3/19: i am a blind man, partie deux

oops.  i did it again. 

i squeezed in a little of my QT during TC.  i'm sorry.  i must have some mild case of ADHD or maybe i simply lack self-discipline, but i could not sit still during the joint community/campus leaders time.  so i slipped in a little Bible reading and journaling.

the new testament passage for saturday's BRP was John 9.  i remember reading through that passage several years ago as a college senior and being touched by the passage because i was thinking of my own struggles and bondages at the time, and i had wondered the very same question posed in verse 2: " ' Rabbi,' his disciples asked him, 'why was this man born blind?  Was it because of his own sins or his parents' sins?' "  (NLT).  why was i struggling with feelings of depression, of worthlessness?  why was i struggling with these bondages?  and why was this going on for so long?  why did i feel so trapped?  was it because of me?  b/c i messed up?  did i do something wrong?  why, God?  why?!

" 'It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins,' Jesus answered.  'This happened so the power of God could be seen in him' " (John 9.3, NLT).  i remember reading that verse several years ago and being so comforted.  i was going through these struggles so that the power of God could be seen in me.  God would redeem, restore, and heal me to show the fullness of His glory.  my suffering at that time would reveal His power in the future. from the beginning, from this blind man's birth, God had a plan for restoration and healing all along.

i believe that the way Jesus healed each person in the Bible was sovereign and purposeful.  if this blind man gets his own passage in the Gospel of John, then his case is no different.  maybe i'm looking too much into this, but is this not the ultimate symbol of God - Christ's death and resurrection, the washing away of all our sins?  for me, the mud and dirt on the man's eyes represents the man's sin.  "....For dust you are and to dust you will return" (Genesis 3.19b, NIV).  Our flesh = ground.  and by putting this mud and dirt on the man's eyes, Jesus brings to the light the man's sin.  the reality of his sin is before the guy.  and then, in verse 7a, Jesus instructs the man to go wash himself in the pool of Siloam, and after he washes himself, after the dirt and mud are washed away, the man can see.  The sin was completely washed away.  is that not the ultimate power of God -- the complete washing away of our sins?  i think this is the "power of God" that is seen in the blind man that Jesus is referring to in verse 3.  not just the power of a miraculous healing, but the power of the miraculous healing over our sin and our old selves. 

and the awesome thing about this passage is that after the blind man was healed, the people -- his own neighbors and acquaintances -- could not recognize him:

"His neighbors and others who knew him as a blind beggar asked each other, 'Isn't this the man who used to sit and beg?'  Some said he was, and others said, 'No, he just looks like him!'  But the beggar kept saying, 'Yes, I am the same one!' " (John 9.8-9, NLT). 

this man wasn't simply healed from his blindness.  he was completely transformed.  he was so transformed that people couldn't recognize the new him. 

in an earlier post, i wrote about the blind man Jesus healed in Mark 8.22-25, a passage that really resonated with me and a passage that i related with.  once again, i find myself connecting and relating with this other blind man.  coming here to ann arbor almost 6 years ago, God's plan had always been a plan of restoration and healing.  when God broke and humbled me, He was putting the mud on my eyes and bringing to light the dirtiness of my sin -- my self-glory, my insecurities, my people-pleasing, my hunger for the love and accolades of people, my selfishness, my pride, etc.  and then, He washed me clean.  all those years of bondage revealed to me the depravity of my sin, brought me closer to God, brought me into a love relationship with Christ.  and i went to the pool of siloam and i washed myself.  and now, i can see.  i see what really matters.  i see the beauty and glory of God.  i see that God is worthy of my life.  i see the love and grace of God.  i see that i need to be less and that Christ must greater.  i see that all of life comes down to knowing and loving God more.  i see that eternal investments are where it's really at.  i see that the greatest treasure is a love relationship with God.  now, i see. 

i see.  who i was as a freshman many years ago is so different from who i am now.  i hope and pray that my friends and family from back home will see that as well when i return home next month.  and i hope that they won't be able to recognize this new me.  

"what are doing here at 8 am on a saturday morning?"

3/18: te amo, mi Rey//je t'aime, mon Seigneur//ich liebe dich, mein Herr

i love You, God.  thank You for saving me.  thank You for inviting me to have a love relationship with You.  idk why You chose me, especially when i've been so disobedient and self-centered all these years.  but You remained faithful and You pursued me.  i don't think i'll be able to ever understand Your love for me, but im thankful regardless.  i hope that by Your grace, You will let me be someone who will follow You until the end of days.

thank You, God for the spiritual community that i was able to find here in ann arbor.  now i see that when You brought me to ann arbor, it wasn't simply for a degree, but it was so i could experience You and enter into a deeper love relationship with You.  im thankful because through HMCC, through life groups, through sisters, through missions, through mentors, through ministry, i have experienced You and Your goodness.

im thankful for life group this year and how You've been growing this group, a growth that can only be attributed to Your grace.  at the beginning, we were an awkward group of strangers, and i had thought, "how the heck are we gonna come together?"  but by Your sovereign power and grace, we have shared in salvation, seen transformation, and experienced community.  these guys are like family to me.

