its starting to hit me. ugh.
it always comes. its inevitable. it happens every year. i guess it just took me by surprise b/c everything was going fine and dandy. and then wham, wednesday comes. and suddenly, im tired. and not physically tired. im talking about the emotional tiredness that comes from months of ministry.
i've been a life group leader for the past 3 years, and there has always been - without fail - a point during the school year where suddenly, im just so tired. its not easy to have to be faithful to the call of shepherding a group of students. loving and praying for members takes a toll. not because its hard to love and care for your members. not at all. its just the nature of the beast. caring about people - really caring about their welfare and how they're doing -- and bearing their burdens with them (even if they don't realize it) takes a toll. on top of that, in addition to the love and care for that individual person, your heart is also for the general health of the group -- how is the group doing overall? whats the dynamic? where is God leading us? what is His vision for the group as a whole? the ministry is two-fold: the individual's health and the group's health. because if a single life group member is doing awesome, but the whole group is off...or if the whole group atmosphere seems to be awesome, but one member ain't doing so well....
idk if this emotional tiredness is a general consensus among other leaders. now that i think about, this probably just indicates a flaw in the way that i do ministry. idk. its not necessarily feeling "burnt out." its more...you just feel tired. its tiring to have to not only constantly think about the health of individuals and of the whole group, but its tiring because you love them, you love the members, and you love the group, and that love isn't turned on or off on wednesdays or fridays or saturdays. that love for them, for each person and for your group as a whole, is always on, its always there, its always on your heart. you're not just always thinking about them; you're always loving them. so when you see them experience God in little ways, when you see an ounce of growth, your heart is completely overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness. my lg members usually dismiss me as being overly silly and dramatic in those moments, but im completely serious when i go all out on them when they're growing and experiencing God. but on the flip side, when they're going through hard times, or when the group as a whole is going through a rut or a plateau, its hits you the worst. your heart tugs, your gut churns. and you're desperate, probably more than anyone else, for the group to climb out of the pit and back into the light.
anyways, this tiredness usually hits me in february. so i guess i should have seen it coming. but as i was sitting in life group this past wednesday, it hit me like a freight train. a sudden impact, out-of-nowhere, catching me completely off-guard. it was february 24th, so i guess i should have expected it to hit. every year for the past 3 years, its hit me in february. i guess this year is no different.
what to do now? i gotta fight through it and fight my flesh. i gotta pray for strength. i gotta pray for protection against spiritual battle. i gotta depend on God all the more. i gotta be filled by Christ, His love, and the Holy Spirit. i gotta look to the Cross and know who I'm doing this all for. not for myself, not for the members, but for my Father in heaven. b/c when i make it about myself, when i make it about the group itself, when i make it about the members, its game over. but when i refocus on who its really all for, i get recharged. i wake up. and i can run, sprint to the finish line.
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