayer....i think i woke up and heard my alarm, but i made a deliberate choice not to go.
omg. what is happening?! i don't like this place im at. just a mere week ago, i was getting out of bed at 6.22 am like clockwork, crossing e. ann street over to the t.center, basking in the personal time i could have with God. just a mere week ago, i was loving life and loving God and felt like life just couldn't get any better than this.
what is going on???? how could this happen in a mere week?
its not just a fluke anymore. its been a solid 4 days that i've been feeling so blah. its officially a slump. a slump, but is this going to be a dry season? oh man, i hope not.
i was lying on the couch yesterday, wondering what the heck was going on. i went from feeling hurt and confused at the beginning of the week to frustration, and yesterday, i was...idk...i just gave up. i didn't think i had it in me to get myself out of this pit. i can't do it, God. God, just give me one good day. one good day to launch myself back into that good place with you again.
a friend of mine said that whatever i'm going through is because i'm "worthy of it," that i wouldn't "be hurting and having hard times unless [I] was a threat to Satan" and that "hard times is a good sign." first of all, i wondered if he believed that for his own life, but secondly, what he said was truly encouraging. i think sometimes my sight gets so narrow and small, and all i see is what's right in front of me. when we're in the midst of struggles, all we see is the struggle, and its all "woe is me." but if you take a couple steps back and try to see the bigger picture, you see the sovereign and beautiful reasons as to some of our struggles. i guess i just need to take those couple steps back to see God's sovereign goodness behind all of this.
and in trying to do so, i think one thing that comes up is that i think this past week is a picture of God's love. for the past few months, i've been so content with my relationship with Him. i've been so content with where im at. i've been content b/c i felt like i was at the top when it came to my personal intimacy with Him. i felt like i had never been so intimate and so personal with Him before, and i was so content with that. i was fine with where my life was at the time. i felt like God had sovereignly redeemed my past, i felt like i was walking with Him and rubbing shoulders with Him in the present, and i felt like my future was a bright and beautiful horizon filled with God's promises and love. in my head, there was no better place to be.
but God wasn't content. i guess that speaks to how much He loves us. while i was fine and dandy with where i was at, He wanted more. He's always wanted more. even though i thought i had reached one of the pinnacles of intimacy, He still wanted more. even while i was basking in contentment, He's been desiring to stretch my faith, to stretch my relationship, to stretch my intimacy, b/c yes, there's still more. lisa, you thought you knew and loved God? there's a whole other ballgame out there that God wants you to tap and explore. He wants you to continue growing in your relationship with Him. He's not ok with content stagnancy. He's not okay with any sort of plateau, even if you've fooled yourself into thinking its a good plateau.
so maybe this is why my sovereign Lord has allowed some of these things to transpire this past week. by breaking me down, throwing me off my contentment pedestal, by humbling me, He is challenging me to come back to Him, to search Him, to love Him and seek Him even when it hurts, even when i'm at the bottom. lisa, isn't that the true testament to how much you love your Master? that in these hard times, you can still love Him and seek Him and want Him? isn't this the very stretch of your faith that you need?
after life group (which by His grace, was a good time of prayer and fellowship, in addition to the blessing of new guests!), i had a chat with eunil. i could have easily gone home with the rest of the members, but i made a direct effort to share with him where i was at. i didn't want to be under false pretenses with him, especially since he's been so honest with me this entire year. this life group and my co-leader are not looking for someone invincible but someone who is real and someone who has a very real relationship with God. as i was sharing with him, i think God laid a conviction on my heart to get back to Him and be radical about my return. im not going to be some lame, helpless victim of "spiritual battle." oh please. im not going to be some whiny recipient of some tragic event and cry out "woe is me" everywhere i go. im not going to be a passive bystander to my life. i refuse. as a child of God, i have the power of God, the victory of the Cross, the victory of Christ's resurrection within me. im going to actively come back and return to Him no matter how i feel. im going to actively stretch my faith and my love for Him even if that means via radical means. im taking control of these next few days. b/c im a child of God, b/c im a co-heir of Christ, i can get back up on my two feet again and get back to that place with God and that newfound place of intimacy again. and maybe as God has been desiring, an unprecedented level of intimacy.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
3/29: starting to get a little worried...
missed tuesday morning prayer. yikes.
i have a feeling that this might be the beginnings of a strange week. i have this feeling b/c i heard my alarm go off at 6.20 like it usually does, but i simply dismissed it. i knowingly and blatantly decided that tuesday, i was going to sleep in. it was like monday morning all over again.
i don't know what's going on with me. i don't know why this wind is hitting me all of a sudden. its so dramatic. i really feel like i'm in a relationship with God, and im the dramatic girlfriend or just a temperamental kid. even though God gently guided me back in the right direction, reminded me of His beautiful Good News, and opened my eyes to His goodness and my blessedness the previous day, its like i had some memory lapse. i forgot everything. and i'm in this weird numb, zombie-like state. i don't like it, but i feel paralyzed, like i just can't get myself out of it.
met up with nayeon in the afternoon. yay! i really love this girl. i think there's something so sweet and good-natured about her, but not in that super-sappy way. and what im really encouraged by is how comfortable i feel around her. i think meeting with her was a breath of fresh air for me because i didn't feel like it was this hard-core "ministry session." we were just chilling in the basement of starbucks, talking. and being with her reminded me of how much i'm really going to miss having easy access to meeting with people. even though im an introvert, i think being around people and having natural, easygoing conversations can be refreshing at times. im going to miss being able to walk 5-10 minutes to meet with someone and just chill over mini cupcakes and overpriced corporate sludge.
i love nayeon. there are a lot of things about her that remind me of my own freshman year, and maybe that's why i feel so partial towards her. there are so many things i could just simply wish for her, but i know that God is taking care of her, and like a tender and gentle Father, He's going to take His sovereign timing. in any case, i'm thankful because our relaxed and comfortable meetup was an unexpected breath of fresh air i'd been needing since this strangely suffocating past few days.
had dinner with daniel, another freshman in my life group, after. went to sushiya, the questionable japanese/sushi restaurant on south university....i still can't believe they closed down NYPD, a steadfast source of greasy late-night pizza for another subpar sushi place. as if our campus didn't have enough of those.
meals with younger brothers can be hit-or-miss. either you have a really great flowing conversation, probing and getting deeper with certain issues, a conversation saturated with the Spirit, a conversation you know and believe by faith is a seed planted on good soil OR you could have a pretty superficial conversation, one of those getting-to-know-you types, one that leaves u wondering if there were any seeds planted at all. dinner with dan was fine, it was casual, but it was the latter of the two. i can't help but wonder if it was b/c of me, because i'm having a hard time, because i didn't really pray before coming into the meal, because i haven't been on steady ground with God lately. hmm. ugh.
life group chapel. strangely, it seemed like everyone else in that baby room was like half-asleep or something. idk. something about that night was just....a little off from prior life group chapels, where we're praying fervently, where God lays down different burdens, where i feel like the Spirit gives the words to say. tuesday night was a little off. idk. im worried. im worried because these past several days have been at this personal decline, and i'm worried its spilling over and smearing onto other aspects of my life too.
i have a feeling that this might be the beginnings of a strange week. i have this feeling b/c i heard my alarm go off at 6.20 like it usually does, but i simply dismissed it. i knowingly and blatantly decided that tuesday, i was going to sleep in. it was like monday morning all over again.
i don't know what's going on with me. i don't know why this wind is hitting me all of a sudden. its so dramatic. i really feel like i'm in a relationship with God, and im the dramatic girlfriend or just a temperamental kid. even though God gently guided me back in the right direction, reminded me of His beautiful Good News, and opened my eyes to His goodness and my blessedness the previous day, its like i had some memory lapse. i forgot everything. and i'm in this weird numb, zombie-like state. i don't like it, but i feel paralyzed, like i just can't get myself out of it.
met up with nayeon in the afternoon. yay! i really love this girl. i think there's something so sweet and good-natured about her, but not in that super-sappy way. and what im really encouraged by is how comfortable i feel around her. i think meeting with her was a breath of fresh air for me because i didn't feel like it was this hard-core "ministry session." we were just chilling in the basement of starbucks, talking. and being with her reminded me of how much i'm really going to miss having easy access to meeting with people. even though im an introvert, i think being around people and having natural, easygoing conversations can be refreshing at times. im going to miss being able to walk 5-10 minutes to meet with someone and just chill over mini cupcakes and overpriced corporate sludge.
 |
| darn you, dim-faux-emo starbucks lighting! |
i love nayeon. there are a lot of things about her that remind me of my own freshman year, and maybe that's why i feel so partial towards her. there are so many things i could just simply wish for her, but i know that God is taking care of her, and like a tender and gentle Father, He's going to take His sovereign timing. in any case, i'm thankful because our relaxed and comfortable meetup was an unexpected breath of fresh air i'd been needing since this strangely suffocating past few days.
had dinner with daniel, another freshman in my life group, after. went to sushiya, the questionable japanese/sushi restaurant on south university....i still can't believe they closed down NYPD, a steadfast source of greasy late-night pizza for another subpar sushi place. as if our campus didn't have enough of those.
 |
| dan with his duck ramen |
 |
| my new favorite: seaweed salad. i'm addicted. |
meals with younger brothers can be hit-or-miss. either you have a really great flowing conversation, probing and getting deeper with certain issues, a conversation saturated with the Spirit, a conversation you know and believe by faith is a seed planted on good soil OR you could have a pretty superficial conversation, one of those getting-to-know-you types, one that leaves u wondering if there were any seeds planted at all. dinner with dan was fine, it was casual, but it was the latter of the two. i can't help but wonder if it was b/c of me, because i'm having a hard time, because i didn't really pray before coming into the meal, because i haven't been on steady ground with God lately. hmm. ugh.
life group chapel. strangely, it seemed like everyone else in that baby room was like half-asleep or something. idk. something about that night was just....a little off from prior life group chapels, where we're praying fervently, where God lays down different burdens, where i feel like the Spirit gives the words to say. tuesday night was a little off. idk. im worried. im worried because these past several days have been at this personal decline, and i'm worried its spilling over and smearing onto other aspects of my life too.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
3/28: Job 1.21
man. morning prayer was tough monday morning. i woke up on monday, and for a good ten minutes, i sat up in my bed and debated whether or not i should go. when i finally decided to go, i just...idk. i sat there in my little corner of the church basement, and i felt so...i felt so hurt, confused, and discouraged towards God. and for the first time in really long while, i didn't want to spend time with Him. that morning, i told Him honestly that i just didn't want to talk to Him that day, that it was hard for me to remember and trust His goodness, that i didn't want to be there. like a little child throwing a tantrum or a melodramatic girlfriend, i told Him that i didn't know when i wanted to come back. and then i left morning prayer early.
ugh. monday was such a...numb day. i was still wrestling with the confusion and hurt that i was feeling from sunday. but instead of properly dealing with it, wrestling with God, and trying to pray through things, i didn't want to do anything. i didn't want to think about anything. even taking a simple shower was something i could barely get myself to do. yea...now that i think about it, im a pretty immature daughter. should i let these external circumstances and events impact the way that i live my life? shouldn't i remain steadfast on the internal truth of the goodness of God in the midst of these circumstances?
i think if i hadn't gone to InterCP's Vision School that evening, then monday would have been one of those completely wasted days. i almost didn't go either. just as with morning prayer, i sat there on my bed, debating whether or not i wanted to go.
