more than 2 years ago, esther was a complete stranger to me. when i saw her name on my life group roster 2 years ago, the year after i graduated, i think i got a couple cardiac palpitations. i was nervous and anxious. esther shin? for real, God? ur trying to challenge my insecurities about leading, aren't You? that life group (call of duty) was the first life group that i was officially leading, and i was well aware that i had to fight my insecurities about leading, my people-pleasing tendencies, and my feelings of inadequacy. i remember journaling that i felt like God was going to have me wrestle through my insecurities, and when i saw the roster, when i saw esther's name, my hunch was confirmed. i was super intimidated by esther. from what i observed from a distance, she seemed like this independent and strong girl who didn't hesitate speaking her mind, someone who was put-together, who would judge me, and instantly deem me as unworthy of leading her. i'm so screwed, i remember thinking. how the heck am i going to gain her respect? she's going to think i'm a complete joke, especially in comparison to her past leader, ruth lin, the very sister i myself looked up to. how could i measure up to someone like ruth?
i had to fight through those insecurities, and when i first emailed her to grab coffee at starbucks on south university street 2 years ago, there was a part of me that dreaded that meetup. would she share anything with me? would she be open with me? what did i have to offer her? how many awkward silences would i have to endure? but i remember leaving that first meetup feeling unexpectedly relieved and pleasantly surprised. our conversation had a comfortable flow, and she wasn't the scary girl that i had anticipated. and later that week, she approached me after friday evening service and took initiative to share and ask for prayer. i was floored b/c as an undergrad, i was stubbornly prideful and closed, and i rarely asked people for prayer. i was floored, but i was also thankful. i was thankful because in that one gesture, esther demonstrated to me that she had accepted me as her spiritual authority; she had accepted to seeing me as an older sister. and since then, through 2 years and 2 life groups, God has been chipping away at my insecurities and anxieties and has blessed, grown, and nurtured our relationship into a sisterhood and friendship. who would have thought? who would have thought i would have fallen in love with esther shin?
there were definitely a handful of challenges that i faced in my relationship with her, whether it be specific events in her life or issues of vulnerability. but through it all, even when i was wanting to let go, God pulled me closer to her. i know it was God because we would share countless conversations where God would place this burden and brokenness for her. i didn't want it; i didn't will it. and there were times when i'd pray for her, where my heart was drawn to her and felt for her. words would just spill out because i really think the Holy Spirit was interceding for her in those times. when i reflect on those times, those conversations, the burden for her, the prayers, i know God was truly behind our friendship. there is no other logical explanation. we have nothing in common except for the same heavenly Father. i mean, come on. she's prada, and i'm like target. whether we wanted it or not, God bridged us together.
that last meetup at starbucks was just another reminder of how comfortable i feel with her, how much she has become a significant younger sister, and how much God has grown our friendship. i think God has exponentially grown our relationship this past year, and i feel sad that i have to leave when it seems like our friendship hit some significant breakthroughs. i've wrestled with God about why He would grow a friendship into something special and intimate this year, just to separate us. and i have to admit -- i'm still wrestling. is our friendship more season-specific or is there another lesson that we have yet to learn about sisterhood in the years to come? hmm. i guess i can't beat myself over the head for this, and i should simply remain thankful for this unexpected provision and sister, thankful to God for showing me the beauty and blessings from a solely Christ-birthed, Christ-maintained, and Christ-centered relationship.
met with cathy that monday evening. of course, at our usual starbucks on state street now (i've definitely given starbucks a buttload of business over the years. they owe me a frappuccino named after me or something). oh cathy. i know i have several posts about her already, but that monday was our last meetup, and i told her then, but i'm so amazed and thankful at how much God has also grown our friendship. He has taken us so far since our very first LCG when were in life group together 3 years ago. i remember when she first walked into life group my senior year. i was acting like my usual self, talking loudly at her, acting inane, and i still dont know why she stuck around after that impression or even agreed to be my LCG. but thankfully, she did. :) i remember after that first LCG, i thought this was going to be one of those super-difficult LCGs since she was so closed and so tight-lipped. i think it was through that LCG that i learned to persevere with those infamously closed girls and learned the art of follow-up questions. idk if she knows this, but after every single lcg that year, i left feeling tired. its tiring to have to try to pull out a girl's reflections and vulnerabilities, formulating question after question tailored to not only have her share more but also to have her reflect for herself.