started the morning off with life group morning prayer and "physical training" in preparation for our life group "missions experience" aka Detroit Partnership Day.  i was so encouraged to see many of the members come out to morning prayer and endure through physical training.

mobile upload #1: a glimpse of physical training -- clearly someone was really enjoying the pushups

had breakfast afterwards.  at life group this past wednesday, the senior girls said they wanted to bless the life group with breakfast.

mobile upload #2: frontline ladies

later, as the delicious food -- a ridiculously delicious french toast, fancy muffins, plump sausages, thick-cut bacon, super fluffy scrambled eggs, luscious strawberries -- was being put on the coffee table, i found out that this breakfast was actually a surprise birthday breakfast for me.  man...i was totally not expecting this from them.  at all.  after all the creamings in the past and b/c all my previous life groups have been crazy loud ones (blind side is the first non-crazy-loud-obnoxious life group i've been a part of since my freshman year), the last thing i was expecting was a super-sweet surprise breakfast. 

mobile upload #3: homemade muffins with crumble on top

mobile upload #4: "best way to start off your bday is with God and with your spiritual family," i said to them.  they responded by telling me i was being corny.  they didn't understand that i really meant it.  :)

God, im so thankful for Blind Side this year.  im thankful for every single member and for the privilege to be able to serve them and witness Your power in their lives.

thank You, God for giving me the time and space to spend the afternoon with You.  thank You, God for providing for me financially through the scribe job i had this year.  even though i was owned by some of the shift times, im now able to bask in this month off being fully financially provided for due to all the overtime and holiday shifts.  im thankful that i was able to have the opportunity to spend a beautifully sunny afternoon, enjoying the city of ann arbor with You.

erste: zingerman's deli, a unique-to-ann arbor establishment for some free bagels.

nächste: teahaus in kerrytown for a free tea.  what an interesting establishment.  the tea baristas were dressed in suits and instead of the indie acoustic music i was expecting to hear upon entering, i heard classical opera. 

pineapple mango iced tea upon recommendation

on to schakolad chocolate factory for 2 free truffles.

Italian amaretto & Dark ganache truffles

 prochaine: the cupcake station

free cupcake: "Station's Samoa" - vanilla bean cake filled with buttercream, frosted with buttercream and topped with toasted coconut, caramel, and dark chocolate

siguiente: starbucks.  my fave drink there is their green tea latte, but i was gonna milk that free beverage as much as i could.  per both baristas' suggestions: 

venti peppermint mocha with soy milk & extra whipped cream

i really treasure my "alone" times.  idk.  i think people assume i'm an extrovert and that i love being around people, but in reality, im actually an introvert, and i actually really dislike being around people.  i hate going out or even just attending mass hangouts.  i treasure my times alone.  i treasure the times i can have in my room or when no one else is in the apt.  when most of my roomies were gone this past winter break, i loved it.  i loved having the whole place to myself.  while i was in undergrad, i rarely went home for thanksgiving break because the thought of having the whole dorm room to myself for a couple days was beyond appealing.  after life groups or meetings, i don't like to get rides or like to get walked home, not because im trying not to be a "burden" or because im this amazonian feminist -- i simply just like to be alone.  i like listening to music, getting lost in my thoughts, walking back in the quietness.  so even though there was the option of eating lunch with friends, i was thankful that i could spend an afternoon, alone, with God.  i appreciated the peace, stillness, and quietness of that time.

im thankful for the sisters in my class and the beautiful friendships that God has given me.  im so thankful.  i remember sitting in my room my freshman year, praying for Biblical sisterhoods.  im so thankful that 5 years later, God is still continuing to answer that prayer.  im so thankful for each and everyone of these sisters.  i was told by them to reserve sunday night to celebrate both mine and katie's bday, and i know that these girls have planned something out of love for the both of us.  im thankful that i have peer friends here who are thoughtfully planning out something that is so unnecessary simply just to bless both me and katie.  im thankful because this coming planned sunday dinner is not just an obligatory event but something that they are putting effort and planning into to give us joy.  im thankful because just being with these girls this past year has been one of the biggest blessings of my life, and honestly, just being with them would have been more than enough.  

im thankful for ann arbor.  i'm thankful for this quiet and safe college town where i was able to experience community.  im thankful for such a friendly and student-conducive campus.  im thankful for the amicable atmosphere.  im thankful for the late-night eateries.  im thankful because ann arbor introduced me to bubble tea, to pho, to no thai, to starbucks, to tea lattes, to frozen yogurt, to jimmy john's, to gelato, to burritos.  im thankful for this small, quirky, and indie college town.

hence, for dinner, though the prospect of 1/2 off at a main street restaurant was enticing, i went to seva instead because a vegetarian restaurant with gluten-free menu options has ann arbor written all over it

seva's bestseller: "Enchiladas Calabaza" - enchiladas filled with a sweet potato, cream cheese, green onion, and cinnamon filling.  i was surprised at how good it was.  maybe going vegetarian isn't as painful as i thought.

im thankful for desserts.  seriously.  they are truly a gift from God.  i don't get how guys can be so nonchalant about sweets.

free Ben & Jerry's cone!  went for the always reliable plain old vanilla

im thankful for all the friday night services i've attended where i've met You, where You've comforted me, where i was able to cry through my struggles, where i've learned more about life's greater purpose, where You've taught me how to pray, where You've taught me how to interceed.  this past friday night's service was particularly good b/c we had a guest speaker - Pastor David Washington - and his sermon and preaching style were really refreshing.  he preached on joshua 3, and i was riveted to every one of his words.  there weren't any zone-outs or random journaling sessions during this sermon.  i was focused on every sentence that came out of Pastor Washington's mouth. 