im glad that i did.
walking down mason hall into the classroom, i felt like it was my first day of school. for some reason, i was so nervous. i guess this is a small taste of what its going to be like when i go to school next month and even how its going to feel when i look for a new spiritual home. in any case, much to surprise (and chagrin), i walked into 3411 mason hall, a classroom filled with pretty much 90% harvest-goers. haha.
one thing that i realized once this Vision School thing started was how blessed i am to be a part of HMCC. a lot of the things that the speaker was talking about were things that pastor seth has been drilling, exhorting, and teaching us the past 6 years. this whole thing about God's vision, about missions, about God's heart, about recognizing our fleshly and selfish vision -- i think HMCC has done a great job dealing with those things, at least for me personally. so i think the material that was presented in the first week of Vision School wasn't anything particularly new for me. i want to live for God. i want my life to be used completely and wholly by Him. i want my life to be an alabaster jar, poured out to anoint the Lord of my life. i want to strive to become less and less, to love the things of this world less and less, and consequently make Him greater and greater. so i guess the whole "vision" part of the night wasn't too crazy or eye-opening.
but one thing that cho, the missionary speaker, would continually pray for while we were together was that God would speak, that there would be freedom, that there would be power in that room. and i think God answered that prayer. God did have a special word to speak to me about, though it had nothing to do with missions. God had a special word for me in regards to how i've been feeling these past 2 days.
cho asked us what we thought our greatest blessing was. i answered with "my salvation," and i really meant it. all "holy" jokes aside, that was the first answer that came into my mind, and one that i mean from the bottom of my heart. im so thankful that i'm able to have this relationship with God. im so thankful because He didn't have to choose me, but by His grace, i know Him, He loves me, and im his daughter. by His grace, i have a relationship with the Lord of heaven and earth. and from the bottom of my heart, i truly do believe that this relationship is the greatest treasure of my life.
but then, cho went on to reference previous answers from prior talks at different churches. she cited her own answer many years ago -- family. she once thought that family was the greatest blessing in life. with Galatians 3.8 on the screen behind her, she told us that our greatest blessing is the Gospel, and asked us if we wake up every single day feeling so blessed because of the Gospel. and then she asked, "if God took away your family, would you still feel and say that you are blessed?"
dang. idk why, but that really hit me, and that was the very question that God wanted me to hear monday evening. not necessarily the family aspect, but concerning my own personal idols. lisa, if God took away you [insert personal idol], would you still feel and say that you are blessed?"
man. that really humbled and challenged me. all this time, im saying that yes, God, i love you, and you're the best part of my life, but God took something away from me on sunday, and in response, i've been surly, upset, sad, and angry at God. i think that was the very question i needed to be asked. the Lord gives and takes away; blessed me the name of the Lord. God took something away, but do i still feel blessed, knowing my name is written in the Book of Life, knowing that i am fully loved by the God of the universe? is that not enough for me?
that question revealed to me the hold i still have on some of the idols in my life. and sitting there in 3411 mason hall, i knew i had to take drastic action. if there is something holding me back from fully loving God with all of my heart, if there is something that is capturing a part of my heart, then i need to go to extreme measures to cut that thing out of my life. if there is something that is causing me to commit adultery against God, then i need to be radical about being 100% faithful.
"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter eternal life with only one hand than to go into the unquenchable fires of hell with two hands. If your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter eternal life with only one foot than to be thrown into hell with two feet. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out. It's better to enter the Kingdom of God with only one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell...." (Mark 9.43-47, NLT).
God also used me that question cho asked to encourage me b/c i realized how truly blessed i am. i have a relationship with the God of the universe. i have a relationship with a God who sent His one and only Son to save me. when i die, i get to join Him in the Kingdom of Heaven and share eternal life with the perfect Father. b/c He loves me, He has given me every good and perfect gift. how can i be in such a sorrowful, frustrated, and discouraged mood when i have all these things?
God had a word to speak to me monday night. im so thankful because God is a God who does not abandon. He knows exactly what we need. and instead of just leaving His kids to their own ways of thinking, He gently guides us back into the right perspective and the right heart.
thank You, God. You give and take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
i feel like i was such a whiny kid to God monday morning. or even one of those high-maintenance, nightmare girlfriends. i had my little drama moment with Him, and like a patient father, like the kind and gentle lover of my soul, He listened to my complaints, heard my heart's cries, and is slowly guiding me back to the right place again. thank You, Jesus.
ugh. monday was such a...numb day. i was still wrestling with the confusion and hurt that i was feeling from sunday. but instead of properly dealing with it, wrestling with God, and trying to pray through things, i didn't want to do anything. i didn't want to think about anything. even taking a simple shower was something i could barely get myself to do. yea...now that i think about it, im a pretty immature daughter. should i let these external circumstances and events impact the way that i live my life? shouldn't i remain steadfast on the internal truth of the goodness of God in the midst of these circumstances?
i think if i hadn't gone to InterCP's Vision School that evening, then monday would have been one of those completely wasted days. i almost didn't go either. just as with morning prayer, i sat there on my bed, debating whether or not i wanted to go.
im glad that i did.
walking down mason hall into the classroom, i felt like it was my first day of school. for some reason, i was so nervous. i guess this is a small taste of what its going to be like when i go to school next month and even how its going to feel when i look for a new spiritual home. in any case, much to surprise (and chagrin), i walked into 3411 mason hall, a classroom filled with pretty much 90% harvest-goers. haha.
one thing that i realized once this Vision School thing started was how blessed i am to be a part of HMCC. a lot of the things that the speaker was talking about were things that pastor seth has been drilling, exhorting, and teaching us the past 6 years. this whole thing about God's vision, about missions, about God's heart, about recognizing our fleshly and selfish vision -- i think HMCC has done a great job dealing with those things, at least for me personally. so i think the material that was presented in the first week of Vision School wasn't anything particularly new for me. i want to live for God. i want my life to be used completely and wholly by Him. i want my life to be an alabaster jar, poured out to anoint the Lord of my life. i want to strive to become less and less, to love the things of this world less and less, and consequently make Him greater and greater. so i guess the whole "vision" part of the night wasn't too crazy or eye-opening.
but one thing that cho, the missionary speaker, would continually pray for while we were together was that God would speak, that there would be freedom, that there would be power in that room. and i think God answered that prayer. God did have a special word to speak to me about, though it had nothing to do with missions. God had a special word for me in regards to how i've been feeling these past 2 days.
cho asked us what we thought our greatest blessing was. i answered with "my salvation," and i really meant it. all "holy" jokes aside, that was the first answer that came into my mind, and one that i mean from the bottom of my heart. im so thankful that i'm able to have this relationship with God. im so thankful because He didn't have to choose me, but by His grace, i know Him, He loves me, and im his daughter. by His grace, i have a relationship with the Lord of heaven and earth. and from the bottom of my heart, i truly do believe that this relationship is the greatest treasure of my life.
but then, cho went on to reference previous answers from prior talks at different churches. she cited her own answer many years ago -- family. she once thought that family was the greatest blessing in life. with Galatians 3.8 on the screen behind her, she told us that our greatest blessing is the Gospel, and asked us if we wake up every single day feeling so blessed because of the Gospel. and then she asked, "if God took away your family, would you still feel and say that you are blessed?"
dang. idk why, but that really hit me, and that was the very question that God wanted me to hear monday evening. not necessarily the family aspect, but concerning my own personal idols. lisa, if God took away you [insert personal idol], would you still feel and say that you are blessed?"
man. that really humbled and challenged me. all this time, im saying that yes, God, i love you, and you're the best part of my life, but God took something away from me on sunday, and in response, i've been surly, upset, sad, and angry at God. i think that was the very question i needed to be asked. the Lord gives and takes away; blessed me the name of the Lord. God took something away, but do i still feel blessed, knowing my name is written in the Book of Life, knowing that i am fully loved by the God of the universe? is that not enough for me?
that question revealed to me the hold i still have on some of the idols in my life. and sitting there in 3411 mason hall, i knew i had to take drastic action. if there is something holding me back from fully loving God with all of my heart, if there is something that is capturing a part of my heart, then i need to go to extreme measures to cut that thing out of my life. if there is something that is causing me to commit adultery against God, then i need to be radical about being 100% faithful.
"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter eternal life with only one hand than to go into the unquenchable fires of hell with two hands. If your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter eternal life with only one foot than to be thrown into hell with two feet. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out. It's better to enter the Kingdom of God with only one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell...." (Mark 9.43-47, NLT).
God also used me that question cho asked to encourage me b/c i realized how truly blessed i am. i have a relationship with the God of the universe. i have a relationship with a God who sent His one and only Son to save me. when i die, i get to join Him in the Kingdom of Heaven and share eternal life with the perfect Father. b/c He loves me, He has given me every good and perfect gift. how can i be in such a sorrowful, frustrated, and discouraged mood when i have all these things?
God had a word to speak to me monday night. im so thankful because God is a God who does not abandon. He knows exactly what we need. and instead of just leaving His kids to their own ways of thinking, He gently guides us back into the right perspective and the right heart.
thank You, God. You give and take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
i feel like i was such a whiny kid to God monday morning. or even one of those high-maintenance, nightmare girlfriends. i had my little drama moment with Him, and like a patient father, like the kind and gentle lover of my soul, He listened to my complaints, heard my heart's cries, and is slowly guiding me back to the right place again. thank You, Jesus.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
3/27: i need You
sunday was a game-changer. so i know there's this whole thing about "stumbling" younger members and stuff....and though i'm pretty sure there are not many people who read this blog anyway, i guess i should still put this disclaimer out there. if you're "younger," don't read what's below. im still a leader at the church, and i don't want to "stumble" anyone.
but i guess sunday showed to me that im not invincible, and that this is a relationship with God, and no relationship is stagnant. every relationship has its ups and downs. this whole month has been a beautiful "up." sunday was the first sinking.
ok here goes some serious verbal diarrhea:
idk...God, why is this happening right now? i don't get it. i just don't understand. i question this whole month. i question the change and joy and happiness this whole month. i felt like i was walking on cloud 9 with You. i felt like i was on top of the world with You. every day, i couldn't wait to spend time with You, to drink in the Word, to talk with You, to sing and praise You. there was always something to be thankful for. and i felt so in love with You. this whole month was like a honeymoon with You. this beautiful lovesong.
and then sunday happens. and im so confused, so discouraged, and so hurt. God, what's going on? whats going on? can You please help me? im starting to doubt the transformation and healing work You did in my life. what the heck, God? was it real? did it really happen? or did i just fluff it all up in my head? is my testimony really a testimony or is it all just hogwash? is it just a pretty package to share with people but not something real and genuine? was it real? God, i need to know. i need You to show me. i need You to show me, i need You to tell me that it was real, that a supernatural work really did happen in my heart. because right now, all i see are the shambles of something that maybe wasn't real, the imaginings of what i wanted, the pieces of something i wanted it to be, but in reality, wasn't at all.
