a piece of peace

"But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  - John 14.25-27 (NIV)

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  - John 16.33 (NIV)

Father, thank You for being a God of peace.  You're not a god of turmoil, a god of chaos, a god of negligence.  You're a God who listens, a God who cares, a God who loves.  You're a God of peace.  just over a week ago, i was so anxious, so worried, so frazzled, so discouraged with "the big 3."  i was heavy with this incessant buzzing of concern.  im so thankful b/c since then, through people, through my QTs, through Sunday services, God has allowed me to to see Him and remember Him.

started with last sunday.  went to redeemerlife church again for sunday service.  i'd still been feeling so discouraged and dejected from my recent interactions with my brother.  and God knew.  He knew the heaviness of my heart.  and like a caring father, He gently poured hope into me through the sermon.  the sermon covered John 15.1-6, the well-known "I am the vine; you are the branches" passage.  the pastor spoke about how in the Old Testament, vine imagery was utilized to point out israel's failures.  in the books of Hosea, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel, the prophets compare israel to a vine, but a vine that essentially failed at what it was supposed to do and be b/c israel produced "wild grapes," became a "wild vine," and bore the "fruit" of more idols.  the vine represented israel's failure.

and yet, Jesus says in verse 1: "I am the true vine."  the true vine.  b/c where israel failed, He was going to succeed.  b/c where i've failed, where i've failed as a sister, where i've failed as a follower of Christ, where i've failed as a daughter, where i've failed as a lover of God's people, where i've failed as a lover of the lost, Jesus proclaimed that He was the true vine -- that He would succeed, that He would cover over these failures, that He would bear the true fruit for me.  as long as i remain in Him, He'll do all the work.

dang.

idk...that struck such a chord with me.  i've failed so much w/ my family since coming back home.  but its ok.  its ok because Christ covers that.  and from here on out, i can strive for Christlike character and a Gospel life.  as long as i remain in Him, i can strive to be like Christ.  and He will be my vine, my source of growth and progress.  from that sermon, i felt so much more hopeful about the mistakes i've made with my brother.  its not too late, lisa.  its not too late.  even though you've hurt him so much, Jesus will succeed where you failed.  He gives you second chances.  so today, tomorrow -- they're all new days where you can strive for Christlike character and a Gospel life; they're all new days where you can strive to be the love of God to him.

God reinforced his encouragement with my BRP the following day: "Look, the highest heavens and the earth and everything in it all belong to the Lord your God...Yet...he chose you...above all other nations, as is evident today.  Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn" (Deuteronomy 10.14-16, NLT).

slap to the back of the head right there.  look at the highest heavens and everything on this earth.  God is so great, big, majestic, mighty, and awesome.  and for some crazy reason, God chose you -- a wicked, selfish, and proud sinner to have a love relationship with Him.  what in the world...?  He chose you.  so what do i do with this incomprehensible grace?  "Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn" (v.16).  that's right, lisa.  stop being so proud.  stop being so selfish.  stop being so stubborn.  just stop it.  turn around.  love your family.  be Christ to your family.  not b/c of duty, not b/c of them, not b/c of you.  but b/c God chose you and saved you.

its not too late to repent, not too late to truly repent by how you live.  from His Word, hope has replaced the dark dejection that heavily weighed down on me regarding my relationship with my brother.

and then there's the anxiety i had about finding a new spiritual community.  since coming back, i've been starving for Biblical community.  i've been so anxious about this search -- when will i find my new home?  but now, even though im still wanting that community, i think God has given me so much more peace about this search, a peace dispensed through people.

last sunday, i went to visit splinter in chicago.  it was so good to see her, to hang out with her, and to talk with her face-to-face.  i visited her apartment in chicago, and then we went to the beach since it was so nice out.

splinter @ the ice cream stand

sponge bob's messed up-eye was a sad and pitiful sight

words can't fully describe how sovereignly perfect it was to spend that afternoon with ruth.  not only b/c she's a familiar face, not only b/c she's someone who knows me so well, not only b/c i feel so comfortable around her, but mostly b/c she's someone who has had to transition from hmcc to chicago before.  first off, i absolutely love ruth.  i've written several posts about her before, and seeing her again in-person reminded me of why i gush about her.  even though i have a ton of respect for her, there exists this level of personability and vulnerability that is mutual and reciprocated which makes her feel like such a friend.  not a high and lofty mentor.  but a genuine friend whom i love, can laugh with, can relate to, and also look up to.  thats a rare combination.  and that uncanny conglomerate was our afternoon on the shores of lake michigan.  we laughed, we caught each other up on our lives, but most of all, as i shared with her about my concerns about finding a new spiritual home, i was comforted b/c of what she shared about her first year out of mission year and hmcc.

i felt so much more at peace about my current situation after she shared.  even though i knew this transition was going to be super difficult, hearing ruth's personal experiences, listening to someone who's trekked that road before eased my anxiety.  as i was sharing with her about the uncertainty i had with redeemerlife, she reminded me of some important things that i needed to think about and consider, things that i needed to hear from someone else, things that were reinforced with my time with nancy later that day.  

after chilling with ruth, i went to visit park community church, the church in the city that nancy now attends.  i met her there, and she accompanied me to sunday service.  