P. Seth giving the announcements at this past friday's All-Church Worship Service

some major points to take away from the sermon --

Father, help me to let You lead and follow You when it comes to this next season of my life.  don't let me jump the gun - i want Your presence to go before me.  God, im thankful because through the challenges of these past 6 years here, You've been preparing me and refining me for this next chapter, setting me apart, training, and consecrating me for what's ahead.  but until then, i pray that i will stay in my lane and remain focused and faithful with the things you've called me to steward here so that i can sprint to the finish line come May.

im thankful to have peers still here in ann arbor who are all in the same life stage and in the same ministry.  im realizing how special it is to have brothers and sisters who are on the same page as you when it comes to following Christ and serving the church.  i know there will be many people i will meet around my age when i leave, but to be surrounded by peers who share a similar lifestyle and heart for people -- i think that's pretty rare.  most of us are single adults and working, in transit to our careers, serving in undergrad ministry, ministering and mentoring and praying for students almost 5 years younger than us.  most of us are going through similar struggles, similar doubts, similar challenges.  i dont think i realized this before (and i wish i maximized on this more these past several years out of college), but underlying everything, there is a common understanding among us because we're serving in such similar ministries.  i think that shared physical, spiritual, and emotional setting is so rare for peers.

after friday service, the undergrads had their "class night," so our class spent some rare time together.  stopped by lab for sweets, then 7-11, then amer's before heading over to my place to watch "gone baby gone," before eventually getting kicked out by the HMCC of chicago girls sleeping over at our place and having to transfer over to the guys' place, where we spent close to an hour trying to continue watching the movie b/c the guys have a nonfunctioning and defective DVD player, the solution to which was lugging over our DVD player to their place. 

macaroons at lab.  new discovery: macaroons may just be one of the best cookies on this earth

what?!?!  a pistachio-flavored froyo?  its like God knew i was coming in that night....

diesel at lab

movie time

God, im so thankful for Your presence in my life.  im so thankful to have this relationship with You.  im so thankful that You are my life.  im so thankful You gave me new life here.  im so thankful for the community that surrounds me.  im so thankful for Your every good and perfect gift.  i love You, God.  i hope and pray that i will be able to spend the rest of my life falling deeper in love with You.  may i have the privilege of remaining Your loving follower and disciple all the days of my life.

oh and on a more superficial note, b/c i just can't resist when it comes to movies...my fave lines of "gone baby gone:"

Patrick: All right. Dave, right?
Big Dave: Big Dave.
Patrick: Big Dave. All right. I'm Medium Patrick. Nice to meet you.

Capt. Jack Doyle:....You could do a right thing here. A good thing. Men live their whole lives without getting this chance. You walk away from it, you may not regret it when you get home. You may not regret it for a year, but when you get to where I am, I promise you, you will. I'll be dead, you'll be old. But she'll be dragging around a couple of tattered, damaged children of her own, and you'll be the one who has to tell them you're sorry. 

Patrick: Cheese, if you ever disrespect her again like that, I'm gonna pull your f*ckin' card, okay? So you're saying you didn't do it, fine. We'll take your money, and we'll be on our way. When it turns out you're lying, I'm gonna spend every nickel of that money to f*ck you up. I'm gonna bribe cops to go after you, I'm gonna pay guys to go after your weak f*ckin' crew, and I'm gonna tell all the guys I know that you're a C.I. and a rat, and I know a lot of people. And after that, you're gonna wish you listened to me, 'cause your sh*tty pool hall crime syndicate headquarters is gonna get raided, and your doped-up b*tches are gonna get sent back to Laos, and this f*ckin' retard right here is gonna be testifying against you for a reduced sentence, while you're gettin' cornholed in your cell by a gang of crackers. 'Cause from what I've heard, the guys that get sent up Concord for killing kids, life's a motherf*cker.