God, i need You. please. please show me that the work was real. that what You did was real. that what You did really was from the work of Your hands and not my own machinations. Jesus, please. i really need You right now. please help me to see and believe. please lift me up from this place. help me to believe that You make all things new.
but i guess sunday showed to me that im not invincible, and that this is a relationship with God, and no relationship is stagnant. every relationship has its ups and downs. this whole month has been a beautiful "up." sunday was the first sinking.
ok here goes some serious verbal diarrhea:
idk...God, why is this happening right now? i don't get it. i just don't understand. i question this whole month. i question the change and joy and happiness this whole month. i felt like i was walking on cloud 9 with You. i felt like i was on top of the world with You. every day, i couldn't wait to spend time with You, to drink in the Word, to talk with You, to sing and praise You. there was always something to be thankful for. and i felt so in love with You. this whole month was like a honeymoon with You. this beautiful lovesong.
and then sunday happens. and im so confused, so discouraged, and so hurt. God, what's going on? whats going on? can You please help me? im starting to doubt the transformation and healing work You did in my life. what the heck, God? was it real? did it really happen? or did i just fluff it all up in my head? is my testimony really a testimony or is it all just hogwash? is it just a pretty package to share with people but not something real and genuine? was it real? God, i need to know. i need You to show me. i need You to show me, i need You to tell me that it was real, that a supernatural work really did happen in my heart. because right now, all i see are the shambles of something that maybe wasn't real, the imaginings of what i wanted, the pieces of something i wanted it to be, but in reality, wasn't at all.
God, i need You. please. please show me that the work was real. that what You did was real. that what You did really was from the work of Your hands and not my own machinations. Jesus, please. i really need You right now. please help me to see and believe. please lift me up from this place. help me to believe that You make all things new.
3/26: life-on-life (or lack thereof)
TC in the morning. for some reason, i was in a particularly groggy mood.
learned about discipleship, which has been something i've been wanting to actively learn and carry out this year. the way i've approached "discipleship" in the past has been in the form of one-on-one meetups. but God challenged me at the beginning of the year to discover the true meaning of discipleship: not simply one-on-one, but life-on-life. but one thing i'm realizing is how much i suck at discipling in a hardcore life-on-life way primarily because of my selfishness. im a really private person, and i've been called out about this on numerous occasions by friends, younger sisters, and older sisters (hence, partially why this blog is public - an active application of not only trying to be more open, but also to practice the security and transformation God has done this past year). and in my privacy, i value my alone time. if i don't have a solid set of me-time during the day, i get super-tired, super-cranky, and i almost kinda fall apart. and i think a part of the reason why true life-on-life hasn't happened this year is not only because i refuse to let it happen, but also because deep down, i don't want it to happen. the thing that tugs at my heart is that Jesus pretty much ordered His followers to practice discipleship. It was the last instruction He gave before leaving this earth, and its one that my selfish nature does not feel comfortable doing.
gina georgia kim was in town this weekend and i was able to meet with her later in the day, and when i say her, i mean her and jon, our leadership team 3 years ago. at first, i was a little bit disappointed that it would be the three of us because i was hoping to engage in a more serious and personal conversation with her, but im surrendered to the fact that wasn't my role for her on saturday and that there were other sisters who were to play that role for her on that day.
man....idk how diana did it, but that pork chop was so tender...i've been struggling with pork chops, so i was super impressed. plus, i hate celery, but that apple-celery-compote thing was soooo good....idk what she did. that dinner was one of the best home-cooked meals i've had here in ann arbor and for sure, better than any main street restaurant in town.
now that i think about it, i think that dinner is pretty symbolic of my relationship with her. there were so many personal hurdles and challenges at the beginning of our relationship. at the beginning, i was ready to not expect much from our relationship -- like the pork chop and the celery. but just like the delicious dinner, the product after years of "cooking," is something surprisingly good, something that hits expectations out of the water, something that was better than what i could have imagined.
dinner with diana was sooo good. idk...i think it just felt so comfortable saturday night. i felt so at-ease and so free to just be myself. i spent over 3 hours at her place, just eating, chilling, talking about random things. im so thankful for how God has really grown our relationship. im thankful for how much God has softened my heart to her. i remember being so stubbornly against sharing anything with her when splinter left b/c i just didn't know diana back then. she was assigned to be my leadership mentor at the time, and i was really skeptical about that title when we first met up. did she really care about me? was i just another "mentee," another "TC assignment?" i was super cynical. i think this was also an excuse for me to remain closed and private about my life. in addition, in my pride, i also thought i didn't need an older sister at the time, especially someone who i barely knew.
but i have learned so much from her, more than i ever thought. even though i was so stubbornly closed to her, she was persistent. she persistently loved me and supported me, and i think that really demonstrated Christ's love. even though i turned my back to her, she was still holding me, persistently showing me love. and even though i was initially closed to her, she humbled herself and shared openly with me. and that really challenged and humbled me as well. idk if i would have been able to do that with someone as impetuous as me. that bold step also taught me that it was ok for me to be open with younger sisters too - she set an inspiring example for me to be real in my own discipleships/mentorships.
im so thankful for her. she was there for me during my personal struggles. even when i didn't want to fully disclose, she would still pray for me in full disclosure. after my car accident last summer, she was there to listen, to let me cry, to pray for me, to give me rides. when i decided to go on chile missions, she supported me in a way that once again reminded me of how much God had been showing His love for me through her this whole year.
but what im thankful for the most is that im able to have a tangible role model and friend in my life who truly exemplifies a woman of God striving to honestly follow God without facades or masks. just as she is, she's just someone trying to hear God. and the best thing is that she's not some lofty pastor's wife, someone impossible to reach, someone scary or intimidating that i have to go through a dozen middlemen to meet up with, someone who i feel like i need to consecrate myself before seeing. she's approachable, she's real, she cares, and she's a friend.
that night, being so ridiculously full, i lied on her carpet in a full-out supine position, my arms and legs spread like a snow angel. and lying there, while we were still conversing about various things, i was filled with gratitude for how much God has grown our first uncomfortable 1-hour meetup to a comfortable and relaxed 3-hour dinner filled with good conversation, genuine good company, and soaring gratitude towards Christ.
learned about discipleship, which has been something i've been wanting to actively learn and carry out this year. the way i've approached "discipleship" in the past has been in the form of one-on-one meetups. but God challenged me at the beginning of the year to discover the true meaning of discipleship: not simply one-on-one, but life-on-life. but one thing i'm realizing is how much i suck at discipling in a hardcore life-on-life way primarily because of my selfishness. im a really private person, and i've been called out about this on numerous occasions by friends, younger sisters, and older sisters (hence, partially why this blog is public - an active application of not only trying to be more open, but also to practice the security and transformation God has done this past year). and in my privacy, i value my alone time. if i don't have a solid set of me-time during the day, i get super-tired, super-cranky, and i almost kinda fall apart. and i think a part of the reason why true life-on-life hasn't happened this year is not only because i refuse to let it happen, but also because deep down, i don't want it to happen. the thing that tugs at my heart is that Jesus pretty much ordered His followers to practice discipleship. It was the last instruction He gave before leaving this earth, and its one that my selfish nature does not feel comfortable doing.
 |
| P. Pete discussing discipleship in TC |
aww. gina's such a sweet girl. i remember thinking this of her before, and i still think this of her now even as i was sitting across from her at biggby: she legitimately has such a nice heart. i think she's one of the most stubbornly closed girls i've ever met, but from what i was able to not only crack open but receive and share those years ago showed me a truly kind and compassionate girl. when i look back, i think it was sovereign for me to be leading and rubbing shoulders with her my senior year....at that point in my life, i was doing a lot of performing. performing as a leader, performing as a friend, and even performing in the simple act of being nice. but gina was someone who was genuinely nice from her heart, and i think seeing that challenged me to assess my own heart for people. one thing i regret though about those years is not investing in her enough. i think a lot has changed and happened since leading together 3 years ago. i wish i was there for her more over the past 3 years. i wish i was there to actively pursue her, to listen to her, to talk with her, to just be there for her. but i let my own responsibilities, i let a new life group, i let my own laziness get in the way of deepening the relationship God started 3-4 years ago. i know that gina has a good set of peer girls and a solid handful of older girls in her life. but for myself, i know that i could have been a better older sister and friend. i think i share gina's stubborn closed-ness and self-sufficiency. just as gina was closed to me, i think i was the same to diana. i think the difference though is that diana persevered, and i just let it slide with gina. le sigh. no regrets though, right? i trust that God is sovereign in all things and that He redeems our every mistake.
speaking of diana....went over to diana's place afterwards cuz she was going to cook me dinner for my bday!
 |
| diana crouching over a french cookbook |
 |
| pork chops with this ridiculously good celery and apple compote thing |
 |
| i guess it was more like an entire piglet |
now that i think about it, i think that dinner is pretty symbolic of my relationship with her. there were so many personal hurdles and challenges at the beginning of our relationship. at the beginning, i was ready to not expect much from our relationship -- like the pork chop and the celery. but just like the delicious dinner, the product after years of "cooking," is something surprisingly good, something that hits expectations out of the water, something that was better than what i could have imagined.
dinner with diana was sooo good. idk...i think it just felt so comfortable saturday night. i felt so at-ease and so free to just be myself. i spent over 3 hours at her place, just eating, chilling, talking about random things. im so thankful for how God has really grown our relationship. im thankful for how much God has softened my heart to her. i remember being so stubbornly against sharing anything with her when splinter left b/c i just didn't know diana back then. she was assigned to be my leadership mentor at the time, and i was really skeptical about that title when we first met up. did she really care about me? was i just another "mentee," another "TC assignment?" i was super cynical. i think this was also an excuse for me to remain closed and private about my life. in addition, in my pride, i also thought i didn't need an older sister at the time, especially someone who i barely knew.
but i have learned so much from her, more than i ever thought. even though i was so stubbornly closed to her, she was persistent. she persistently loved me and supported me, and i think that really demonstrated Christ's love. even though i turned my back to her, she was still holding me, persistently showing me love. and even though i was initially closed to her, she humbled herself and shared openly with me. and that really challenged and humbled me as well. idk if i would have been able to do that with someone as impetuous as me. that bold step also taught me that it was ok for me to be open with younger sisters too - she set an inspiring example for me to be real in my own discipleships/mentorships.
im so thankful for her. she was there for me during my personal struggles. even when i didn't want to fully disclose, she would still pray for me in full disclosure. after my car accident last summer, she was there to listen, to let me cry, to pray for me, to give me rides. when i decided to go on chile missions, she supported me in a way that once again reminded me of how much God had been showing His love for me through her this whole year.
but what im thankful for the most is that im able to have a tangible role model and friend in my life who truly exemplifies a woman of God striving to honestly follow God without facades or masks. just as she is, she's just someone trying to hear God. and the best thing is that she's not some lofty pastor's wife, someone impossible to reach, someone scary or intimidating that i have to go through a dozen middlemen to meet up with, someone who i feel like i need to consecrate myself before seeing. she's approachable, she's real, she cares, and she's a friend.
that night, being so ridiculously full, i lied on her carpet in a full-out supine position, my arms and legs spread like a snow angel. and lying there, while we were still conversing about various things, i was filled with gratitude for how much God has grown our first uncomfortable 1-hour meetup to a comfortable and relaxed 3-hour dinner filled with good conversation, genuine good company, and soaring gratitude towards Christ.