"we exist to be a Biblical community where the Gospel of Jesus Christ transforms lives, renews the city, and impacts the world."  haha...sound eerily familiar? 

the church is big, very developed, and super organized; they had their own cafe and their own legit bookstore.  it was pretty crazy.  i know that nancy loves this church, and i could tell that she is definitely getting her bearings and finding her place in there, getting involved with the worship band, leading a small group, getting connected with people, going on a recent missions trip to joplin with them.  but personally, i didn't connect with this church.  idk.  it was sovereign too b/c at this particular service, the pastor recounted the church's overall vision -- to be a light in the city of chicago (which is great and definitely convicting).  but throughout the sermon, i continually transferred each of his points not to the city, but to north chicago.  the pastor preached on the ministry of presence, of engaging where you are, of not just living in a city, but engaging fully in the city, of living purposefully and righteously.  that was definitely a powerful message for me to hear, but i kept thinking of that in the context of my family and of north chicago.  along with some other things and the feel that i got at the end of the service, i had this distant feeling with park community.... 

anyways, had dinner with nancy afterwards at butterfly sushi.  yum! 

another sushi-lovin' choi!

prior to meeting up with her that night, i didn't know nancy at all.  when she was still in ann arbor, i only knew her as the church worship leader, and i was fairly terrified of her.  i solely observed her stage presence, heard whispers of her holiness, and instantly, i was intimidated.  so while she was in ann arbor, i never developed a relationship with her -- she was one of those untouchables.

but out of desperation for community a couple weeks ago as i moved back to chicago, i emailed her sheepishly, hoping for any church suggestions.  i was so surprised that she not only responded with full detail but also offered to take me to her church and even grab dinner afterwards.  what?!  really??  and going into the dinner, i was pretty excited...but i was also wondering a bit...what are we going to talk about?  i wonder if its going to be awkward.  i wonder what our interactions are going to be like.

we sat in that restaurant for almost two and a half hours, and in all honesty, time flew by.  i was stunned at how open nancy was about her life, at how honestly and fluidly she shared.  and as she shared, i met not the scary-intimidating-super-holy matriarch that i was once so afraid of, but i met this warm, easygoing, incredibly amiable sister.  that surprising discovery was such a treasure!  and it felt so good to be able to share my current concerns about finding a new spiritual community with her, especially b/c she, like ruth, has trudged down this road before.  and just like my time with ruth, her insight, advice, and honest reflections on her own time gave me so much reassurance and peace about my situation.  just as ruth shared, nancy also reiterated that yes, this transition time is going to be incredibly tough.  there's no sugar-coating it.  it was incredibly difficult for her, just as it was for ruth.  and even as she was sharing her prior difficulties, there was this warm blanket of understanding.  someone understands.  someone's gone through this before.  she knows exactly how i feel.  she struggled.  and just like ruth, she has emerged out of the struggle with a community that she loves and can call home.

that sunday night, driving back home, peace flooded into my heart concerning my search for a spiritual community.  yes, its gonna be hard.  and yes, its prolly going to take at the very least, half a year to find that place.  but i have two sisters who have gone this road before, who are lovers of Christ and have exemplified Christ's love to me, sisters who i can turn to for support and encouragement.  and i have these two living examples of a year of struggle, of faithfulness when it was hard to be faithful, finally rewarded with new spiritual homes.  i have a lot more peace about this search now b/c i know that God will lead me to a community.  though the road may be long and rough, in the end, God will be there. 

this peace in my heart had been building up throughout last week starting from that sunday.  even with school, im starting to get to know some of my classmates, starting to feel more comfortable with this whole grad school thing.  im enjoying my classes more and more.  i feel like such a nerd saying this, but sometimes when i'm walking in the halls, i get giddy thinking about where this is going to lead me.  i'm going to be a PA!  i'm going to treat patients!  i'm going to serve the underprivileged!  ahhhh!  i get so excited thinking about it!  and the crazy thing to is one of my professors had a presentation on medical missions -- i could hardly believe it.  while some of my classmates were perusing on facebook as she was lecturing, i was glued to the screen.  :)

anyway, this peace has been growing since last sunday, and this past sunday, i think i finally realized that it was peace and not just temporary euphoria or forgetting my "woes."  i visited lakeview church this sunday.  i've been so used to asian-dominant churches, and this half caucasian church demographic was surprisingly refreshing.  the pastor was a great and compelling speaker, preaching on a powerful message that i regretfully won't recount here cuz its getting late and this post is getting way too long.  but it was such a good sermon, and afterwards, after meeting the pastor's wife and some of the older members, driving back home...idk.  there was this peace.  even though i'm going to be visiting churches for a while, being able to experience God and just be with Him, even if its with a complete group of strangers is - for now - more than okay.  i just love being with Him, and until i find that church i can call home, as long as God is with me, i'm good. 