3/17: first sabbath

i set a commitment to have weekly "sabbaths" during lent, and yesterday was the first of these sabbaths.

man.  i should have done this more often back in undergrad.

what am i hoping these "sabbaths" will look like?  instead of piling back-to-back meetings in the evening, one after the other, i left thursday as a blank page on my google calendar (save for one event.  baby steps).  what to do?  i was so excited for my sabbath -- i felt like i was going on a mini-retreat or something.

went down to main street.  the weather was ridiculously nice.

went inside that fancy-schmancy espresso royale on main street with its high ceilings and red-velvet covered chairs (seriously?) and treated myself to some sweet treats.  mmm. 

plain cake and maple-glazed doughnut

with a watery chai tea latte

after journaling, doing some reading, and listening to a francis chan sermon (i couldn't resist!), i headed back home for partie deux.  i felt like a little kid on her first retreat.

back at home, i took up the guitar i've been borrowing from jenny and strummed away.  i can only play a couple chords, but in the safety of my room, my lack of skill doesn't matter.  it's just me and God in my own personal sanctuary.

it was so nice to have that evening off, relax, and have this date with God.  i feel like after a whole week of the craziness of life, it's nice to take that breath, to not have deadlines or time restrictions and just simply enjoy the moments with my Heavenly Father.

afterwards, i was visited by two sisters for an early birthday visit, which was a part of many early bday blessings i received that thursday.  all of these early blessings reminded me of God's love -- im so thankful for all the friends and family that He's showered me with over the years.

the first of these pre-bday blessings: daveed's handcrafted card!  in green!  :)  i think i was especially touched that he didn't just buy a card, but made one because 1) he's a marine, and i can't really imagine a marine stooping over craft glue and block letters 2) the very thought of him assembling the card truly demonstrates to me that he cares about our friendship and that yes, i am important to him.  yay for surprising friendships!  who knew the marine who once nearly suffocated me would become such a consistent source of God's love?  

topped with the seal of the marine corps

blessing deux: im thankful for my family.  i think i take for granted how blessed i am to have parents who never forget my birthday and who have always supported me.  i have never once felt unappreciated or unsupported by my parents.  even though i may have wondered about their love for me when i was younger, now i see their love, care, and support.  even their endearing grammatically incorrect english messages on extravagant bday cards show me the love that's been in their hearts all of my life: "thanks to God for daughter so beautiful and love like angel.  happy days and miss you." 

im thankful for my brother.  being here in ann arbor has definitely changed our relationship over the years, and i feel so bad for how much i've hurt him for all the times and holidays i didn't come home, for all the times i failed to show my love and appreciation for him while i was here in ann arbor.  its crazy how i was so committed and so hardcore about the people here in ann arbor, but when it came to my own little brother, i could barely give him a call once a semester.  his continual support of me and the very thoughtful gifts he's given me year after year really humbles me.  he's one of the best guys i know, and i hope that one day, he will be a man who will believe in Jesus Christ and follow after Him too.  

only dennis would know that i love tolkien.  only he would know of my past love for fantasy novels

blessing trois: im thankful for friendships outside of ann arbor, friendships God has strengthened over the years despite time and distance.  friendships like the one i have with susan.  i truly believe God is the hand behind our friendship - the way that we met back in high school as freshmen, the way that He has maintained it despite time and distance, the way that we always seem to be going through similar spiritual struggles and situations at the same time, the way that He has strengthened our friendship behind the scenes.  im so thankful to have her, and im thankful that i have a friend back at home in chicago who i can look to as a sister for accountability and ministry as we strive to find a spiritual home together. 

thankful for the sister who's known me since my high school years...and knows my continual love for food.  how'd she know barefoot contessa is one of the few shows i respect on the food network?

im thankful for surprise early bday visits.  two younger sisters came thursday night to wish me early bday wishes, and i was so touched.  these are two particular sisters who have always lavished so much love on me.  and when i say lavished, i mean a completely generous, oveflowing, abundant, and completely undeserved love.  im always so surprised at their gestures, and their displays of extravagant love really do point to God's love for me.  im so thankful that God uses people to tangibly demonstrate a mere glimpse of the crazy indescribable vastness of His love.

baby mums from cathy!

and if that wasn't enough from martha stewart, a delicious cranberry cake that was completely devoured.  mmm.

green polo from carol.  "you don't really have nice clothes, lisa," she said to me that night on my apt steps.  haha.  this is true.  "i have five of them," she said.

after these pre-bday happenings, i was just really thankful to God.  its crazy how much favor and blessing God has poured onto my life with my family and friends, and i decided that night that on my actual bday the one "person" i needed to celebrate my birthday with was God.  beyond all the free meals to be shared with people, there was no way i was gonna shaft the one behind all the years of blessings, all the years of His perfect and sovereign provisions, and all the years of His perfect love.

God, this year, i want my birthday to be a love letter to You. 

3/16: the Good Shepherd

im so thankful because God makes all things new.  the dross from yesterday doesn't carry on over to the next day.  His mercies are new and fresh every single day. 

wednesday was a new day.  it was a new and beautiful day.

it was good for me to come back to God yesterday at morning prayer.  even though tuesday was such a "fail" day, being in His presence, asking for forgiveness, and repenting this morning reminded me that God truly does make all things new.  wednesday was going to be a day full of his fresh, new mercies.  idk...i think it was just good to return to God and remember that His grace meter never dips below extravagantly abundant.  and remembering His grace, receiving His grace, and reveling in His grace -- that's one of the best ways to start the morning.  no cup of joe or crossword can beat that.

i really do think that how you start your day colors the rest of the day.  and yesterday was one of the bright yellow, lemony days.