3/25: the emo in me
started friday off with life group morning prayer as part of our "missions training" for Detroit Partnership Day. its so encouraging to see the members come out to morning prayer b/c i only expect a handful of members to wake up, and when i see almost a dozen people piling into one of the baby rooms come 7 am, i'm reminded of how much God has been blowing my expectations out of the water with this group. i'm humbled and thankful, and there's no better feeling as a life group leader.
one of my favorite parts about life group morning prayer is the breakfast afterwards. its not just the scrambled eggs and cappuccino chip muffins. its the company. its the smaller and more intimate setting that lends a comfortable atmosphere. its the early hour that frees most of my inhibitions, and im more relaxed. im not just their leader in those mornings; im simply chilling with them.
LCG with rebecca afterwards. im thankful that God has brought reconciliation between us, and im thankful for the lessons i've learned through this unprecedented relationship. but more than that, i'm thankful because all this time, God has been working and simmering under the surface. like a slow-cooker. i think she's been learning a lot of things about herself, things that no one person could have taught her, things that she had to experience this past year, things that i believe God sovereignly brought into her life to not only open her eyes, but also to start seeds of change. i know that God will continue to move and work in her life in the years to come; even when she's not directly searching for transformation, He's gonna keep planting and watering the seeds whether she realizes it or not. and that's the best thing i could ever want for her.
had dinner with gelareh at sadako as a part of ACCESSout. i met gelareh when esther brought her out to life group last year, and i've been trying to establish a friendship with her over the past 2 years.
im thankful that God gave me the privilege of meeting gelareh, and i see that it truly is a privilege to know a sister who doesn't know Christ, especially as i'm seeing that God's heart truly is for the lost. His is the heart that will search high and low for that lost coin. His is the heart that will leave all 99 of His sheep to find that 1 sheep. His is the heart that will run halfway to meet His prodigal son. the heart of God is one that loves the lost, and to be able to know and befriend one of the lost truly is a privilege. but at the same time, i've been a horrible steward of this tremendous privilege. i've known gelareh for 2 years, and i feel like i haven't been very bold in my conversations and times with her. i feel like i've been tiptoeing, tiptoeing around certain topics, tiptoeing around the possibility of engaging in deeper conversations. im not exactly avoiding the open doors, but i just don't actively search for those doors to share my faith. i think the timidity first started off as not wanting to come off too strong. but now, the cautious timidity has progressed into something lazy, craven, and almost pointless. where's the power? where's the boldness? where's the confidence? where's the purpose? i almost feel like my times with her are pointless, not at all because i don't preach the Gospel, but wholly because i don't point to Christ. there's no substance in the times when we meet. at the end of the dinner, gelareh and i decided to have dinner together one more time before i leave ann arbor. i hope that this last meal i share with her will be a time of power, a time of boldness, but most of all, a time of real substance and purpose.
afterwards, my life group got together to make care packages for our sister life group, though it took 2 hours to even get to the grocery store due to waiting/lounging around.
watched "500 days of summer" while our goodies baked in the oven. i love "500 days of summer." i love the witty script. i love the indie soundtrack. i love the sweater vests. i love the endearing protagonist. i love the actor. i love the creative directing. i love the last bench scene. i love its unconventional style. i love its brutal honesty. this movie definitely represents one of my faves. i fell in love with the trailer 2 years ago, and its one of the few movies that has lived up to its trailers.
its hard to pick my fave lines since there are a lot of clever lines in the movie and just some awesome scenes in general. but a smattering:
Rachel Hansen: Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate.
Partygoer: So Tom, what is it that you do?
Tom: I uh, I write greeting cards.
Summer: Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be.
Partygoer: That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other?
Tom: I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that last forever, like a greeting card.
Tom: She took a giant sh*t on my face. Literally.
Alison: Literally?
Tom: Well, no, not literally. That's disgusting.
Paul: Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real.
Tom: So I guess I should say congratulations.
Summer: Only if you mean it.
Tom: Well, in that case.
Tom: You never wanted to be anybody's girlfriend, and now you're somebody's wife.
Summer: Surprised me too.
Tom: I don't think I'll ever understand that. I mean, it just doesn't make sense.
Summer: It just happened.
Tom: I know, right, but that's what i don't understand - what just happened?
Summer: I just woke up, and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
Tom: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete and utter bullsh*t. It sucks.
Summer: What do you mean?
Tom: Well, you know, destiny, soulmates, true love, and all that childhood fairy tale nonsense. You were right.
Summer: No.
Tom: Yea. Why are you smiling? Why are you looking at me like that?
Summer: Well, you know, I guess its cuz I was sitting in a deli reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it, and now he's my husband.
Tom: Yea and so?
Summer: So what if I'd gone to the movies? What if i had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I had gotten there 10 minutes later? It was meant to be. And i just kept thinking, 'Tom was right.'
Tom: No.
Summer: Yea, I did. I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.
i hadn't seen the movie since watching it in theaters 2 years ago and watching it again with my life group friday night got me - i shamefully admit - a little emo. in general, im a sucker for movies where the boy doesn't get the girl or vice-versa via epic tragedy. this is why "the english patient" is my favorite movie. this is why i loved "snow falling on cedars," "house of flying daggers," "shakespeare in love." why i loved the lois and clark scenes in "superman returns." and what i like about "500 days" is that its not epic tragedy, but simply reality that prevents the two protagonists from getting together. in one scene, tom asks summer why she and her ex didn't work out. and summer responds with, "what always happens. life." that's the thing - the tragedy is not some dramatic event or reason that tom is looking for. its simply life.
one reason why i love this movie is because i'm tom. im a shameful female version of tom. i love the dramatics. i love sweeping and epic love stories with impossible odds and tragic endings. i want dramatic, over-the-top reasons for things. i like to write stories in my spare time (though i don't write as much as i'd like to anymore). when i was in undergrad, i'd be sitting in my classes like orgo, and instead of taking notes on stereoisomers like a good little girl, i'd sit there and write pages of dialogue for an unwritten but fully imagined story. usually, these stories would be melodramatic, and almost always, i'd envision some tragic ending. for example, theres one story that i started writing my freshman year about a girl's first love, and though i'm far from done with it, and there have been a slew of subplots and supporting characters added in over the years, the ending has remained the same in my head for the past 6 years: she doesn't get the boy. despite her return, despite her confession, he still marries another girl, and my protagonist is left at the wedding reception, saying goodbye to him one final time.
its the emo in me.
im a total tom. so that final bench scene is excruciating and engaging to me because i'm receiving those cutting words of reality at the same time he is. in general, that bench scene is just plain awesome. the dialogue is brutally honest, joseph gordon-levitt's facial expressions tear me up inside, and the truth of the script is searing. i love the scene's unapologetic honesty and frankness. its exactly the ending and explanation that the audience needs - the plain, old truth: the anarchy, reality, and injustice governing the realm of boy meets girl.
and if that bench scene or my tom-relatability were not enough, there's my absolute favorite line in the movie: "robin is better than the girl of my dreams." pause. "she's real." when i first heard that line in the theater, i was floored. and when our life group saw the movie again, i was blown away again. there's so much truth to that! the next couple paragraphs is just my emo-self-silliness, so lisa, when you look back at this particular blog post years from now, i hope that you can read this next bit with some levity.
as girls, we have this list of things that we want in our future guys. things like humor, height, culture, chivalry, similar interests, similar vocational vision, liking kids, etc, etc, etc. there's a whole laundry list of preferences. we even have things called "non-negotiables," as if we have some ounce of say to who God will lead us to in the future. its funny because some of these "non-negotiables" i hear from other girls seem so...negotiable. age? really? is that really a non-negotiable? i doubt that a sane, functioning young woman would reject an awesome guy simply because he was a year younger than her. in any case, this guy in our dreams, this perfect man on whom we've taped attributes to, he's awesome but he's not real. there are real men out there who may not match everything that we want and are looking for, but are men who love God and will love us. and that's real. so is it really settling if a girl stops waiting around for that "perfect" guy, that "guy of her dreams," and finds a real guy? who cares if he's not the perfect guy. life is about following and loving God. not marrying the guy of your dreams. not finding the perfect man.
the guy of my dreams is a super-holy joseph gordon-levitt-look-alike who passionately loves God and radically follows Christ, inspiring and challenging me in my own relationship with God, who can pull off the sweater vest look, who appreciates and enjoys film, who's more musician than athlete, who i find hilarious and vice-versa, who proves super-affirming and supportive, who can admit when he's wrong, who holds a heart for missions, and who's a shameless foodie. this is a tall order, and perhaps, an impossible one, and maybe, just maybe i have to let go of this man of my dreams. b/c one day, God's not going to lead me to my custom-version of a holy joseph gordon-levitt. he's going to lead me to someone better - someone real.
one of my favorite parts about life group morning prayer is the breakfast afterwards. its not just the scrambled eggs and cappuccino chip muffins. its the company. its the smaller and more intimate setting that lends a comfortable atmosphere. its the early hour that frees most of my inhibitions, and im more relaxed. im not just their leader in those mornings; im simply chilling with them.
 |
| on the way to mojo after CCRB-ing |
 |
| my favorite dorm breakfast food -- even its powdered origins don't dilute my feelings |
 |
| the source of the freshman 15 has been discovered |
LCG with rebecca afterwards. im thankful that God has brought reconciliation between us, and im thankful for the lessons i've learned through this unprecedented relationship. but more than that, i'm thankful because all this time, God has been working and simmering under the surface. like a slow-cooker. i think she's been learning a lot of things about herself, things that no one person could have taught her, things that she had to experience this past year, things that i believe God sovereignly brought into her life to not only open her eyes, but also to start seeds of change. i know that God will continue to move and work in her life in the years to come; even when she's not directly searching for transformation, He's gonna keep planting and watering the seeds whether she realizes it or not. and that's the best thing i could ever want for her.
had dinner with gelareh at sadako as a part of ACCESSout. i met gelareh when esther brought her out to life group last year, and i've been trying to establish a friendship with her over the past 2 years.
 |
| one of my new fave rolls: green grass |
im thankful that God gave me the privilege of meeting gelareh, and i see that it truly is a privilege to know a sister who doesn't know Christ, especially as i'm seeing that God's heart truly is for the lost. His is the heart that will search high and low for that lost coin. His is the heart that will leave all 99 of His sheep to find that 1 sheep. His is the heart that will run halfway to meet His prodigal son. the heart of God is one that loves the lost, and to be able to know and befriend one of the lost truly is a privilege. but at the same time, i've been a horrible steward of this tremendous privilege. i've known gelareh for 2 years, and i feel like i haven't been very bold in my conversations and times with her. i feel like i've been tiptoeing, tiptoeing around certain topics, tiptoeing around the possibility of engaging in deeper conversations. im not exactly avoiding the open doors, but i just don't actively search for those doors to share my faith. i think the timidity first started off as not wanting to come off too strong. but now, the cautious timidity has progressed into something lazy, craven, and almost pointless. where's the power? where's the boldness? where's the confidence? where's the purpose? i almost feel like my times with her are pointless, not at all because i don't preach the Gospel, but wholly because i don't point to Christ. there's no substance in the times when we meet. at the end of the dinner, gelareh and i decided to have dinner together one more time before i leave ann arbor. i hope that this last meal i share with her will be a time of power, a time of boldness, but most of all, a time of real substance and purpose.
afterwards, my life group got together to make care packages for our sister life group, though it took 2 hours to even get to the grocery store due to waiting/lounging around.
 |
| delivery to our sister life group at mojo |
its hard to pick my fave lines since there are a lot of clever lines in the movie and just some awesome scenes in general. but a smattering:
Rachel Hansen: Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate.
