4/17: hmm...

palm sunday.  the sermon dealt with forgiveness, covering Luke 7.36-50.  forgiveness has always been something i believed didn't apply to me as much.  i didn't think there were major players to forgive in my life.  i generally approached sermons, bible studies, and seminars on forgiveness with some distance.  forgiveness?  no problem.  i got that down.

but this past sunday, there were two points from pastor seth's message that woke me up from my naivete.

1) the pharisee has a field day over the sinful woman at Jesus' feet.  at the sight of the sinful woman, the pharisee was not able to recognize his own sinfulness.  man.  i can be such a pharisee.  there was one night recently (actually from sunday night) when a couple of my roomies and i were talking in the living room.  it was the usual scene: we were strewn across the living room with our laptops in tow, simply conversing about the day.  one of my roomies was merely stating something that she and this other brother were going to commit to for passion week, and instinctively, without thinking, i expressed my skepticism over this guy.  and she said something along the lines of, "lisa, it's going to be a long time before [this guy] is going to be fully redeemed in your eyes" aka not going to happen before i leave.  i'd be straight-up delusional if i disagreed with her.

there was a time when there was a lot of hurt and bitterness regarding some of the things that had happened back in undergrad.  and there was a time when i really held it against these guys.  and i'd think, "Jesus, i'm the one who needs to forgive.  i'm the one who got wronged."  over time, i've understood how messed-up, proud, and blind my attitude was.  i see now that holding anything against these guys was a sin in itself, and that secretly bearing grudges was an equal, if not greater, sin.  these are all realizations i've made that has helped me repent and forgive.  but most importantly, these realizations helped me see my own sin and understand that there's no justification in bitterness.  God makes all things new and His is a plan of redemption.  why the heck would i get in the way of that?

but i have to fight for that perspective.  maybe i should ask someone about the validity of this, but i think forgiveness is a process.  its not like one day you feel angry and hurt by someone, and then all of a sudden the next day, you're all lovey-dovey with him/her.  its not like after one sermon or one prayer, u just want to bend over backwards for this person.  its a process.  yes, that one sermon or that one prayer can propel me to repentance and guide me in the right direction, but as for forgiveness -- this huge and all-encompassing display of grace, an act so irrational, so nonsensical to the human rationale, a fairly mind-boggling concept -- is a whole other ball game.  forgiveness is not an acute process.  its gotta be chronic.  the people i believe i've forgiven in my life, i think i have truly forgiven them.  i don't doubt that anymore, especially after the healing work God started in chile and after the brutal recognition of my own judgmental sin.  i've forgiven them, but i have to continually fight and pray for that forgiving perspective.  which brings me to...

2) i think i have to forgive my uncle.  i've never really sat and thought about what he did to me until this past year.  that dark time in my childhood was something i never wanted to revisit.  it was uncomfortable and the memories really hurt.  so the first time i thought about how it affected me was last summer when my spring/summer life group decided to share life stories.  i recognized that he was clearly a significant figure in my childhood, but i hadn't connected the dots yet.  the second time i thought about him again was after returning from chile missions, when God graciously connected all the dots for me, allowing me to see that his harsh and degrading verbal abuse had played a huge role in a lot of the insecurities i struggled with throughout my life.  his vilification of me planted such a horrible lie in my heart, made me question my worth in the eyes of men, a question that birthed the debilitating insecurities that haunted me throughout my high school and undergrad years.

its strange to think because it seems so obvious, but this past sunday's service was the first time i realized i had to forgive my uncle.  i have to forgive him.  i think i hadn't really thought about that concept before b/c i didn't really want to reflect on that time in general.  but sitting there in church this past sunday, God brought him to my mind, and how uncomfortable i felt sitting in the sanctuary of God just by thinking about him was a searing wake-up call.

went to the hosanna service held at michigan theater with all the washtenaw county churches.  this was the first hosanna i went to during my time here in ann arbor, and im glad that one of my roomies woke me up from my nap in time for me to go this year. 

saw p.seth sitting a few rows ahead!

im glad i went.  it was a completely different experience from what i've been used to with HMCC as i was worshiping alongside complete strangers.  it felt different, and yet, it was completely fine and actually fairly refreshing.  in addition, i was humbled as i worshiped with adults decades older than me, adults who clearly have so many more years of serving and loving the Lord behind them.  for example, there were two elderly women in front of me (one was in a wheelchair), and their hands were so earnestly raised during the worship songs.  though i didn't even see their faces, these two women inspired me; that's who i want to be in the future.  when i'm old and frail, i still want to be able to worship God just as passionately as i did when i was in undergrad.  even when i'm confined to a wheelchair, even after i've lost steady motor function in my lower extremities, i still want to be able to worship God with all that i am.  i know its a lot to ask, but God, would You please keep me in this relationship with You?  im afraid that how i feel about You right now will fade.  i've seen so many people fall away from you after a short season of spiritual intensity.  im well aware of the weakness of my flesh, and i know that i am just as prone to wander as anyone.  one thing i ask of You, Lord, the thing i seek most, is to live in Your house all the days of my life.  not just during my youth, but every day stretching into the day i breathe my last. 

after hosanna, had dinner with some peeps at sadako, including a visiting splinter and her new man friend!

i was definitely excited to see ruth.  i admire her so much.  i blogged about her earlier, but in a nutshell, she's someone who showed me so much love while i was in undergrad, someone i learned to trust, someone who was there to listen and pray for me, but also someone whose life inspired and continues to inspire me.  i appreciate her for so many reasons, reasons cited in that earlier post.  though i look up to her, she's always made me feel comfortable and loved, never treating me like some immature kid.  she's stretched and challenged me as a person and Christ-follower in the way she lives her own life.  she represents a formidable part of my undergrad years. 

i think time and distance has really elevated her in my eyes.  they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and i see this particularly with ruth.  i think i started to idealize her b/c she wasn't physically around these past 2 years.  all her qualities and strengths were further highlighted.  she became this high memory.  when i would refer to her, i would recount stories with a ridiculously rosy retrospection.  

though ruth has visited several times since she left ann arbor 2 years ago, my idealization of her only finally broke during this past visit.  idk why but seeing her with a guy was...idk...i guess it humanized her.  not that being with a guy automatically translates into our human flesh (haha), but i guess there's something about the opposite sex that delves and brings out the fundamental "human" in us.  before, ruth was an untouchable saint in my eyes.  but this past sunday, seeing her with a guy, my eyes were opened, and i saw that she was just a person.  she was like any other person with very human needs and desires, including the need for human affection and love.  there was a wall that broke that night, a very necessary shattering that i'm grateful occurred.  although that respect and admiration for her still remains, she isn't an idealized image anymore.

coming back from sunday's dinner clad with a changed (for the better) perception of splinter brought on a slew of questions:  what does it mean to have a discipler?  what does it mean to be discipled by someone?  is ruth technically still discipling me?  what role does she play in my life now?  what is our relationship now?  how does she view me?   hmm.  my view of her, based on the past, has changed.  we're both now very different people from 2 years ago.  so what does that mean for the future?

hmm. 

at amber's after dinner