met with gabby before life group.  it's been a while, but i'm thankful because just like the spring/summer, God's been with us when we meet.  i remember thinking at the beginning of this past spring/summer that i probably wouldn't gel very well with her.  and because gabby wasn't my LCG in our life group, i didn't really think that we would get to know each other that well.  i also didn't think that she would warm up to me.  assumptions are definitely one of my biggest character flaws.  time and time again, God humbles me in my assumptions and predictions for certain relationships.  by this time, i know for certain that i'd be a terrible matchmaker.

during our conversation, God reminded me how He really is the shepherd over our lives.  hearing about gabby's past semester was awesome because i saw how much God had grown her since the summer.  idk if she realizes this, but the way that she thinks and reasons is so different from last year.  through all these months, without the direct guidance of anyone (which really does go to show the change was solely due to God), her thoughts have become more and more centered on Christ.  i was sitting there, mostly just grinning because yea, idk...i was thankful that we worship the God that we do.  He really does look out for us.  when our past life group leaders move on to new life groups, when our "older sisters" get swept in new seasons and chapters, God is always there.  He is always constant.  He is always loving us, wanting to grow us, wanting us to know him more.  He really is the perfect shepherd.

now that im reflecting on yesterday, i think that conversation with gabby was a seamless transition into the blessings of life group that night.  to be honest, for these past several days, i've been struggling with my insecurities as a life group leader.  even though spring break was a really good time for those who went, most of the group didn't go with us to chicago, so we were coming from all over the place when we all returned.  and i was frustrated because the scatteredness reflected a spiritual scatteredness.  we were all over the place.  some of us were crazy growing and blessing the group.  but there were others who were falling back on spiritual commitments that were made at the beginning of the new year.  despite the rebuke and exhortation given last week and despite feeling unapologetic for a couple days about the possible severity of my tone with the members, the insecurities slowly crept back into my heart these past couple days.  was it because of me?  was there something i just wasn't doing right as a leader?  was that why some of these guys were so lukewarm?  maybe i wasn't being hard enough.  or maybe i was being too harsh and causing bitterness.  idk.

usually i try to get Bible studies and a life group flow out by tuesday evening at the latest.  but i think these sneaky insecurities were gnawing at me, and i made up a flow for the night just several hours before life group started.  and it wasn't even a flow that i was really praying through and thinking hard about.  i was waiting at a clinic for my physical examination, and because there were only business magazines scattered on the table before me, and because the time interval before life group was shortening with every tick of the clock, i outlined the flow for the night off the top of my head.  and without looking over it twice (as i usually do), i closed my journal and found a "Better Homes and Gardens" buried beneath a newspaper to peruse.

so while walking to life group yesterday evening, i felt those insecurities gnawing at me again.  and then, in my mp3 player, chris tomlin croons "i need you."  man.  the words represented exactly how i felt.  the song took the words right out of my mouth and right out of my heart:

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

"our life group needs You, God.  we need You tonight, God.  we need You."

and if that wasn't enough, the next song that plays as i near carriage house is "Lead Me" by sanctus real.  when i first heard this song a while back, i almost cried driving back from work because i was thinking about this song in the context of leading life group.  its the bridge onward that always gets to me.

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

i almost did cry as i was climbing up the stairs.  like "i need you," this song was the prayer that i could not utter myself.  it was the prayer that i was so afraid to face these past several days.  it was the prayer that i was so afraid to utter.  but it was so true.  the bridge of "lead me" became my prayer as i walked up the stairs to the third floor of carriage house.

and the most amazing thing happened.  as i was walking up to david's apt door, God filled me with so much peace.  all the anxieties and worries and doubts - like a parting curtain, they just faded away.  and as i stepped into david's apt, idk...i was just happy to be there.  there was so much peace in my heart, a peace that God affirmed and strengthened during life group prayer time.

yesterday night was the life group i had been waiting for since coming back from spring break.  i felt like we were springing back.  i felt that community again, i felt that family-like atmosphere, i felt that comfortable air, i felt that love for God and one another again, that commitment to each other again.  yes!  finally!  idk...i can't really describe it, but yesterday night was the return of the family that God had been building since the beginning of the new year.  i was so encouraged by the end of the night.  once again, i was reminded that God is the leader of this life group and that Christ truly is our one and only Good Shepherd.

"I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.  The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep....I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep" (John 10.11-12a, 14-15).

bday red velvet cupcakes with homemade cream cheese frosting courtesy of miss esther.  yum.

happy :)

3/15: first and last

overslept for morning prayer on tuesday.  UGH.  i think the thing that really bothers me was that i heard my alarm, and i woke up, but i blatantly decided not to go b/c i felt "too tired."

interestingly enough, tuesday was a pretty unproductive and lazy day, a stark contrast to the past week of days that all began with morning prayer.  hmm.  conexión interesante.  at the end of the day, i decided that tuesday morning was not only the first but it would be the absolute last day i'd miss morning prayer during lent.  absolute last. 

yet, i think it was good for me to miss it b/c at day's end, i saw the weakness of my flesh and how much i really do need God at the beginning of each day.  i need God.  i need Him every hour.  i need Him not just during the active afternoon, but also in the wee hours of the morning.  i need Him.  in a way, im thankful that tuesday morning's "failure" occurred b/c the manifestation of my flesh in the form of laziness allowed me to see how desperately, radically, and uncompromisingly i need to seek God.  guarding my intimacy with God and growing in my relationship with Him is the only way to finish strong.

one straightforward praise for tuesday: dinner with a particular life group sister.  i tried all new recipes again.  the chicken and veggies were fine, but the carrot latkes were such a waste.  another first and last from the day.

