the reason why i clumped 2/9 to 2/11 together is cuz the past 3 days were the darkest days i've had since coming back from Chile missions ~1 month ago. and im thankful for yesterday evening because the Word showed me that i am totally a Peter. and not the cool peter after Jesus' death and resurrection. but the messed up peter in Mark 14.
this past month, i felt like i was growing deeper in my relationship with God and becoming more intimate with Him. i was riding on that "feel-good" sense that you get when life is going well and when you feel right with God. this past month, I was like Peter in Mark 14.27-31. Jesus predicted that his disciples would desert Him, but Peter confidently states, "Even if everyone else deserts you, I never will" (v.29). And even after Jesus predicted Peter's denial in v.30, Peter still declared, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!" he was so confident with where he was at in his relationship with Christ and so confident in his own faith, that even when Christ Himself predicted his denial, Peter rebuffed Him.
after the churchwide fast a couple weeks ago, i felt like God was asking me to fast again because the fast that I had done was not the type of fast that He had wanted from me. but i ignored this, because like Peter, i was so confident with how i was feeling with God. i was so confident in my faith with Him. "I'm so intimate with You, God. I'm so in love with You right now! I'm on fire for You, God! What are you talking about with this repeat fasting business? Wherever you want me to be, I'm already there." i placed so much security and confidence in my own faith. i remember even saying the very words that Peter had spoken to Christ to a younger sister that week after the churchwide fast - that even if I had to die with Christ, I would never deny Him. That I would die with Him.
i see now why this is the worst place anyone can be spiritually because feeling this type of confidence in one's faith can lead to not only to increased spiritual battle and pride, but also greater laxity. right after Peter makes that grand proclamation in vv. 27-31, Jesus goes up to Gethsemane to pray, and Peter freakin falls asleep. In the imminent hour, Peter is snoozing. And Jesus tells him, "Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak" (Mark 14.38). in my happy-go-lucky spiritual state, in my confidence of my faith and my growing intimacy with God, i let myself fall asleep. when i should have been even more alert and watchful in praying - praying against the impending spiritual battle, praying for my heart and my soul, praying for others - when i should have been that watchmen on the walls in prayer, i let myself take a snooze.
and this is what happens when one snoozes.
from 2/9 to 2/11, some old sins, negative thoughts, and insecurities hit me full-force. i cant even blog about these individual days themselves because they were days of emptiness, purposelessness, and uselessness. the return of some of these things was especially overwhelming because this past month, i had been riding on the waves of victory over these very struggles, riding on the cleansing and healing God had started during Chile missions. i thought that God had completely set me free from these things. but it was clear that even though my spirit was willing, my flesh was still so weak. yes, my spirit is willing to fully follow, love, and obey God, and my growing intimacy with God this past month is not discounted because of my willing spirit. but i forgot that despite my spirit, my flesh and body are still here, and my flesh is so weak.
and yesterday evening, as i came into ACCESS, the rooster crowed. In Mark 14.30, Jesus predicts that Peter will deny Christ three times before the rooster crows twice. when i think of roosters crowing, i think of wakeup calls. because its the cock-a-doodle-doo that represents the call for the farmer to wake up. and i think that rooster crow was a wakeup call to Peter as to where his heart was really at. in a similar way, the rooster crowed a second time for me (the first time being prayer gathering the night before) that ACCESS evening, and i finally woke up. the rooster crowed. it was my wakeup call. it was my wakeup call to how spiritually distant i had gotten from the God who i had proclaimed i would follow and love with all of my heart and life this past month. it was my wakeup call to how weak my flesh and body really were despite the willingness of my heart. it was my wakeup call to how i had been falling asleep when i should have been praying.
im thankful for the rooster crow yesterday evening. it was good for my eyes to be opened to this spiritual distance, to the reality of my sin, to the weakness of my flesh. im thankful that God gave me the time to confess and repent of my sin, and as i was doing so, i felt the burden of my sin being lifted off. im so thankful that my God is a God who holds no record of wrongs, who cleanses us by His blood, who does not reject a broken and contrite heart.
but as a response, i know that i cant delay any longer in seeking God with the intensity that He had asked me to those 2 weeks ago when He had asked me to start the fast again. He was advising me then, and i ignored him. and now that i've been woken up, i know that i cant ignore His instructions this time. even though theres our life group Valentine's Day blessing tonight, even though theres a whole slew of meals i want to share in accordance with Operation CACH, even though i seriously hate hate hate hate fasting, i know what i need to do. i need to get back to that place with God, to not only a restored intimacy, but a completely humble intimacy, a level of intimacy that i never could have imagined, the kind that requires that prayerful watchfulness, that humble awareness of one's weak flesh, that utter dependence and desperation for a God so blindingly holy and righteous.
im thankful for the wakeup calls You give us, Father, even though we don't deserve it. im thankful for the second chance You give me to fast and come before you even though i disobeyed the first time around. and im thankful that instead of religion we practice, we have a love relationship with God. because in any organic relationship, there are up's and down's and the beauty of forgiveness and undeserved second chances.
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