with my job coming to a close, i shake my head and smile at my love-hate relationship with it.
when i look back, im so thankful that God has sustained me this past year in this job. the average "life expectancy" of a scribe is ~6 months due to the rigorous and unforgiving nature of the job (ie. no sick days, no lunch breaks), and im amazed that i lasted a year, which testifies to how it truly was God's grace that sustained me. it was definitely rough in the beginning. the scribe program here in ann arbor was in its pilot year, and there's always a lot of junk in a program's first year cuz you're basically stepping into a hospital where things were already set, where staff were so used to working a certain way, and you're changing what they're already comfortable with. so naturally, there'd be some grumpy receptions of the scribe program. i'd be lying if i said i was received warmly on the first couple months on the job. and as a people-pleaser, this was pretty devastating for me. it was tough being unwanted and unappreciated, being looked down on. there was zero affirmation and encouragement from the staff in those beginning months. but im thankful for all of that junk because it toughened me up. i was so used to the friendly student-conducive environment of the ann arbor campus and the amicable community of HMCC that something like this gave me tougher skin. going into work every morning or night, i had to get over my insecurities and just do my thing: do my job as excellently as i could and be faithful with this provision that God had given me. was it hard working nights, weekends, and holidays, when your friends were hanging out and chilling while you were leaving for work? was it hard working turkey day and christmas, returning home on christmas day eating chinese takeout, starting to feel the pangs of homesickness? was it hard working streaks of 8-9 days straight in 10-hour shifts when your coworkers were quitting left and right? heck yea. but i'd like to think that those aspects toughened me up. the challenges of this job grew me tremendously in patience, perseverance, discipline, integrity, and just plain old security.
and i can't deny that i learned a buttload about medicine. it was an undeserved privilege to be able to follow an ER doctor around as he/she saw patients. i learned so much about the practice of medicine, of diagnoses, of presentations, of medical decision-making processes. i'm super thankful for this very rare opportunity to see and experience the day in the life of an ER physician - its pretty amazing. and what i think im most thankful for is how much more i love medicine after the experience. despite all the crazy negatives of this job, i love it. its awesome and exciting, and i cant wait to practice. im so thankful because before taking on this job, medicine was just an abstract concept, a dream of what I wanted to do in the future. but now, its something that i've witnessed and rubbed shoulders with, and i love it. i absolutely love it, and i cant wait to start. im so thankful for God's sovereignty in even providing this job for me because not only was this job a financial provision for why i had stayed in ann arbor for another year, but it was also an avenue where God affirmed this vocational vision that He has been gradually building upon throughout the year. the excitement and enjoyment of my job was one of many affirmations that medicine was something that i wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.
man seriously, God, You are way too good to me. when i look back now, i see that this job and the ministry i was involved in at HMCC was the perfect marriage of what i feel like He is calling me to do. God has been slowly but surely building this dream of medical missions in my heart, and one day, i'd love to be part of a clinic where i can not only provide physical healing per say, but spiritual healing as well. and this past year, being able to glimpse a slice of both worlds was an awesome privilege. but i think whats more awesome is how God affirmed that desire in my heart when i was a part of these two realms. and i cant wait to merge these two worlds for my vocation. i cant wait!
im so excited for school in the fall. i know that its gonna be rough, that im probably going to get owned, and that there will be many nights where i'm rolled in a fetal position dreaming of the days when i was a single adult. but i know that what will pull me through those tough moments will be the excitement and anticipation for the future that (i hope) God is calling me to pursue.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
2/5: i am a blind man
here's a confession: sometimes, i do my QT during TC. i know. its shameful. im messed up. but there are some days God really speaks to me, and whatever regrets i might have go right out the window.
saturday was that day.
Mark 8.22-25 (NLT) = "When they arrived at Bethsaida, some people brought to a blind man to Jesus, and they begged him to touch the man and heal him. Jesus took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village. Then, spitting on the man's eyes, he laid his hands on him and asked, 'Can you see anything now?' The man looked around, 'Yes,' he said, 'I see people, but I can't see them very clearly. They look like trees walking around.' Then Jesus placed his hands on the man's eyes again, and his eyes were opened. His sight was completely restored, and he could see everything clearly."
i read this passage with mere curiosity at first...why did it take "2 tries" for Jesus to heal this blind man? Clearly, Jesus can heal people immediately; there were countless people - blind, lame, sick, even dead, who were instantly healed by Christ. so why the heck did Jesus heal this man in this specific way - partially first before completely healing him? why? what was His purpose in doing so? so i broke the passage down verse by verse while i should have been listening to the pastors (yikes!). several observations: (1) it wasn't the blind man himself who asked for healing. in previous passages, it would be the sick people themselves who would personally ask Jesus for help and healing. but in this case, it was other people who seemed to be begging for him. (2) Jesus took the man by the hand (verse 23a). even before Jesus heals him, there is a display of love and compassion for this man in the act of taking his hand. (3) Jesus leads the man out of the village, out of the view of the people who brought him to Jesus in the first place. the setting becomes deeply personal. there weren't throngs of people watching. it was just between Jesus and the blind man.
this blind man probably didn't know Jesus. He either didnt know or he just didnt care. In prior passages, people would flock toward Jesus when they saw Him come near. but this blind man didnt even personally ask Jesus for healing. it was other people who brought him to Jesus. and by looking at Jesus' subsequent actions, i think more than physical healing, Jesus wanted this blind man to know Him. Jesus just wanted this man to know Him personally. man. isnt that so awesome? Jesus wanted a personal encounter and love relationship with this blind man first and foremost. He led the blind man by the hand out of the village into this very personal setting. how beautiful is that? Jesus wanted this guy to know Him first before getting healed. and i think Jesus partially healed the guy first as a part of knowing Him more - getting a taste of the power of Jesus Christ before being fully healed.