Partygoer: So Tom, what is it that you do?
Tom: I uh, I write greeting cards.
Summer: Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be.
Partygoer: That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other?
Tom: I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that last forever, like a greeting card.
Tom: She took a giant sh*t on my face. Literally.
Alison: Literally?
Tom: Well, no, not literally. That's disgusting.
Paul: Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real.
Tom: So I guess I should say congratulations.
Summer: Only if you mean it.
Tom: Well, in that case.
Tom: You never wanted to be anybody's girlfriend, and now you're somebody's wife.
Summer: Surprised me too.
Tom: I don't think I'll ever understand that. I mean, it just doesn't make sense.
Summer: It just happened.
Tom: I know, right, but that's what i don't understand - what just happened?
Summer: I just woke up, and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
Tom: You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete and utter bullsh*t. It sucks.
Summer: What do you mean?
Tom: Well, you know, destiny, soulmates, true love, and all that childhood fairy tale nonsense. You were right.
Summer: No.
Tom: Yea. Why are you smiling? Why are you looking at me like that?
Summer: Well, you know, I guess its cuz I was sitting in a deli reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it, and now he's my husband.
Tom: Yea and so?
Summer: So what if I'd gone to the movies? What if i had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I had gotten there 10 minutes later? It was meant to be. And i just kept thinking, 'Tom was right.'
Tom: No.
Summer: Yea, I did. I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.
i hadn't seen the movie since watching it in theaters 2 years ago and watching it again with my life group friday night got me - i shamefully admit - a little emo. in general, im a sucker for movies where the boy doesn't get the girl or vice-versa via epic tragedy. this is why "the english patient" is my favorite movie. this is why i loved "snow falling on cedars," "house of flying daggers," "shakespeare in love." why i loved the lois and clark scenes in "superman returns." and what i like about "500 days" is that its not epic tragedy, but simply reality that prevents the two protagonists from getting together. in one scene, tom asks summer why she and her ex didn't work out. and summer responds with, "what always happens. life." that's the thing - the tragedy is not some dramatic event or reason that tom is looking for. its simply life.
one reason why i love this movie is because i'm tom. im a shameful female version of tom. i love the dramatics. i love sweeping and epic love stories with impossible odds and tragic endings. i want dramatic, over-the-top reasons for things. i like to write stories in my spare time (though i don't write as much as i'd like to anymore). when i was in undergrad, i'd be sitting in my classes like orgo, and instead of taking notes on stereoisomers like a good little girl, i'd sit there and write pages of dialogue for an unwritten but fully imagined story. usually, these stories would be melodramatic, and almost always, i'd envision some tragic ending. for example, theres one story that i started writing my freshman year about a girl's first love, and though i'm far from done with it, and there have been a slew of subplots and supporting characters added in over the years, the ending has remained the same in my head for the past 6 years: she doesn't get the boy. despite her return, despite her confession, he still marries another girl, and my protagonist is left at the wedding reception, saying goodbye to him one final time.
its the emo in me.
im a total tom. so that final bench scene is excruciating and engaging to me because i'm receiving those cutting words of reality at the same time he is. in general, that bench scene is just plain awesome. the dialogue is brutally honest, joseph gordon-levitt's facial expressions tear me up inside, and the truth of the script is searing. i love the scene's unapologetic honesty and frankness. its exactly the ending and explanation that the audience needs - the plain, old truth: the anarchy, reality, and injustice governing the realm of boy meets girl.
and if that bench scene or my tom-relatability were not enough, there's my absolute favorite line in the movie: "robin is better than the girl of my dreams." pause. "she's real." when i first heard that line in the theater, i was floored. and when our life group saw the movie again, i was blown away again. there's so much truth to that! the next couple paragraphs is just my emo-self-silliness, so lisa, when you look back at this particular blog post years from now, i hope that you can read this next bit with some levity.
as girls, we have this list of things that we want in our future guys. things like humor, height, culture, chivalry, similar interests, similar vocational vision, liking kids, etc, etc, etc. there's a whole laundry list of preferences. we even have things called "non-negotiables," as if we have some ounce of say to who God will lead us to in the future. its funny because some of these "non-negotiables" i hear from other girls seem so...negotiable. age? really? is that really a non-negotiable? i doubt that a sane, functioning young woman would reject an awesome guy simply because he was a year younger than her. in any case, this guy in our dreams, this perfect man on whom we've taped attributes to, he's awesome but he's not real. there are real men out there who may not match everything that we want and are looking for, but are men who love God and will love us. and that's real. so is it really settling if a girl stops waiting around for that "perfect" guy, that "guy of her dreams," and finds a real guy? who cares if he's not the perfect guy. life is about following and loving God. not marrying the guy of your dreams. not finding the perfect man.
the guy of my dreams is a super-holy joseph gordon-levitt-look-alike who passionately loves God and radically follows Christ, inspiring and challenging me in my own relationship with God, who can pull off the sweater vest look, who appreciates and enjoys film, who's more musician than athlete, who i find hilarious and vice-versa, who proves super-affirming and supportive, who can admit when he's wrong, who holds a heart for missions, and who's a shameless foodie. this is a tall order, and perhaps, an impossible one, and maybe, just maybe i have to let go of this man of my dreams. b/c one day, God's not going to lead me to my custom-version of a holy joseph gordon-levitt. he's going to lead me to someone better - someone real.
Friday, March 25, 2011
3/24: i'm not ready. and i gotta stop being a wimp.
yesterday, God gave me a reality check:
i am not ready.
i think how the scholarship interview went is reflective of how the transition is going to be. i went into that interview way too overconfident. all throughout last week and even the very day leading up to the interview, i had this mindset of, "my life is going to speak for itself." i thought i was the perfect fit -- my past experiences, my present commitments, and my future vision -- they all aligned with what the scholarship was looking for. and b/c of my ridiculous and completely unfounded overconfidence, i didn't prepare as i should have. instead of preparing diligently as i did for my school interviews, i barely even thought of potential questions. and then i got owned.
yesterday at morning prayer, i felt like God was telling me that's exactly how my transition into grad school and chicago is going to be like. if you approach this new chapter all overconfident, riding on the waves of how good you feel right now, you are gonna get owned. if you don't prepare, you're gonna get rocked. you need to be ready, lisa. you can't just dive into this new chapter with a casual and overconfident attitude. you will seriously get owned if you do that. you have to prepare yourself. you have to be ready.
as i was sitting there yesterday in the frigid church basement, for the first time since making the decision to leave, i got scared. i was so scared. i was scared b/c i realized how unready i was.
the thing is...i'm gonna get owned. the ownage is inevitable. i can't escape it. from all the people i've talked to, i'm seeing that no one's had an easy transition. i guess there's no such thing. b/c not only is there the single adult to graduate student transition, but there's also the HMCC to no-HMCC transition. for sure, im gonna get owned. it's like any interview. there are always curveball questions that make u falter a bit. but if you're ready, if you've prepared yourself, then you can take that deep breath, gather your bearings, and still give a well-executed answer. in the same way, my relationship with God will be challenged, but i think that when those curveballs and trials come my way, if i'm prepared and ready, then i'll be able to take that deep breath, gather my bearings, remember God's goodness and faithfulness, and remain steadfast with my convictions.
im thankful because yesterday morning, God gave me exactly the reality check that i needed. i have little over a month left, and i can't be overconfident about my spiritual health. i have to buckle down and prepare myself, ready myself for the challenges and trials to come. i guess the question is -- how? God, what does that look like? what does it mean to "prepare" for the next season?
hmm.
yesterday afternoon was my 2nd weekly "sabbath." destination was, strangely enough, the ann arbor district library. on the way there, i was harassed by a typical ravenous ann arbor squirrel fresh out of hibernation, and i was reminded of how signature and unique this obese rodent is here in ann arbor. after i took a picture, i was just standing there putting my camera away, and the squirrel came up to me and literally put its paws or whatever you call it on my boots. i was like...who the heck do u think u are? seriously. these critters have no fear.
prayer gathering in the evening. a good time of prayer and intercession. at the beginning, while we were still worshiping, i asked God to teach me how to pray and interceed that night. i feel like He has to teach me every week. and thankfully, God answered that prayer last night. we spent that night praying over our pre-Christian friends. i think one major personal prayer to take from that night was based off a song we sang that night -- "refiner's fire."
this past year, God has been putting together the puzzle pieces for my vocation, and im so thankful to see Him piece together my personal characteristics, my vocational interests, and His heart for people. i'm so thankful. im so thankful to have received the beginnings of some kind of vision for my future and my life. without a vision, its almost like...you have no direction and no...not exactly purpose, but....idk. when there's a vision, you know where you're going, you know to listen, and you know to trust, and there's this extraordinary peace and excitement.
but i guess my fear has been that this vision that God has given me for medical missions will fade. i'm afraid that the worldly temptations of financial security and comfort are gonna ensnare me. im scared that this passion and desire right now, which is nurtured and protected here in this spiritual community, will fade. so in the personal sense, prayer gathering was a good time for me to pray desperately, honestly, humbly for God to maintain that desire and conviction. i know that its only by His grace that i can continue to be His servant. i know that its only by His grace that i'll be able to hold onto that vision. i know that it's only by His grace that i'll be able to be faithful to this conviction. knowing that its only by His grace put me in a humble and very desperate posture last night, and im grateful that God gave me the space to pray over these things. "refiner's fire" truly was a reflection of that personal prayer time given at the beginning.
Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will
yesterday, i got an email from someone in my church. i really don't know this guy at all - we have zero context together other than the fact that we go to the same church. i worshiped next to him at the all-church service last friday (probably our closest interaction), and he emailed me yesterday telling me that during that time of worship, he felt like i "had a heart for missions." wtheck? he went on to give me details about this missions lecture for the next 4 weeks; i feel like his email was an answered prayer of sorts. God is providing me a way to learn more about missions through another organization, an organization that also speaks in chicago. even while i'm here, i can learn more about missions not only through my church, but also with other believers. im so thankful because this email showed to me that God really does provide and maintain the vision He gives us. He grants us opportunities and doors for us to keep convictions fed, steadfast, and growing.