also visited one of redeemerlife's small groups this past sunday evening.  ahhh!  it felt so good to be able to commune with believers again, to discuss the Bible, to learn from them, to pray for one another.  it felt soooo...idk...refreshing to be able to fellowship with Christ-followers.  i loved it, savored every moment.  even though there were only 4 other people in that room, even though they were all complete strangers and older than me, even though i might not stay with this church, it didn't matter.  being able to commune with Christ together was so refreshing. 

God, thank You so much for turning me around, for shifting my attitude, for opening my eyes, for lightening my perspective.  thank You, Father of lights, my God of peace.

the big 3

just finished off the first full week of school.  ahhh!  my mind's been flurrying with lots of anxieties, thoughts, and reflections all week, and now, by the week's end, i feel like i've settled down enough to group all my mental tornadoes to 3 main areas, areas that not only comprise what's relevant to me now, but also my principal prayer requests.

in no particular order...

1) Spiritual community.

the hunt continues.  i've been attending the redeemerlife church i mentioned a couple posts ago, the church located in lake county, the church that seems to share my personal vision for the next 4 years.  despite my resonance with the church's mission/vision, one of my gripes with this church was its lack of peer community for me.  i mean, really -- am i going to find community among married couples?  where are all the single adults and grad students?  i've only met one so far in this brand new church plant of about 20 people.  

i'm so hungry for community.  my intimate life with God remains steady (but i think that has a lot to do with how desperately i need Him right now haha), but i'm craving, starving, thirsting for Biblical community...ahhh!  God, please provide! 

idk.  im so confused.  a couple days ago, i had dinner with pastor peter (of redeemerlife) and his family.  first off, it was nice to be able to grab dinner with a pastor.  pastor seth, pastor pete, and even pastor andrew -- they were all so busy that the mere thought of actually grabbing a meal with them was laughable.  an hour interval coffee rendezvous was the best i could get with these guys.  so it was nice to have received pastor pete's invite to share a meal with his family.  and from that dinner, the great first impression i had of him only grew.  i really like this pastor -- he's personable, friendly, and for some reason, i feel at ease talking with him.  

its crazy cuz pastor peter is one of pastor seth's buddies: they were both in the same worship ministry when they were both down at CFC in U of I, and pastor peter even knew p.seth before he was saved when they were both in high school, when p. seth was this "preppy kid that [p.peter] was praying for."  and apparently, this ex-worship group of now-current pastors still meets once a year to have a mini-retreat w/ each other.  it was awesome to meet this guy who knew so much about pastor seth, and because he already knew p. seth, he already knew the "DNA" of hmcc, and therefore, there was this unspoken understanding of where i was coming from spiritually.  

while pastor peter was sharing about redeemerlife, i could immediately tell the differences between p. peter and p.seth.  while pastor seth is very much apostolically gifted with broad and far-reaching visions that are globally driven, p. peter is much more pastoral than apostolic and far more focused on the surrounding local community.  and as he was sharing about where he wanted to take redeemerlife, i couldn't help but get excited -- that's exactly what i want to do!  reach out to the local community of lake county?  dreams of a community center for the underprivileged?  working with local secular outreaches in lake county?  partnering with other churches in the lake county area?  sign me up, pastor peter!  he told me about a homeless shelter based in north chicago (where my school is located!) that he was going to visit this week.  he spoke of his growing burden for the latino population, and how he had met with a pastor of a latino church in lake county to possibly partner with.  no way!  ever since coming back from chile, i've had this lingering heart for the latino community.  ahhh!  i could barely contain my excitement with pastor peter.  

idk though.  while what they're wanting to do seems to align with my personal vision, where's the community?  i visited one of their small groups last friday, and it was just me and two other married couples.  and while the topic was something that definitely inspired and challenged me, was that really community???  idk!!!!  oh man, God, i really need discernment.  Father, please lead me to the new spiritual home that honors You, a place where i can grow and fall deeper in love with You.  