"Oven Roasted Chicken Thighs with Potatoes and Carrots" and "Gingered Carrot Latkes"

im thankful because God answers prayers, and He answers in His sovereign timing.  i've been praying for God to bring peace and reconciliation between me and this particular sister for almost 6-7 months.  in the beginning, i was hoping God would answer my prayer faster, but God is sovereign and i see now that the elongated span of time was necessary for the both of us.  im thankful that God gave me peace and surrender during the months of waiting, and im thankful that God truly did bring complete understanding and union between us again.  all in His sovereign timing.  thank You, God.  you're always listening and you always know what's best.

3/14: encouragements galore

ugh.  movies are totally my weakness.  monday afternoon, i went up to kroger for this week's groceries, and seeing that huge "everything must go" sign at the blockbuster on plymouth sent my flesh into crazy mode.  at first, i practiced a little self-control, walking instead into the espresso royale next door, but several hours of work and a cup of ruby fruit tea later, i was perusing the disappearing shelves of blockbuster.  $6 for a movie?!  man, did i start grabbing.  by the time i'd made my way around the store, i had 10 DVDs under my arm, and i had to shamefully rebuke myself.  movies, sleep, and sweets.  the trifecta of my flesh.  my personal trio of kryptonite.

it was a hard battle, but i finally eliminated "terminator salvation," "iron man," "bounce," "wanted," "saving private ryan," "memento," and "ever after" and went up to the counter to purchase "emma," "500 days of summer," and "the lake house."  haha.  yes.  i forsook quality action films for a handful of romantic movies.  i guess its the girl in me.  or maybe im nearing that time of month.  whatever the case may be, i now have 2 of my fave movies ("emma" and "500 days") in my arsenal.  glorious.

had dinner with martin monday night.  tried completely new recipes.  i remember making refreshments with him last year in life group, when he was still didn't believe in Christ.  man, he was such a character.  i remember we made yang-nyum chicken, and in commemoration of that epic snack, i decided to make him some "Asian Chicken Wings."

martin stirring the yang nyum chicken sauce 1 year ago (1/30/2010)

our yang nyum chicken 1 year ago

martin...over a year later (3/14/2011)

martin's socks - random and hilarious.  two of many adjectives to describe this kid.

"Asian Chicken Wings" with "Spicy Sesame Noodles" and "Roasted Broccoli with Garlic & Red Pepper"

gosh.  i love this kid.  i love him because when i see him, i see God's crazy love for him.  i always tell martin this now, but i remember when i first met him, i thought he was a complete punk.  in one of our life groups at the beginning, we paired off to share prayer requests and pray for one another, and his prayer request was to "live it up" cuz college was the time to "party it up."  i remember sitting there, speechless, wondering how to respond.  yet, the strange thing was, i felt so burdened for him last year.  my heart was really broken for him.  idk why.  i remember when we were sharing about our fall-semester goals at the beginning of last year, and he responded by saying he wanted to "kill, kill, kill."  even still, my heart just broke for him.  idk.  i hadn't felt that way about a life group member before, and i think God stirred this broken desperation in my heart for him to know Christ.  i remember we would have some life group chapel times with huge chunks of time just praying for him.  i remember at the end of one particular life group chapel time, as we were going around praying for whatever God placed on our hearts, i prayed for martin, and i started crying.  haha...idk why but God placed a huge burden for him in my heart last year.

so when he accepted Christ last year, it was one of the best moments of my life.  i remember getting that call from mike with the news that martin had decided to place his trust in Jesus.  it was incredible.  i can't even describe how i felt in that moment -- there was this incredible joy that overflowed into my heart....idk...it was seriously like...idk like i felt like my heart was "soaring" or something.  after that phone call, i remember climbing into bed that night and just crying.  crying cuz i was so happy with a kind of joy that i'd never felt before.

i've always had a soft spot for him.  there's something about him that just warms my heart up.  its insane.  even after a whole year, seeing him still puts a huge smile on my face.  and even though he's this kid i barely see, i was so excited to share dinner with him on monday b/c yea, i just love him.

dinner was good, though i quickly that sticky chicken wings is probably not the best kind of food to have over a serious conversation.  hearing martin share really humbled and challenged me.  this year hasn't been the easiest for him (as all sophomore slumps are), but it was so encouraging to see him process through the trials and challenges.  it was awesome to see this guy choose to climb back up, knowing that the climb would be an uphill battle that he'd need to persevere through.  i saw a growing maturity in him that reminded me that God is really sovereign in martin's life, and that God is going to continue to guide and lead him into a deeper relationship with Him.  our conversation was also humbling because he was sharing his heart for people "on the outside" and the steps he was taking to invest in them despite all his other commitments -- it was awesome.  just a year ago, he barely knew Jesus.  now, He was demonstrating the love of Jesus Christ to others, a love that some "older" Christians like myself still struggle to practice.  it was amazing.