Father, may i have the privilege to be one of the chosen few out of the many who are called. Father, may i have the privilege of being your faithful servant. Father, may i have the privilege of being poured out like an alabastar jar. Father, may i have the privilege to bring You glory through my life.
had LCG afterwards. esther had given me a box of truffles from the chocolate garden right after prayer gathering/right before LCG, and louise and i indulged in the truffles together. those truffles were one of the most decadent chocolates i've ever tasted. omg. just the memory of it is making my stomach grumble.
seriously. i love chocolate.
leaders accountability with anna afterwards. there are some nights where i feel like i'm on target and really feeling how she's feeling, and we're riding on the same wave. yesterday night was not one of those nights. idk if it was because i was tired or because i was doing that "stuck-in-my-own-paradigm-listening" that i had mentioned in an earlier post, but i think i just ended the night feeling frustrated. but i realized this morning that i can't force her to understand what i'm saying. i can't force her to comprehend where i'm coming from. the real power that i have as not just her accountability partner, but also as her friend and sister, is prayer. that's where the real power lies. more than words and actions, i gotta be praying more for her.
from yesterday's BRP:
"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!" (John 14. 12-13, NLT).
what?! "even greater works"?!?! no way. even greater works than bringing lazarus from the dead, giving sight to the blind, turning water into wine?! no way, Jesus. no way! and yet, that's what He says. and He links that promise with prayer. i guess that's where our real power lies. when we pray in His name, great things can happen. i believe it. i've experienced it personally. so....if i can do greater works via prayer, why the heck have i been praying such wimpy prayers for people recently?????
lisa. come on now. stop being a wimp. pray big and powerful prayers for the people in your life.
i am not ready.
i think how the scholarship interview went is reflective of how the transition is going to be. i went into that interview way too overconfident. all throughout last week and even the very day leading up to the interview, i had this mindset of, "my life is going to speak for itself." i thought i was the perfect fit -- my past experiences, my present commitments, and my future vision -- they all aligned with what the scholarship was looking for. and b/c of my ridiculous and completely unfounded overconfidence, i didn't prepare as i should have. instead of preparing diligently as i did for my school interviews, i barely even thought of potential questions. and then i got owned.
yesterday at morning prayer, i felt like God was telling me that's exactly how my transition into grad school and chicago is going to be like. if you approach this new chapter all overconfident, riding on the waves of how good you feel right now, you are gonna get owned. if you don't prepare, you're gonna get rocked. you need to be ready, lisa. you can't just dive into this new chapter with a casual and overconfident attitude. you will seriously get owned if you do that. you have to prepare yourself. you have to be ready.
as i was sitting there yesterday in the frigid church basement, for the first time since making the decision to leave, i got scared. i was so scared. i was scared b/c i realized how unready i was.
the thing is...i'm gonna get owned. the ownage is inevitable. i can't escape it. from all the people i've talked to, i'm seeing that no one's had an easy transition. i guess there's no such thing. b/c not only is there the single adult to graduate student transition, but there's also the HMCC to no-HMCC transition. for sure, im gonna get owned. it's like any interview. there are always curveball questions that make u falter a bit. but if you're ready, if you've prepared yourself, then you can take that deep breath, gather your bearings, and still give a well-executed answer. in the same way, my relationship with God will be challenged, but i think that when those curveballs and trials come my way, if i'm prepared and ready, then i'll be able to take that deep breath, gather my bearings, remember God's goodness and faithfulness, and remain steadfast with my convictions.
im thankful because yesterday morning, God gave me exactly the reality check that i needed. i have little over a month left, and i can't be overconfident about my spiritual health. i have to buckle down and prepare myself, ready myself for the challenges and trials to come. i guess the question is -- how? God, what does that look like? what does it mean to "prepare" for the next season?
hmm.
yesterday afternoon was my 2nd weekly "sabbath." destination was, strangely enough, the ann arbor district library. on the way there, i was harassed by a typical ravenous ann arbor squirrel fresh out of hibernation, and i was reminded of how signature and unique this obese rodent is here in ann arbor. after i took a picture, i was just standing there putting my camera away, and the squirrel came up to me and literally put its paws or whatever you call it on my boots. i was like...who the heck do u think u are? seriously. these critters have no fear.
 |
| seriously...who the heck do you think you are?! |
this past year, God has been putting together the puzzle pieces for my vocation, and im so thankful to see Him piece together my personal characteristics, my vocational interests, and His heart for people. i'm so thankful. im so thankful to have received the beginnings of some kind of vision for my future and my life. without a vision, its almost like...you have no direction and no...not exactly purpose, but....idk. when there's a vision, you know where you're going, you know to listen, and you know to trust, and there's this extraordinary peace and excitement.
but i guess my fear has been that this vision that God has given me for medical missions will fade. i'm afraid that the worldly temptations of financial security and comfort are gonna ensnare me. im scared that this passion and desire right now, which is nurtured and protected here in this spiritual community, will fade. so in the personal sense, prayer gathering was a good time for me to pray desperately, honestly, humbly for God to maintain that desire and conviction. i know that its only by His grace that i can continue to be His servant. i know that its only by His grace that i'll be able to hold onto that vision. i know that it's only by His grace that i'll be able to be faithful to this conviction. knowing that its only by His grace put me in a humble and very desperate posture last night, and im grateful that God gave me the space to pray over these things. "refiner's fire" truly was a reflection of that personal prayer time given at the beginning.
Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will
yesterday, i got an email from someone in my church. i really don't know this guy at all - we have zero context together other than the fact that we go to the same church. i worshiped next to him at the all-church service last friday (probably our closest interaction), and he emailed me yesterday telling me that during that time of worship, he felt like i "had a heart for missions." wtheck? he went on to give me details about this missions lecture for the next 4 weeks; i feel like his email was an answered prayer of sorts. God is providing me a way to learn more about missions through another organization, an organization that also speaks in chicago. even while i'm here, i can learn more about missions not only through my church, but also with other believers. im so thankful because this email showed to me that God really does provide and maintain the vision He gives us. He grants us opportunities and doors for us to keep convictions fed, steadfast, and growing.
Father, may i have the privilege to be one of the chosen few out of the many who are called. Father, may i have the privilege of being your faithful servant. Father, may i have the privilege of being poured out like an alabastar jar. Father, may i have the privilege to bring You glory through my life.
had LCG afterwards. esther had given me a box of truffles from the chocolate garden right after prayer gathering/right before LCG, and louise and i indulged in the truffles together. those truffles were one of the most decadent chocolates i've ever tasted. omg. just the memory of it is making my stomach grumble.
 |
| te amo, chocolate. te amo. |
 |
| louise picks her first victim |
leaders accountability with anna afterwards. there are some nights where i feel like i'm on target and really feeling how she's feeling, and we're riding on the same wave. yesterday night was not one of those nights. idk if it was because i was tired or because i was doing that "stuck-in-my-own-paradigm-listening" that i had mentioned in an earlier post, but i think i just ended the night feeling frustrated. but i realized this morning that i can't force her to understand what i'm saying. i can't force her to comprehend where i'm coming from. the real power that i have as not just her accountability partner, but also as her friend and sister, is prayer. that's where the real power lies. more than words and actions, i gotta be praying more for her.
from yesterday's BRP:
"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!" (John 14. 12-13, NLT).
what?! "even greater works"?!?! no way. even greater works than bringing lazarus from the dead, giving sight to the blind, turning water into wine?! no way, Jesus. no way! and yet, that's what He says. and He links that promise with prayer. i guess that's where our real power lies. when we pray in His name, great things can happen. i believe it. i've experienced it personally. so....if i can do greater works via prayer, why the heck have i been praying such wimpy prayers for people recently?????
lisa. come on now. stop being a wimp. pray big and powerful prayers for the people in your life.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
3/23: daddy
yikes. missed my megabus back to ann arbor. traffic was insane. we left our house (which is normally 40 mins max away from the loop), and it took 1.5 hours to get there. i missed the bus by 5 minutes. thankfully, there was an amtrak train for noon to take just in time for life group. thank You, Jesus! had 3 hours to kill so i walked around a bit and camped out at caribou coffee (first-timer!). they have funny napkins.
i didn't really see my dad while i was home, but he was the one driving me to the megabus stop this morning. and like my conversation in the car with my mom just 2 days before, we didn't really have much to say to one another. we talked about the interview for a while. my dad was really rooting for me to get the scholarship, and i think he saw my realistic attitude about how the interview went as pessimistic and defeatist. i told him maybe i'd rather not work in lake county for the 2 years after i graduated. what if God was calling me elsewhere after i was done with school? who knows? california? chile? i was just throwing those names out there to kid with him, but he's never been able to differentiate my serious and joking tones. "chile? why would you go to chile? you could stay here after graduating and save money and prepare for your brideship."
"brideship?!" haha. i didn't think my dad even thought about things like that.
i asked him about the church he and my mom were currently attending. he liked it. i tried to probe more, but he was pretty tight-lipped. though it was a short convo, i learned that my dad seems to be the spiritual leader in the family back at home. he's the one who's been actively checking out churches. he's the one who's been trying to get involved by joining the church choir. he's the one who's been pushing my mom to go. he's the one who's been unsuccessfully nagging my brother to go to church as well. im thankful for the growth in my father's faith. it makes me really happy to know that while i was in ann arbor doing my own thing, God was steadily growing my father all the while.
man. i really appreciate my dad. yes, he's a man of few words. and yea, he's not really much of an affirmer. but like i realized with my mom, i'm finally understanding that my father has been showing his love for me in acts of service. like driving me to the megabus stop and driving like a maniac since we were cutting it so close. like buying ridiculous amounts of fruit, mangoes and avocados in particular because he knows i love them. like calling me randomly in the evenings whenever i'm in town to see if i want to watch a movie that he's got at the store. like scrawling on napkins multiple driving directions to various places i need to go to even while i have a printed mapquest detail in my hand. like offering to drive up to ann arbor to bring some of my stuff down when i leave.
when i think about his life, i feel like such a thankless daughter. he came from a poor family and worked hard to get into a good university in korea. my mom used to tell me he'd only eat ramen for days while he was in school because he was just that ambitious. he graduated from this university with a business degree and came to the states...only to become a postal worker upon arrival. a foreign degree meant nothing here in the US, especially coupled with broken english. then, after watching an american film here, he set up an independent video store, a business that was successful throughout the 90's, before the whole netflix-youtube-hulu-watching-movies-illegally-online craze. a huge reason reason why we barely have a relationship is because while i was growing up, he'd be working from 8 am to 11 pm, coming home around 11.30 pm for a late-night dinner. for 6 days a week, he'd work by himself in the store for almost 15 hours, just to come home to either sleeping children or studying children. i remember finding movies, when i was young, laid out on the kitchen table in the morning. every morning, he'd have something for us to watch - the latest new release or new video game that we could play. i can imagine him, walking into our rooms, seeing his kids sleeping, and pulling out the videos and games he had carefully reserved for us back at the store.
the store hours have decreased since the more crazy childhood days. business is steadily declining. he doesn't like to talk about it, but it doesn't take a genius to know that the video store business is a dying one. heck, even i've used netflix, watched hulu, and am still an avid youtuber. i guess i just feel kinda sad for him, as im sure many children of immigrant children do for their parents. dad, do you think it was worth it? do you think you'll look back on your life and say that it was full of joy and purpose? dad, when you look back on those days when you were cooped up at the store for over 90 hours a week, do you ever wonder why? and are you sad when you hear that the very daughter you worked so hard for questioned how much you loved her?
all the more, im thankful for the faith that he has in Christ. because if it wasn't for a growing relationship with God, idk what he has going for him. im sure his business is not one of his passions anymore. and since his kids are all grown-up, what's the point now? i've been praying almost every day that my parents will find a spiritual community, and that they'd find full joy in their relationships with Christ. even though my dad didn't really share that much about his faith yesterday, i hope that there is a growth and depth there, a wellspring of living water that overflows his every single day. Father, would You be so gracious as to pour the fullness of Your joy, the fullness of life, and the fullness of Your love into my daddy's life. may he find the deepest moments of happiness when he's with You.
im sorry i didn't appreciate him more. but i know that Father, You lavished Your love upon him over the years, and i pray that both my parents will not derive their joy from their children or their jobs but from knowing and being loved completely and fully by You.
 |
| the sears tower |
i didn't really see my dad while i was home, but he was the one driving me to the megabus stop this morning. and like my conversation in the car with my mom just 2 days before, we didn't really have much to say to one another. we talked about the interview for a while. my dad was really rooting for me to get the scholarship, and i think he saw my realistic attitude about how the interview went as pessimistic and defeatist. i told him maybe i'd rather not work in lake county for the 2 years after i graduated. what if God was calling me elsewhere after i was done with school? who knows? california? chile? i was just throwing those names out there to kid with him, but he's never been able to differentiate my serious and joking tones. "chile? why would you go to chile? you could stay here after graduating and save money and prepare for your brideship."