2) School.

academically, it hasn't been too crazy yet.  b/c the curriculum is medically-based, i'm actually interested in what i'm studying.  i'm enjoying anatomy; being able to dissect cadavers and view organs in situ has been great.  i get so excited when it comes to medicine, and all the more, didactically, i feel like God is affirming day after day that this is the career that i'm going to love waking up to my alarm clock for.

but making friends....is hard.  man.  i haven't felt this uncomfortable and insecure since my freshman year in high school when i had just moved to highland park, a homogenous area brimming with privileged white kids (i was one of four other asians at my high school).  that freshman year was a nightmare full of loneliness and insecurities.  and this past first week of PA school has brought back the feelings from that high school freshman year.  college was different b/c there were so many different people, i was living in a hall full of friends, and for some reason, making friends is simple in college.  but grad school feels...so different.  its a smaller class, and we pretty much all commute from nearby suburbs or from the city.  and i keep sitting around the same people, people who seem so disinterested in befriending me.  i've been open, i've been talkative, i've been amicable, but all those traits that seemed to gel so well back in ann arbor fall on deaf ears at my school.  its been draining trying to just even make acquaintances, and the cynical part of me is wondering -- will i even make friends here?  haha...

but i guess this desperate state is good for me.  each day, i have to come to God b/c i really feel like i have no choice.  i have to go to Him or else i'll drown in my worries and insecurities.  so maybe its good that its been difficult b/c its been forcing me to have very real, raw, and honest times with God.  if everything was fine and dandy, i prolly wouldn't feel the need as much to come to God and spend time with Him.  i prolly wouldn't have maybe even felt this desperate for spiritual community.  so i guess...in a way, im thankful.  i just have to remember.  i've been reading Numbers and the Psalms for my BRP, and the thing that keeps popping up from both these books is this concept of remembering.  remembering the God that i've witnessed, experienced, and fallen in love with.  remembering the God who answers prayers, the God who is sovereign, the God who is my Abba Father, the God whose ways are straight and perfect, the God who is mighty.  

one thing i'm so grateful for is God's sovereign provision in the friends from high school that i have here in chicago.  its not by mere coincidence that my closest friends in high school are all currently in the highland park area.  all of us.  thats insane.  at this age, our peers are at grad schools across the country and working in different cities (and even countries)!  but to find all of us here in the small suburb of highland park again is uncanny...but also awesome.  i forgot how much i missed these girls and how special they truly are to my heart.  we were inseparable in high school.  and while i did spend a lot of time with friends from my swim team, this specific trio were the friends with whom i always felt the most comfortable, girls with whom i laughed the most, and sisters with whom i always felt so at home.  and over the years in college and afterward, time and distance tried to drive a wedge between us...but to no avail.  now that we're all back in the same city, there's been no change to the quality of closeness and love that i feel with them.  i love these girls, and im sooooo incredibly thankful that i have them with me back here in chicago.   i really feel like they are God's gift and provision for me.

rach and her first experience with bibimbap

susan!

 3) Family.

family frustrates me.  family frustrates me because i felt like i could be patient, gracious, loving, serving, and  humble with people back in ann arbor -- with life group members, with peers, even with random church acquaintances.  but for some reason, with my family, all those traits seem to go flying out the window.  i'm completely impatient, horrifically obnoxious, terrifyingly proud, repulsively malicious, and shamefully self-serving.  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!  this is such a reality check!  my rubber mask has ripped off, revealing the true monster inside of me.  and what sucks is that these are the people i love the most.  how come we always hurt the people we love the most?

i know i've made so many mistakes with them; not calling them, not coming home, not even shooting them an email over the past 6 years.  i've been a horrible sister and daughter.  and this is the second chance that God has given me -- to repair, to restore, to redeem. but my innate wickedness represents a huge obstacle.  im seriously like the worst person in the world.  how come i can't be Christlike to my family?

the past month, i've gotten into several arguments with my brother, and the other day, we got into another one.  it wasn't huge.  there wasn't any crazy screaming or yelling.  but i think this was our worst fight b/c there was an air of surrender.  he gave up on me.  he didn't buy into the whole "Christian change."  he made it clear he never wanted to hear anything about God from me.  but these were all old "hot topics" between us.  the worst was that he said he was not going to expect me to be a sister or friend to him anymore b/c he was done with getting hurt and disappointed by me.  and that absolutely crushed me.  speechless, i retired to my room, and in my initial anger, i thought, "fine!  i give up on you too!  gosh dennis, u think this is easy for me too, trying to build a relationship from broken shards?"

but after that anger, these past couple days, i feel sadness.  b/c yea...he really meant it.  there's a strange cool civility between us now, a gaping distance.  we were best friends growing up.  but now...is my own brother becoming a complete stranger?

oh man, God.  i really screwed up.  i really really really screwed up with my family.  Father, please redeem.  Father, please restore.  please!  i'm so sorry!  i'm so sorry for messing up with these beautiful parents and this beautiful brother.  please...don't let it be too late.  i've seen You work in families.  i've seen Your power.  i know that You are mighty to save, and i remember the great and awesome God that i witnessed, the God who would minister to the undeserving.  so God, i come before You, humbly, knowing that i'm completely undeserving, and i am on my knees, begging You to bring healing to this family.