with the help of daveed's cheery phone call, i was able to get up friday morning and finally make it morning prayer. yay! i felt almost awkward coming back into the church basement, but once i got settled in the corner, once i started reading the Word and bending down to pray, it felt so good. it felt good to come back to God. it felt good to wrestle with Him. idk. yesterday morning i felt like i was really wrestling with Him, honestly coming before Him, confessing my sin, refusing to leave until i felt bathed in His forgiveness and grace. it felt so good to be in His presence again. thank You, Jesus. thank You because truly it's Your kindness that leads us to repentance and by Your sweet mercies we're able to start anew.
friday was a good day. it was a good day because God gave me a renewed perspective and thankfully, matured my attitude about my faith and my relationship with Him. as i stated in an earlier post, i see now that this past week of struggle was a demonstration of God's love for me. it was God's way of stretching my faith and growing my relationship with Him. i was content with my relationship and content with the level of intimacy i had with Him this past month, foolishly believing there was nothing better. but God - because He loves me so much - He wanted me to see that there was something infinitely better. He wanted me to see that for the rest of my life, there will always be a greater love and a greater intimacy i can have with Him. there is no roof. i was content, but He wasn't. while i was basking in a relationship and intimacy that i thought was awesome, God was wanting more and more. He wanted my "chicken nugget" faith to get upgraded up to "filet mignon," and what better way to grow His child than through trials and challenges?
what better way to stretch my faith than for me to love God in the hard times with the same fervor and passion as i had in the good times? that's the test of true love, isn't it? its easy to love when things are fine and dandy, when things are easy and good. but to love God equally, in a greater volume and to greater depths, when life seems to be crumbling -- Job's love -- that's true love. and what God wants from me is true love. loving God when life is awesome is honeymoon love. loving God when things are tough - that's true love.
the thing is, God is good in both the sunny days and cloudy days. God is awesome, mighty, loving, merciful, compassionate, majestic, etc regardless of my circumstance. He is the same. He was, is, and is to come. if i really loved God -- like really really really loved Him -- how could my love for Him change if He's always the same?
lisa, sometimes your sight is so small and narrow. all you see is your struggle, when life simply comes down to God. life is all about God. i was listening to "You are God alone" on friday while walking to various meetings, and the chorus really spoke to me - the lyrics rebuked me and reassured me at the same time. interestingly enough, we sang this song in ACCESS that evening as well.
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
exactement. its all about God. doesn't matter whether or not im having a good or bad time. God is King and sovereign always. that's all that matters. God is God. and God is good.
im so thankful for this past week. im thankful b/c through the struggles, God stretched and grew my faith. He challenged me to love Him with a true love and to strive for a godly perspective. He challenged me to just love Him for who He is, for He will always be, no matter what the circumstance. thank You, Jesus for opening my eyes to see that i was loving you with a honeymoon love. thank You, Lord for allowing me to from here on out, strive to love you with true love.
idk why but God, You always bring me back to You. im so thankful. i seriously don't deserve Your kindness that not only leads me to repentance but grows my relationship with You, which truly is the greatest gem of my life. i love You, God. thank You. i don't deserve this relationship with You, and i'll never understand why You chose me to enter into this relationship with You, but right now, i'm so thankful, so in awe, and so completely overwhelmed by the complexity of Your Father's love.
let's see...other than a new perspective and renewed heart...friday was packed with meetings, but all meetings i'm grateful to say were fruitful. there is such a huge difference when you pray about the meeting and the person prior to the actual meeting.
met with esther first in the early afternoon. i feel like our relationship has been steadily growing to a more comfortable level this past year, especially this past semester, with an ever-so-slightly increasing vulnerability between the two of us. it gets me excited b/c i really feel as though i'm on the cusp of something with her. i know that vulnerability is something that is a work in progress for the both of us, and after almost 2 years of life group together, i feel like she is finally just starting to be simply and completely herself with me. no guises. no polite introductions. no tip-toeing. the beginnings of just-as-she-is. i guess what makes me sad is that just as i feel like i'm finally reaching somewhat of a breakthrough, i'm leaving. argh! sitting across from her, listening to her converse casually, watching her be herself, remembering our very first meetup at starbucks over a year ago when were both cautiously and carefully sharing (or more like filtering) with one another, i felt twinges of regret for not being able to follow through on the beginnings of this blooming friendship. it makes me a little sad, but i know i need to trust that the part and roles we played in each other's lives was sovereign for these past 2 particular years. i need to trust that God put the both of us in each other's lives purposefully for this specific time period. and i need to surrender the future of our friendship unto the very God who started and grew it in the first place.
met with jenny-tan afterwards. it was kinda funny watching her interact with her roomies....i felt like i was seeing a different side of her or something. its kinda funny....as she was sharing about what was going on in her life, her different convictions and commitments about her family and her ministry, and personal revelations, i kept thinking, "aww...she's all grown up!" haha....it sounds a bit pretentious, but i mean those words with complete love. we've been a part of each other's lives - both good times and bad - for the past 5 years, and in those years, we've also, whether we liked it or not, been a part of each other's spiritual walks as well. we've not only shared different struggles, but we've witnessed one another go through these trials too. and to hear jenny talk about personal realizations God was giving her in the midst of doubt and worry was awesome because it demonstrated to me that jenny truly does have a working, sovereign, and central relationship with God that is not dependent on a person or an institution. thats essentially what i've always wanted for her -- for her to have her very own personal and intimate relationship and connection with God regardless of older sisters or the church name she was affiliated with. also, seeing her live out recent convictions challenged and humbled me to investigate my own thoughts regarding my family. and isn't that what Biblical sisterhood is all about? not just a one-way road, but a two-way street of sharpening, accountability, and ministry?
thank You, God, for shaping this relationship into the beautiful and encouraging Biblical sisterhood that it's become. You started it, You maintained it through all the bumps along the road, and as with esther, i surrender the future parts we'll play for each other into Your hands for the coming seasons of our lives.
LCG with rebecca (which was casual and comfortable...maybe a bit too casual now that i think about it) to finish off the friday meetings before heading over to weber's for dinner to celebrate anna's bday. woohoo! apparently, weber's is an ann arbor staple and thus was chosen as the destination. apparently they're known for their prime rib steak.
the setting was nice. there wasn't any of that crazy dim lighting u find at fancy-schmancy restaurants. plenty of natural light, the booths were large and comfortable, the restaurant wasn't too hoighty-toighty, and our server was super friendly. it was a quality restaurant, but pleasantly down-to-earth as well.
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| salmon pate to start us off. per katie's expert orders, we got two more tubs |
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| clam chowder. im more a soup than a salad girl |
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| yes, anna. that is the actual size of the steak |
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| funniest picture of the night. in this moment, there are no jokes being made or amusing chatter. katie is merely smiling at something that no one can quite pinpoint upon retrospection |
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| dive in! |
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| cuz 1 view just isn't enough |
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| me: "what? the server cut the potato in half for us too? dang!" esther: "no, i did." |
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