as i was affirming this quality about him, telling him how difficult it is for certain Christians to love people who are difficult to love, he said, referring to these "difficult-to-love" people, "well you know, that was me once.  and when i think about that, yea."  man.  idk why but that simple statement really touched my heart.  i prolly would have let my eyes water if he wasn't sitting right there in front of me.  gosh.  man, Jesus, thank You so much.  thank You so much for saving martin.  thank You so much for inviting him into this relationship with You.  thank You so much for giving him salvation last year.  thank You so much for taking care of him this year.  thank You so much for watching over him, for teaching him, for guiding him, for correcting him, for growing him, for loving him.  thank You so much.  man, God, thank You so much.  that night, i really saw Your continuing faithfulness and presence in his life, and i know that You will use him for such great things.  You're gonna use him to spread Your love and glory all over this earth.  i just know it.

met with cathy afterwards.  our conversation reminded me of how sovereign God's timing is.  its crazy!  sometimes, God calls us somewhere, and even though we have a general idea why, there's nothing tangible in front of us.  i think that's what it means to live by faith.  and whats awesome about faith-filled actions is that you make ur decision by faith, walking blindfolded, taking Christ by the hand, trusting Him.  and then, later down the road, months later, the specific provisions that affirm your decision, they come pouring through.  its been awesome to see these specific provisions tumble out of God's gracious hands in cathy's life this past year.  i hope that in the midst of all that is going on in her life, amidst all the craziness, she can really see how sovereign and wonderful God's provisions have been for her thus far.  and i hope that reflecting on these provisions will give her peace.  peace in knowing that one decision that we make is just a small wave in the huge ocean of God's grace and abundant supply.  i hope and pray that it will be God's grace, a grace that spans her past, present, and future, that she will be sinking in, not all the uncertainties that are in her immediate future.

planning meeting afterwards, which was surprisingly super encouraging.  it was encouraging because i saw that God is truly growing my co-leader's relationship with Him.  God is transforming his safe and comfortable Christianity into what it really means and entails to follow Christ, and its awesome.  even though its a painful process, im thankful, because a real relationship with Jesus Christ is what really matters, and i think for the first time in david's life, he's going to discover how worthy Christ truly is of our lives.  after 4 long years of undergrad, i feel like he's not just lightly dipping his feet anymore in the living water of Christ.  he's gonna be drowning in it.  :)

planning meeting was also encouraging because david really affirmed me.  idk if he realized that he'd given me the best compliment i had ever received -- something along the lines of, "from your life, i can tell you really love Jesus.  from the way you do your quiet times and worship and pray, i see what it means to have a relationship with God."  now, im well aware that a lot of that could be hot air.  and i know that i have sooooo much to learn about and grow in following Christ.  but if he really meant those words, then that was the best encouragement anyone could ever give me.  i guess i write this down not to be arrogant or prideful (which i know i need to guard against), but because years from now when i look back at this blog, i want to be able to say that i've become a radical lover of Jesus Christ.  when people see me, i hope they won't say anything about worldly accomplishments or worldly success.  i hope that what they will note instead is a real and genuine love for Jesus Christ.

3/13: "the town"

Sunday Celebration's sermon expounded on the idea of advancing the Kingdom of God here on earth as was preached at friday's all-nighter service several days ago.  there are some sunday services where i'm kinda out-of-it and mindlessly taking notes.  but this past sunday was the kind of service where i was riveted to every word that came out of pastor pete's mouth.  the idea of God's Kingdom in the context of spiritual family and our relationships was something that i was interesting, especially since relationships is an area that i am continually praying for God's redemption and my obedience.  P. Pete said that caring for one another demonstrates that God is Lord over our lives, which i found profoundly true despite how simple the statement seemed.  experiencing love vertically (from God) should cause me to respond by loving horizontally (to His people).  i think that's the way to "love God back."  there's no way we can ever repay the greatest act of love He gave by sacrificing His son, but the best thing we can do is love horizontally - love His people.

a glimpse of Sunday Celebration

had LCG after service.  im amazed at how God has transformed louise.  remembering who she was at the beginning of the year and seeing how she has been growing week by week is truly a privilege.  im so thankful that God has allowed me to invest in her life this year.  its a privilege to be able to disciple someone new to the faith, to be able to walk with her as she tries to find her footing in Christ.  its encouraging to see her read the Word faithfully and grow in praying out loud.  since i have a church background, spending time with louise is refreshing.  seriously, what a privilege.  every week i meet with her, i see the power and joy that comes from salvation, which continually reminds me how blessed my own salvation is.

watched "the town" with my roomies, esther, diana, rebi, victor, and jsa sunday night.  random group but i love random groups.  plus, i was super excited to watch "the town" because i'd heard rave reviews when it first came out.  despite my initial skepticism (ben affleck as a director?!), from what i'd read online, i was won over by the sell of a gritty crime drama set in boston. 

