3/24: i'm not ready. and i gotta stop being a wimp.

yesterday, God gave me a reality check: 

i am not ready.

i think how the scholarship interview went is reflective of how the transition is going to be.  i went into that interview way too overconfident.  all throughout last week and even the very day leading up to the interview, i had this mindset of, "my life is going to speak for itself."  i thought i was the perfect fit -- my past experiences, my present commitments, and my future vision -- they all aligned with what the scholarship was looking for.  and b/c of my ridiculous and completely unfounded overconfidence, i didn't prepare as i should have.  instead of preparing diligently as i did for my school interviews, i barely even thought of potential questions.  and then i got owned.

yesterday at morning prayer, i felt like God was telling me that's exactly how my transition into grad school and chicago is going to be like.  if you approach this new chapter all overconfident, riding on the waves of how good you feel right now, you are gonna get owned.  if you don't prepare, you're gonna get rocked.  you need to be ready, lisa.  you can't just dive into this new chapter with a casual and overconfident attitude.  you will seriously get owned if you do that.  you have to prepare yourself.  you have to be ready.

as i was sitting there yesterday in the frigid church basement, for the first time since making the decision to leave, i got scared.  i was so scared.  i was scared b/c i realized how unready i was.

the thing is...i'm gonna get owned.  the ownage is inevitable.  i can't escape it.  from all the people i've talked to, i'm seeing that no one's had an easy transition.  i guess there's no such thing.  b/c not only is there the single adult to graduate student transition, but there's also the HMCC to no-HMCC transition.  for sure, im gonna get owned.  it's like any interview.  there are always curveball questions that make u falter a bit.  but if you're ready, if you've prepared yourself, then you can take that deep breath, gather your bearings, and still give a well-executed answer.  in the same way, my relationship with God will be challenged, but i think that when those curveballs and trials come my way, if i'm prepared and ready, then i'll be able to take that deep breath, gather my bearings, remember God's goodness and faithfulness, and remain steadfast with my convictions.

im thankful because yesterday morning, God gave me exactly the reality check that i needed.  i have little over a month left, and i can't be overconfident about my spiritual health.  i have to buckle down and prepare myself, ready myself for the challenges and trials to come.  i guess the question is -- how?  God, what does that look like?  what does it mean to "prepare" for the next season?

hmm.

yesterday afternoon was my 2nd weekly "sabbath."  destination was, strangely enough, the ann arbor district library.  on the way there, i was harassed by a typical ravenous ann arbor squirrel fresh out of hibernation, and i was reminded of how signature and unique this obese rodent is here in ann arbor.  after i took a picture, i was just standing there putting my camera away, and the squirrel came up to me and literally put its paws or whatever you call it on my boots.  i was like...who the heck do u think u are?  seriously.  these critters have no fear.

seriously...who the heck do you think you are?!

prayer gathering in the evening.  a good time of prayer and intercession.  at the beginning, while we were still worshiping, i asked God to teach me how to pray and interceed that night.  i feel like He has to teach me every week.  and thankfully, God answered that prayer last night.  we spent that night praying over our pre-Christian friends.  i think one major personal prayer to take from that night was based off a song we sang that night -- "refiner's fire."

this past year, God has been putting together the puzzle pieces for my vocation, and im so thankful to see Him piece together my personal characteristics, my vocational interests, and His heart for people.  i'm so thankful.  im so thankful to have received the beginnings of some kind of vision for my future and my life.  without a vision, its almost like...you have no direction and no...not exactly purpose, but....idk.  when there's a vision, you know where you're going, you know to listen, and you know to trust, and there's this extraordinary peace and excitement.

but i guess my fear has been that this vision that God has given me for medical missions will fade.  i'm afraid that the worldly temptations of financial security and comfort are gonna ensnare me.  im scared that this passion and desire right now, which is nurtured and protected here in this spiritual community, will fade.  so in the personal sense, prayer gathering was a good time for me to pray desperately, honestly, humbly for God to maintain that desire and conviction.  i know that its only by His grace that i can continue to be His servant.  i know that its only by His grace that i'll be able to hold onto that vision.  i know that it's only by His grace that i'll be able to be faithful to this conviction.  knowing that its only by His grace put me in a humble and very desperate posture last night, and im grateful that God gave me the space to pray over these things.  "refiner's fire" truly was a reflection of that personal prayer time given at the beginning.

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

yesterday, i got an email from someone in my church.  i really don't know this guy at all - we have zero context together other than the fact that we go to the same church.  i worshiped next to him at the all-church service last friday (probably our closest interaction), and he emailed me yesterday telling me that during that time of worship, he felt like i "had a heart for missions."  wtheck?  he went on to give me details about this missions lecture for the next 4 weeks; i feel like his email was an answered prayer of sorts.  God is providing me a way to learn more about missions through another organization, an organization that also speaks in chicago.  even while i'm here, i can learn more about missions not only through my church, but also with other believers.  im so thankful because this email showed to me that God really does provide and maintain the vision He gives us.  He grants us opportunities and doors for us to keep convictions fed, steadfast, and growing.  

Father, may i have the privilege to be one of the chosen few out of the many who are called.  Father, may i have the privilege of being your faithful servant.  Father, may i have the privilege of being poured out like an alabastar jar.  Father, may i have the privilege to bring You glory through my life.

had LCG afterwards.  esther had given me a box of truffles from the chocolate garden right after prayer gathering/right before LCG, and louise and i indulged in the truffles together.  those truffles were one of the most decadent chocolates i've ever tasted.  omg.  just the memory of it is making my stomach grumble.

te amo, chocolate.  te amo.

louise picks her first victim

seriously.  i love chocolate.

leaders accountability with anna afterwards.  there are some nights where i feel like i'm on target and really feeling how she's feeling, and we're riding on the same wave.  yesterday night was not one of those nights.  idk if it was because i was tired or because i was doing that "stuck-in-my-own-paradigm-listening" that i had mentioned in an earlier post, but i think i just ended the night feeling frustrated.  but i realized this morning that i can't force her to understand what i'm saying.  i can't force her to comprehend where i'm coming from.  the real power that i have as not just her accountability partner, but also as her friend and sister, is prayer.  that's where the real power lies.  more than words and actions, i gotta be praying more for her.

from yesterday's BRP:
"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.  You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father.  Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!" (John 14. 12-13, NLT).

what?!  "even greater works"?!?!  no way.  even greater works than bringing lazarus from the dead, giving sight to the blind, turning water into wine?!  no way, Jesus.  no way!  and yet, that's what He says.  and He links that promise with prayer.  i guess that's where our real power lies.  when we pray in His name, great things can happen.  i believe it.  i've experienced it personally.  so....if i can do greater works via prayer, why the heck have i been praying such wimpy prayers for people recently?????

lisa.  come on now.  stop being a wimp.  pray big and powerful prayers for the people in your life.