"brideship?!" haha. i didn't think my dad even thought about things like that.
i asked him about the church he and my mom were currently attending. he liked it. i tried to probe more, but he was pretty tight-lipped. though it was a short convo, i learned that my dad seems to be the spiritual leader in the family back at home. he's the one who's been actively checking out churches. he's the one who's been trying to get involved by joining the church choir. he's the one who's been pushing my mom to go. he's the one who's been unsuccessfully nagging my brother to go to church as well. im thankful for the growth in my father's faith. it makes me really happy to know that while i was in ann arbor doing my own thing, God was steadily growing my father all the while.
man. i really appreciate my dad. yes, he's a man of few words. and yea, he's not really much of an affirmer. but like i realized with my mom, i'm finally understanding that my father has been showing his love for me in acts of service. like driving me to the megabus stop and driving like a maniac since we were cutting it so close. like buying ridiculous amounts of fruit, mangoes and avocados in particular because he knows i love them. like calling me randomly in the evenings whenever i'm in town to see if i want to watch a movie that he's got at the store. like scrawling on napkins multiple driving directions to various places i need to go to even while i have a printed mapquest detail in my hand. like offering to drive up to ann arbor to bring some of my stuff down when i leave.
when i think about his life, i feel like such a thankless daughter. he came from a poor family and worked hard to get into a good university in korea. my mom used to tell me he'd only eat ramen for days while he was in school because he was just that ambitious. he graduated from this university with a business degree and came to the states...only to become a postal worker upon arrival. a foreign degree meant nothing here in the US, especially coupled with broken english. then, after watching an american film here, he set up an independent video store, a business that was successful throughout the 90's, before the whole netflix-youtube-hulu-watching-movies-illegally-online craze. a huge reason reason why we barely have a relationship is because while i was growing up, he'd be working from 8 am to 11 pm, coming home around 11.30 pm for a late-night dinner. for 6 days a week, he'd work by himself in the store for almost 15 hours, just to come home to either sleeping children or studying children. i remember finding movies, when i was young, laid out on the kitchen table in the morning. every morning, he'd have something for us to watch - the latest new release or new video game that we could play. i can imagine him, walking into our rooms, seeing his kids sleeping, and pulling out the videos and games he had carefully reserved for us back at the store.
the store hours have decreased since the more crazy childhood days. business is steadily declining. he doesn't like to talk about it, but it doesn't take a genius to know that the video store business is a dying one. heck, even i've used netflix, watched hulu, and am still an avid youtuber. i guess i just feel kinda sad for him, as im sure many children of immigrant children do for their parents. dad, do you think it was worth it? do you think you'll look back on your life and say that it was full of joy and purpose? dad, when you look back on those days when you were cooped up at the store for over 90 hours a week, do you ever wonder why? and are you sad when you hear that the very daughter you worked so hard for questioned how much you loved her?
all the more, im thankful for the faith that he has in Christ. because if it wasn't for a growing relationship with God, idk what he has going for him. im sure his business is not one of his passions anymore. and since his kids are all grown-up, what's the point now? i've been praying almost every day that my parents will find a spiritual community, and that they'd find full joy in their relationships with Christ. even though my dad didn't really share that much about his faith yesterday, i hope that there is a growth and depth there, a wellspring of living water that overflows his every single day. Father, would You be so gracious as to pour the fullness of Your joy, the fullness of life, and the fullness of Your love into my daddy's life. may he find the deepest moments of happiness when he's with You.
im sorry i didn't appreciate him more. but i know that Father, You lavished Your love upon him over the years, and i pray that both my parents will not derive their joy from their children or their jobs but from knowing and being loved completely and fully by You.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
3/22: in Your hands
ugh. totally bombed the interview yesterday afternoon. i guess that's what i deserve considering how little i prepared for it. i walked in there yesterday with a lame paper copy of my scholarship application, while two smiley and charismatic young ladies walked in, the other applicants for yesterday's interview date. they were well-spoken, charming, and engaging. i was the mute asian girl in the corner stuttering and rambling. i was so unprepared. from the first question to the very last, i was a goner. afterwards, the admissions coordinator - who is super nice - walked me out and reassured/comforted me. yes, that's how bad the interview went. she had to reassure me, which was basically the nail in the coffin. the hug she gave me before i left was basically a gentler way of saying, "it's ok. you kinda sucked on your interview. but we really liked you on paper!" haha.
idk. i guess i thought my life would just speak for itself. i thought a lot of my experiences and aspirations would fit with what the scholarship was looking for. and plus, i live in lake county! come on. i thought i was a perfect fit. but it was my bad -- i didn't prepare enough. i was too lazy and probably a bit too overconfident. i get what i deserved. and while i was driving back home, the frustration and disappointment ebbed away. i truly do trust that God will provide for me financially while i am in school. i trust that God knows what He's doing and that He's ultimately in control. He's the author of my life; He's the potter, and i'm merely the clay. and looking back on how faithful and good He has been to me over the years, i know that the God of yesterday is the same God of today and of tomorrow. whatever happens, happens, and is for the best.
"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer...We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps...those who trust the Lord will be joyful...We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall" (Proverbs 16.1, 9, 20b, 33, NLT).
These were the lines i underlined in Proverbs 16, a chapter i had read before taking my GRE sometime last year. they gave me peace then, and they give me peace now. my life is in perfect hands.
idk. i guess i thought my life would just speak for itself. i thought a lot of my experiences and aspirations would fit with what the scholarship was looking for. and plus, i live in lake county! come on. i thought i was a perfect fit. but it was my bad -- i didn't prepare enough. i was too lazy and probably a bit too overconfident. i get what i deserved. and while i was driving back home, the frustration and disappointment ebbed away. i truly do trust that God will provide for me financially while i am in school. i trust that God knows what He's doing and that He's ultimately in control. He's the author of my life; He's the potter, and i'm merely the clay. and looking back on how faithful and good He has been to me over the years, i know that the God of yesterday is the same God of today and of tomorrow. whatever happens, happens, and is for the best.
"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer...We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps...those who trust the Lord will be joyful...We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall" (Proverbs 16.1, 9, 20b, 33, NLT).
These were the lines i underlined in Proverbs 16, a chapter i had read before taking my GRE sometime last year. they gave me peace then, and they give me peace now. my life is in perfect hands.
3/21: "a bad daughter" (and sister)
left ann arbor in the morning for chicago to interview for the HFNLC scholarship. the scholarship would basically waive tuition at the school in exchange for working in underserved areas of northern lake county for 2 years upon graduation. about a week ago, i was told i was one of 5 finalists and was invited down to interview.
i've been very slothful about preparing for this interview. ugh. while for my initial school interviews i was buckled down and practicing almost daily, i hadn't prepared for this scholarship interview at all. i started to jot some answers down on the megabus on monday, but motion sickness + the fact that the person sitting next to me was all up in my business made me close my laptop. ugh. i was so ill-prepared.
even though i was at home during our life group spring break trip, i was mostly with life group during that time and hardly talked to my parents at all. this time around, with my father working and my brother taking classes/working as well, it was basically just me and meine mutter on monday. she had taken her monday off to spend time with me, and as we were driving back, a small snippet of the coming reality of life back with the 'rents came careening forth.
my parents and i are simply not that close. we love each other, but we're not close. there's a fine-lined difference. we were sitting in the car, and though yes, i could tell my mother was happy to see me (and the simple act of taking monday off just so she could drive me home also testifies to her love), we just had nothing to say to one another. i was sitting there, my mind reeling, gears running, wondering what to say and ask. we talked about the current events - the tsunami and earthquake in japan and the alexandra wallace UCLA incident. after that, it was pretty much dead air. i think the sad part was by the time i got home, all i wanted to do was go to my room and be alone. the thought of keeping my mother company as she cooked was not appealing to me. idk. i just...didn't feel comfortable being around her. it wasn't natural and comfortable for me. i just don't have that kind relationship with her.
i think mi madre's pretty much the same way. she doesn't have that much to say to me either. and over the years, i'm understanding that her love language is not be quality time or words; its acts of service. every time i come home, she goes crazy on cooking food, doing my laundry, etc. whether its taking time off or cooking me food to last for centuries, she just wants to serve me. i guess that's something i need to learn to appreciate more from her.
for example: not only did she make me a huge dinner of tofu, pork, and bok choy on monday, but she baked several loaves of pumpkin bread, made several batches of homemade dumplings, made homemade kimchi, and made a slew of other banchan dishes for me to take back to ann arbor. did i have the heart to tell her the megabus only allows one carry-on? nope. not yet.
i guess reflecting on all that my mom did for me on monday is opening my eyes to how much she loves me. just because she doesn't show it in the way that i receive it best doesn't mean that she doesn't care for me. i think i interpreted a lot of her actions and words in the past as disappointment. and i think my own pride and insecurities got in the way of developing a very personal relationship with her. plus, for the past 6 years, ann arbor has been my home, and i would rarely come home to chicago, and half the times when i did, i went with friends or life groups from ann arbor. i never had the intention of investing in my family relationships during those times.
and that's one of my biggest regrets. all the time i spent in ann arbor, rarely coming home to visit, barely communicating with them about my life -- i think i hurt my parents and my younger brother a lot. my actions and lack of words communicated to my family that i just didn't care about them and that they weren't important to me. last year, dennis burst out on the phone that i cared more about ann arbor than my own family. he sounded so hurt, and God used that phone call to show me the sad truth: i have been horrible at loving and honoring my family.
i think this past monday was the first time regret hit me like a cement truck. if only i had gone home more often...if only i had called home more often...if only i had communciated with them about what was going on in my life in ann arbor...if only i had said "i love you" more often...would my relationships with my family look different now?
but i know that our God is a God who redeems. and i know that even being able to go to a grad school that is a mere 15-20 minutes away, allowing me to commute from home, is no coincidence. i know that the proximity/living at home deal is not just a money-saver; it's a chance for redemption. i know that it's not too late to repair some of the relationships that my immaturity and self-centeredness had damaged. Father, as i return to my parent's house again, i pray that You would provide restoration in our relationships. i pray and ask that You would allow us to be a completely Christ-centered family. i pray that all the hurt they went through because of me will be healed by Your sovereign and almighty name.
now, i finally comprehend that her extravagant acts of service represent the words of affirmation that she wishes she could speak to me. now, i finally see how all the food she makes for me is her way of saying, "i love you." i hope that now, my parents and my brother can finally see that they truly are important to me, and that my neglect and silence from before was more representative of an undergraduate immaturity than an actual measure of how much i really do love them.
i've been very slothful about preparing for this interview. ugh. while for my initial school interviews i was buckled down and practicing almost daily, i hadn't prepared for this scholarship interview at all. i started to jot some answers down on the megabus on monday, but motion sickness + the fact that the person sitting next to me was all up in my business made me close my laptop. ugh. i was so ill-prepared.