i see the fruits now. three years later, i see the fruits. gradually, i think God opened up her heart, and last year, when we weren't even in the same lg, in that very same starbucks, she started to more honestly and vulnerably share about her thoughts and her struggles. with each meetup, i think we became more comfortable with one another, and i'm so thankful b/c this year, i look back and see the fruits to the seeds that were so painstakingly sown into this relationship 3 years ago. this year, she's become a younger sister who i are about, a younger sister who has poured so much love into my life, a younger sister who has blessed me tremendously. whether through completely unnecessary but lavish gifts, care packages, baked goods, she knew how to make me feel loved. and i view her as genuine friend, someone i am so confident has my back, someone i know i will keep in touch with over the years. i just have a feeling. :) it was God who brought us together 3 years ago, God who grew us and our friendship, and i trust that God will be the one who maintains this budding relationship as well.
afterwards, met with nellie at her apartment for "dessert," which ended up being a feast. nellie's the queen of hospitality. i've never met anyone so hospitable in my entire life. i was imagining a small plate of brownies & a mug of hot chocolate. nope. she set up a crackers with sausage, cheese, tomatoes, and peppers. then, she laid out a plate of warmed pound cake with ice cream, whipped cream, strawberries, and blackberries. and to top it all off, she busted out her fancy-schmancy blooming flower tea.
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| nellie prepping away |
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| the feast before me |
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| the blooming flower tea: before |
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| after! |
when i first met with her here in ann arbor a couple years ago, she was so honest and open about her struggles, and i was blown away. was she really telling me this? wasn't she afraid she was going to "stumble" me? as someone who would religiously dodge any questions regarding herself, i was flabbergasted at her vulnerability. through her honesty, i saw someone who was so secure in Christ. through her honesty, i saw a duaghter who viewed God truly has her Daddy. her prayers and her reflections were so organic -- they still are the most natural, personal, and intimate i've observed from anyone here in ann arbor. she is so real with God, and she really does love with God with all of her heart. she's in her late 20s, and yet, she still loves God like a child, and she's still so in awe of Him like a Daddy's little girl should be.
that monday night, leaving her place, i left with a lot of hope. nellie truly exemplifies a follower of Christ, a woman after God's own heart. and that's where i wanna be when i get to her age. one of my biggest concerns leaving ann arbor is how my spiritual life will fare in the new backdrop. when i think about my time in ann arbor in the spiritual context, the image of a baby in the womb comes to mind (weird i know haha). i was a spiritual infant when i first came to ann arbor. and for the past 6 years, i had this umbilical cord that connected me to hmcc. hmcc was my spiritual home, where i grew, developed my faith, fell in love with God, learned to love people, received spiritual gifts, realized different insecurities and issues, grew spiritual disciples. for 6 years, hmcc fed me these things and nurtured me in a safe and conducive enviroment -- like a baby in a mother's womb. so im worried because now that the umbilical cord is cut, i wonder...am i going to make it? there's a whole new world out there, at least in the spiritual sense. im not going to be living in the middle of an awesome community. im not going to be living with fellow sisters who can keep me accountable and who can pray for me. im not going to be going to a church right across the street from me. im going to be living at home, having to drive for who-knows-how-long to a completely foreign church. im going to be commuting to and from school and living with a family that im realizing now i barely know. i know this transition is going to be rough, and im super anxious.
but meeting with nellie that monday evening was reassuring. she moved from chicago to ann arbor, and she had to find another church. and shes still following Christ. the lessons that she's learned has changed, and how she views and approaches things has shifted over the years, but she's still madly in love with God. and that's what i want. more than all the little details about "religion," i want the same love relationship from when i'm 24 to when i'm 84.
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