2/17: monsoon season

i have really bad memory.  long-term and short-term.  there have been numerous occasions where people will bring up details in prior conversations we've shared, and i will have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.  its not that i don't care in the midst of that conversation.  its simply because my memory is ashamedly horrible.  i read somewhere that one can improve memory by "exercising" the brain through daily sudoku because apparently, sudoku is brain food.


anyway, i think my bad memory translates into the way i am with God and His blessings.  i have horrible memory when it comes to the good things that God has done in my life.  its crazy how a couple "down" days can completely turn my perspective and attitude a complete 180 degrees.

thursday was one of those "down" days.  i think i felt discouraged and hopeless about the recurrence of some insecurities, negative thoughts, and sins.  boo.  i was discouraged because i thought i was "done" with a lot of this junk.  but i guess what im learning is that healing is a process.  its not a done deal - its not like God takes a gigantic eraser and wipes away all the garbage from years and years of lies, insecurities, and wounds.  nope.  just like any other eraser, when you're trying to erase something thats been written darkly, you can't just erase it completely clean in one swipe.  you need to use your eraser over again.  and again.  and after several rubs of that eraser, the writing - the lies, the insecurities, the deception - all that is finally wiped clean.  but this is a process, a process that He started a month ago, and i know that i can't let a few "down" days defeat me and give me Alzheimer's when it comes to the overall picture of God's sovereign goodness, grace, and love. 

anyway, i met with anna for leaders' accountability thursday night, and i was torn - i wanted to share with her about my feelings of discouragement but at the same time, i felt bad.  when i talk with people, i usually curb how much i share because i "feel bad."  i feel bad that im sharing.  i feel bad that they're listening.  i feel bad that i'm wasting their time.  i know this emotion is irrational and a double standard.  i know, but even still, when it's my turn to share, i get squeamish and uncomfortable, especially when the other party starts to pry, ask questions, and respond.  i feel bad that they're doing all this for me. 

anna knows this about me and that night, she pointed out that this is probably how i am with God.  and while i was literally hiding under the covers, pretending to sleep while she persistently prodded, i couldn't help but agree.  i feel bad receiving.  and similarly, i've only really allowed myself to receive a portion of God's love and ministry.  instead of letting myself bask and simply receive the fullness of His crazy love, i only let myself take in a little before i do all the things that i feel i need to do.  because simply basking and receiving is not okay.  so, like a Martha, i run around and do things.  i meet up with younger sisters.  i go to the meetings.  i pray for people.  and only after i do these things, will i feel comfortable enough, worthy enough to receive just a mere portion of His love.  because i feel bad just receiving - doing nothing but receiving.  i think its partly due to the culture that we live in - we work hard for our rewards; we get what we deserve; all work and no play makes jack a dull boy; early bird gets the worm - everything is about earn earn earn earn earn.  there's no such thing as grace in this world. 

"God's love...it's like a monsoon," anna said to me, while googling images of monsoons on her newly acquired smartphone.   i think she meant to say tsunami due to the subsequent confusion afterwards when she stared at the image results, but i think monsoon is a good fit.   

mon·soon

the season during which the southwest monsoon blows, commonly marked by heavy rains; rainy season.
[dictionary.com]

yes, God's love is like a hurricane.  and it's like a tsunami.  but God's love is also like a monsoon.  right now, its monsoon season.  God is wanting me to receive all of His love.  its continually pouring out on me - its not just one large event - its continuous, its heavy, and its relentless.  His love is all around me, surrounding me, flooding me.  i can't escape it.  im a fool for thinking that i can keep it at bay.  and im a greater fool for wanting to keep it at bay.  all this time, i've been holding this umbrella, trying not to get wet.  but it seems like this particular season of my life is monsoon season, and whether i like it or not, the rain is not going to let up anytime soon, and its up to me to receive it in its full.  to bask and simply receive. 

http://schema-root.org/weather/monsoons/monsoons.jpg

i just wonder how.