even though i was at home during our life group spring break trip, i was mostly with life group during that time and hardly talked to my parents at all. this time around, with my father working and my brother taking classes/working as well, it was basically just me and meine mutter on monday. she had taken her monday off to spend time with me, and as we were driving back, a small snippet of the coming reality of life back with the 'rents came careening forth.
my parents and i are simply not that close. we love each other, but we're not close. there's a fine-lined difference. we were sitting in the car, and though yes, i could tell my mother was happy to see me (and the simple act of taking monday off just so she could drive me home also testifies to her love), we just had nothing to say to one another. i was sitting there, my mind reeling, gears running, wondering what to say and ask. we talked about the current events - the tsunami and earthquake in japan and the alexandra wallace UCLA incident. after that, it was pretty much dead air. i think the sad part was by the time i got home, all i wanted to do was go to my room and be alone. the thought of keeping my mother company as she cooked was not appealing to me. idk. i just...didn't feel comfortable being around her. it wasn't natural and comfortable for me. i just don't have that kind relationship with her.
i think mi madre's pretty much the same way. she doesn't have that much to say to me either. and over the years, i'm understanding that her love language is not be quality time or words; its acts of service. every time i come home, she goes crazy on cooking food, doing my laundry, etc. whether its taking time off or cooking me food to last for centuries, she just wants to serve me. i guess that's something i need to learn to appreciate more from her.
for example: not only did she make me a huge dinner of tofu, pork, and bok choy on monday, but she baked several loaves of pumpkin bread, made several batches of homemade dumplings, made homemade kimchi, and made a slew of other banchan dishes for me to take back to ann arbor. did i have the heart to tell her the megabus only allows one carry-on? nope. not yet.
 |
| moms must have it in their genes to make delicious food. |
 |
| either that, or meine mutter's just a cut above the rest |
and that's one of my biggest regrets. all the time i spent in ann arbor, rarely coming home to visit, barely communicating with them about my life -- i think i hurt my parents and my younger brother a lot. my actions and lack of words communicated to my family that i just didn't care about them and that they weren't important to me. last year, dennis burst out on the phone that i cared more about ann arbor than my own family. he sounded so hurt, and God used that phone call to show me the sad truth: i have been horrible at loving and honoring my family.
i think this past monday was the first time regret hit me like a cement truck. if only i had gone home more often...if only i had called home more often...if only i had communciated with them about what was going on in my life in ann arbor...if only i had said "i love you" more often...would my relationships with my family look different now?
but i know that our God is a God who redeems. and i know that even being able to go to a grad school that is a mere 15-20 minutes away, allowing me to commute from home, is no coincidence. i know that the proximity/living at home deal is not just a money-saver; it's a chance for redemption. i know that it's not too late to repair some of the relationships that my immaturity and self-centeredness had damaged. Father, as i return to my parent's house again, i pray that You would provide restoration in our relationships. i pray and ask that You would allow us to be a completely Christ-centered family. i pray that all the hurt they went through because of me will be healed by Your sovereign and almighty name.
now, i finally comprehend that her extravagant acts of service represent the words of affirmation that she wishes she could speak to me. now, i finally see how all the food she makes for me is her way of saying, "i love you." i hope that now, my parents and my brother can finally see that they truly are important to me, and that my neglect and silence from before was more representative of an undergraduate immaturity than an actual measure of how much i really do love them.
3/20: bday celebration
ahh! im getting behind on these posts.
sunday.
0800: why hospitality meets this early is beyond my earthly comprehension now. even though i arrived late anyway (thinking we were meeting at 0830), i still thought the ~20 minutes we had remaining before pre-celebration prayer was a bit much. of course, this revealed how sinful a sleepy lisa can be. im thankful for pre-celebration prayer because those prayer times truly help settle my heart and get me in the right place before service. if i had just walked in without praying beforehand, i think i would have still been cranky-sleepy lisa for a good 30 minutes into the service.
1000: sunday celebration. but not just any normal sunday celebration; it was the transformation vision giving sunday celebration. the major point to take away from the sermon for me: the Kingdom cause entails 1) preaching the Gospel 2) proclaiming freedom 3) performing miracles 4) providing justice 5) pronouncing the year of the Lord's favor. whoa. those are all tall orders. a part of me wonders if i'll be able to be the faithful servant in striving to carry out all these areas. Father, by Your grace, may i be one of the faithful few, even though right now, i feel like these things are beyond me.
1330: dim sum lunch at asia city with life group! mmm....i love greasy chinese food. and i couldn't believe that some of them never had dim sum before! a travesty! i know asia city is below some people, but i personally love it. i love cheap chinese buffets. maybe it's because every time my family ever "went out," it was always to a chinese buffet, so my taste buds savor fond memories. idk...i know asia city isn't the best dim sum or chinese restaurant out there, but i'm not looking for the best. im just looking for enough.
1600: deliriously dropping people off after dim sum. i took a mini 5-minute nap at the 4-way stop up on north campus before driving off to planning meeting. idk what ingredient is common in chinese food, but chinese food never fails to put me into a a paralyzing food coma.
1800: i love whole foods. i love everything about them - the font on their tags, their generous samples, the friendly staff, the store layout, and did i mention their generous samples? i love everything about them except their exorbitant prices. are u kidding me? $8 for a bag of grapes? those grapes better grow into some magical beanstalk or something.
1930: bday dinner for me and katie by our lovely hermanas. i love these girls. the friendships i share with each and every one of them is probably one of the God's best blessings since graduating. instead of going out to eat, esther, susie, and anna made a beautiful steak dinner for me and katie. i kept saying this throughout the night (and i'm sure they got annoyed by the incessant thank-you's), but eating a meal that was made with such time, energy, and love beat any main street restaurant. the food was delicious, but what beat the food were the toasts pronounced and the company shared.
while we were eating this dinner, anna made a toast to me and katie. in response, i wanted to make a toast too, but i had to cut the first one off because i could feel myself getting emo. and during my second toast, there were a ton of pauses to prevent emo-ness again. im so thankful for each and every one of them. they are all answers to a prayer i had uttered in my freshman dorm many years ago, a prayer for genuine Biblical and Christ-centered sisterhood. i love these girls so much, and im so thankful to be able to live life and serve in ministry with them. they're all so special to me. i feel so blessed and privileged to be able to share sisterhoods with each of them. im so thankful for all the times of laughter, of random chill-age, of personal conversations, of unexpected ministry, of sharpening, of accountability. living a life of striving to love and follow Christ is not meant to be done alone, and im so thankful that i spent these past 2 years doing so with these hermosas hermanas.
2045: went over to sava's for dessert. i figured that this would be a more "corporate" celebration, since that's usually the trend (intimate dinner --> bigger-group celebration), but esther had me fooled with the whole "table for 7" statement prior to going up the stairs of the restaurant. so yes, i was mildly surprised when a large group of people jumped up behind a table upon our entrance. i guess i really am a fool. normally, im not much for the big-crowd-type of gatherings, but i had a comfortable time sunday evening. i think it may have been because of the company, but i just felt comfortable with everyone there. i think it probably also had to do with the ambiance, private setting, and because people weren't going in and out -- those who were there, for the most part, sat and ate. there wasn't as much "just dropping by" business. and because of that, there was this more relaxed and comfortable feel that i appreciated.
2300: back at home, i love what often ensues after nights out: debriefing and chilling in pajamas, while i usually try to sneak in some more dessert. the night was far from over as we sat around and talked, talked about the night, about nonsense, about more serious topics. like i said, i love these girls. i love just being able to lounge around with them. i love just being able to live life with them.
a glimpse of a more silly segment of our time back at home that sunday night (would have included a vid of my roomies but out of respect for their privacy, a snippet of self will have to do):
im thankful that i was able to celebrate my birthday with people whom i love and care about. im thankful that i was able to celebrate this birthday with sisters who are clearly blessings from God. im thankful that i was able to celebrate my last bday here in ann arbor surrounded by reminders of God's provisions, faithfulness, and love.
sunday.
0800: why hospitality meets this early is beyond my earthly comprehension now. even though i arrived late anyway (thinking we were meeting at 0830), i still thought the ~20 minutes we had remaining before pre-celebration prayer was a bit much. of course, this revealed how sinful a sleepy lisa can be. im thankful for pre-celebration prayer because those prayer times truly help settle my heart and get me in the right place before service. if i had just walked in without praying beforehand, i think i would have still been cranky-sleepy lisa for a good 30 minutes into the service.
1000: sunday celebration. but not just any normal sunday celebration; it was the transformation vision giving sunday celebration. the major point to take away from the sermon for me: the Kingdom cause entails 1) preaching the Gospel 2) proclaiming freedom 3) performing miracles 4) providing justice 5) pronouncing the year of the Lord's favor. whoa. those are all tall orders. a part of me wonders if i'll be able to be the faithful servant in striving to carry out all these areas. Father, by Your grace, may i be one of the faithful few, even though right now, i feel like these things are beyond me.
1330: dim sum lunch at asia city with life group! mmm....i love greasy chinese food. and i couldn't believe that some of them never had dim sum before! a travesty! i know asia city is below some people, but i personally love it. i love cheap chinese buffets. maybe it's because every time my family ever "went out," it was always to a chinese buffet, so my taste buds savor fond memories. idk...i know asia city isn't the best dim sum or chinese restaurant out there, but i'm not looking for the best. im just looking for enough.
 |
| deep-fried taro root |
 |
| didn't even wait for the girls to get to the table |
 |
| my first chicken feet! |
 |
| texture was really gelatinous, but flavor was pretty good. not my favorite but it wasn't as horrifying as some of my lg members thought it would be |
1800: i love whole foods. i love everything about them - the font on their tags, their generous samples, the friendly staff, the store layout, and did i mention their generous samples? i love everything about them except their exorbitant prices. are u kidding me? $8 for a bag of grapes? those grapes better grow into some magical beanstalk or something.
1930: bday dinner for me and katie by our lovely hermanas. i love these girls. the friendships i share with each and every one of them is probably one of the God's best blessings since graduating. instead of going out to eat, esther, susie, and anna made a beautiful steak dinner for me and katie. i kept saying this throughout the night (and i'm sure they got annoyed by the incessant thank-you's), but eating a meal that was made with such time, energy, and love beat any main street restaurant. the food was delicious, but what beat the food were the toasts pronounced and the company shared.
 |
| all right mouths, start watering |
 |
| scallops too?!?! |
 |
| mi hermanas |
2045: went over to sava's for dessert. i figured that this would be a more "corporate" celebration, since that's usually the trend (intimate dinner --> bigger-group celebration), but esther had me fooled with the whole "table for 7" statement prior to going up the stairs of the restaurant. so yes, i was mildly surprised when a large group of people jumped up behind a table upon our entrance. i guess i really am a fool. normally, im not much for the big-crowd-type of gatherings, but i had a comfortable time sunday evening. i think it may have been because of the company, but i just felt comfortable with everyone there. i think it probably also had to do with the ambiance, private setting, and because people weren't going in and out -- those who were there, for the most part, sat and ate. there wasn't as much "just dropping by" business. and because of that, there was this more relaxed and comfortable feel that i appreciated.
 |
| staring the desserts down |
 |
| COD-ers |
 |
| (sic)! |
 |
| avec past and current co-leaders |
 |
a glimpse of a more silly segment of our time back at home that sunday night (would have included a vid of my roomies but out of respect for their privacy, a snippet of self will have to do):
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)