"candy popcorn" - one of the movie snacks we had.  now that i think about it, its a pretty ironic refreshment to have while watching "the town"

this may seem surprising, but im a big fan of crime dramas - i really enjoyed "L.A. confidential," "the departed," "the godfather I&II," "heat," "se7en," etc, etc, etc.  i don't go chasing after crime films, but when i do get my hands on them, i end up getting really into them; by the time the credits roll, im in this weird crime-drama-esque mood.  like...i wanna go out on the streets and be a cop or be a part of the underground crime world.  its kinda ridiculous and pretty embarrassing to see that confession on the computer screen. 

i like crime dramas b/c of the brutal dialogue, awesome lingo, brotherly camaraderie, raw action, colorful characters.  i like crime dramas because i'm a tame "Christian" girl who's lived a pretty sheltered and uneventful life, and through these films, i see a whole new world and a whole new culture.  a culture of seventy f-words, of unyielding and morally ambiguous loyalty, of an unapologetic graying between what i once believed was a black-and-white right-and-wrong.  the protagonists are often men who simply don't budge on their principles and beliefs, guys who just look downright cool holding a gun, men who are seemingly invincible in the societies they're a part of.

thats exactly what "the town" was for me -- a gritty crime film with all its enjoyable facets, though i agree with one of my roomies: the movie was missing that umph, the one thing that would tip this film over the edge to greatness.  b/c yes, "the town" was a well-made film -- well-directed, generally well-acted, the cinematography of boston was pretty amazing (enhanced thanks to rebi's blu-ray), and the action was taut and tense.  it was a good and well-made film.  but one of the greats?  naw.  there wasn't enough character development for some of the supporting characters, like the federal agent played by jon hamm or the 2 other friends (dez and gloans).  dez and gloans seemed to reappear at the final climactic heist out-of-nowhere, even though apparently, these two guys are "lifelong friends" of doug macray.  i think the most memorable character was probably jeremy renner's jem, though even his character, i felt, could have benefited from more development or scenes.  the scenes he was in, however, were pretty electrifying - his chat with doug about how he shot brendan lee to protect him was definitely one of my favorite scenes.  i believed in his radical loyalty, his over-the-top omerta.  there was this tough, no-compromise culture among the friends in this movie that was pretty admirable.  of course, i think films like "the town" glorifies the mob and criminal culture.  even still, the misplaced glorification of crime looks pretty damn good on the silver screen.

some of my fave lines:

1) first laugh-out-loud moment of the movie:
Gloans: I'm trying to make this sh*t sound f*cking authenticious.
Officer: Authen-what?

2) epic argument full of the slew of swears that gives crime films their raw and gritty dialogue:
James Coughlin: Tell me you got a move here, Dougy. Cause the only way I see it is you get sprung with your g*ddamn bear trap on some toonie p*ssy. Who happens to be the one g*ddamn person....f*ck! The one person that can give us to the f*cking feds.
Doug MacRay: Calm down. Don't you think we need to be smart right now?
James Coughlin: Smart? Oh yeah. Let's start f*cking all the witnesses, right? Yeah, I'm blowing the assistant manager. Am I smart now? Huh? And no, I didn't tell the other guys because I knew they'd flip the f*ck out! And I want 'em f*ckin' ready for the next thing.
Doug MacRay: I told you, the next f*cking thing is not ready yet.
James Coughlin: Then f*cking make it ready!
Doug MacRay: I don't like the guards on the next thing, all right? One kid is like f*ckin' GI Joe. He wears the vest on the outside, tucks his pants into his f*ckin' combat boots.
James Coughlin: The truck is f*cking waste high.
Doug MacRay: We'll find another truck with a driver whose a f*ckin' fat kid with his f*ckin' shit on top, who don't think he's special forces.
James Coughlin: Hey, look I know you're happy in F*ck City over there, but I waited nine years in Walpole for you, motherf*cker. Just nine years, that's all. I'm done waiting.

3) awesome writing:
FBI Agent Adam Frawley: You and your boys didn't just roll a star market over in Malden for a box of quarters. No, you decided to bang it out on the North End at 9 o'clock in the morning with assault rifles. You f*cking dummies shot a guard! Now you're like a half off sale at a Big & Tall - every cop is in line. Fortunately though, for you, this guard, who is two-thirds to a retard, has miraculously clung to life. Now, if it were up to me, and they gave me two minutes and a wet towel, I would personally asphyxiate this half-wit so we could string you up on a federal M1 and end this story with a bag on your head and a paralyzing agent running through your veins. This isn't f*cking Tommy Hopscotch anymore, Doug. But I did wanna say one thing: You're here today so I can personally tell you that you are going to die in federal prison. And so are all your friends. No deal. No compromise. And when that day comes when you start trying to be my hero collaborator so hard that I have to slap you to shut up, and it will come, despite your pitiable, misguided, Irish Omertà. When your code of silence finally gives way to fear of trafficking in cigarettes to prevent sexual enslavement, I just want you to know that it's gonna be me who told you to go f*ck yourself.