wow. isnt that beautiful? i think im just personally touched by this because whenever i think of healing, i think about my own bondage/addiction, and how God has recently set me free. i remember asking God all these years, "Why is healing taking so long? when, when, when are you going to set me free? Come on, God!" but i am just like this blind man. Before physically healing me, Jesus just wanted me to know Him personally first and foremost. He wanted me to know Him. And these past 5-6 years have been this painfully beautiful journey of knowing Him more. falling in love with Him. that's what Christ wanted for me.
i sat there in TC, just completely overwhelmed by this. that's what these past 5-6 years have been about. Knowing Him more. Jesus guiding me into a deeper and more personal relationship with Him, receiving, and understanding His love for me. Then receiving the full healing.
a couple hours later, i was having lunch with a life group sister at sushi.com, and she asked me (along these lines), "If someone asked you to choose between God and your family, what would you choose? Who would you really choose?" and without a doubt, without a moment's hesitation, i can confidently say that I would choose Christ above everything else in my life - family, future, finances, success, friends, whatever! no doubt about it. but this confidence comes after 5-6 years of knowing Him more - feeling my failures, surrendering my standards, receiving His grace, experiencing His love. man, God, thank You so much. Thank you so much. i want to follow You and grow deeper in love with You all the days of my life. and i know that your disciples had once vowed the same, only for them to fail you at your darkest hour (cough, cough way to go Peter), but i hope and pray that I will be one of the few who are chosen out of the many who are called to follow you radically with all of their hearts.
thank You so much, Jesus. i am so completely filled with gratitude and love with You in this moment.
saturday was that day.
Mark 8.22-25 (NLT) = "When they arrived at Bethsaida, some people brought to a blind man to Jesus, and they begged him to touch the man and heal him. Jesus took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village. Then, spitting on the man's eyes, he laid his hands on him and asked, 'Can you see anything now?' The man looked around, 'Yes,' he said, 'I see people, but I can't see them very clearly. They look like trees walking around.' Then Jesus placed his hands on the man's eyes again, and his eyes were opened. His sight was completely restored, and he could see everything clearly."
i read this passage with mere curiosity at first...why did it take "2 tries" for Jesus to heal this blind man? Clearly, Jesus can heal people immediately; there were countless people - blind, lame, sick, even dead, who were instantly healed by Christ. so why the heck did Jesus heal this man in this specific way - partially first before completely healing him? why? what was His purpose in doing so? so i broke the passage down verse by verse while i should have been listening to the pastors (yikes!). several observations: (1) it wasn't the blind man himself who asked for healing. in previous passages, it would be the sick people themselves who would personally ask Jesus for help and healing. but in this case, it was other people who seemed to be begging for him. (2) Jesus took the man by the hand (verse 23a). even before Jesus heals him, there is a display of love and compassion for this man in the act of taking his hand. (3) Jesus leads the man out of the village, out of the view of the people who brought him to Jesus in the first place. the setting becomes deeply personal. there weren't throngs of people watching. it was just between Jesus and the blind man.
this blind man probably didn't know Jesus. He either didnt know or he just didnt care. In prior passages, people would flock toward Jesus when they saw Him come near. but this blind man didnt even personally ask Jesus for healing. it was other people who brought him to Jesus. and by looking at Jesus' subsequent actions, i think more than physical healing, Jesus wanted this blind man to know Him. Jesus just wanted this man to know Him personally. man. isnt that so awesome? Jesus wanted a personal encounter and love relationship with this blind man first and foremost. He led the blind man by the hand out of the village into this very personal setting. how beautiful is that? Jesus wanted this guy to know Him first before getting healed. and i think Jesus partially healed the guy first as a part of knowing Him more - getting a taste of the power of Jesus Christ before being fully healed.
wow. isnt that beautiful? i think im just personally touched by this because whenever i think of healing, i think about my own bondage/addiction, and how God has recently set me free. i remember asking God all these years, "Why is healing taking so long? when, when, when are you going to set me free? Come on, God!" but i am just like this blind man. Before physically healing me, Jesus just wanted me to know Him personally first and foremost. He wanted me to know Him. And these past 5-6 years have been this painfully beautiful journey of knowing Him more. falling in love with Him. that's what Christ wanted for me.
i sat there in TC, just completely overwhelmed by this. that's what these past 5-6 years have been about. Knowing Him more. Jesus guiding me into a deeper and more personal relationship with Him, receiving, and understanding His love for me. Then receiving the full healing.
a couple hours later, i was having lunch with a life group sister at sushi.com, and she asked me (along these lines), "If someone asked you to choose between God and your family, what would you choose? Who would you really choose?" and without a doubt, without a moment's hesitation, i can confidently say that I would choose Christ above everything else in my life - family, future, finances, success, friends, whatever! no doubt about it. but this confidence comes after 5-6 years of knowing Him more - feeling my failures, surrendering my standards, receiving His grace, experiencing His love. man, God, thank You so much. Thank you so much. i want to follow You and grow deeper in love with You all the days of my life. and i know that your disciples had once vowed the same, only for them to fail you at your darkest hour (cough, cough way to go Peter), but i hope and pray that I will be one of the few who are chosen out of the many who are called to follow you radically with all of their hearts.
thank You so much, Jesus. i am so completely filled with gratitude and love with You in this moment.
2/4: coming back to the heart of worship
yikes! i gotta catch up...i think im 4 days behind. blogging is a lot more tiresome than i thought.
so that friday morning, katie invited me to sample these 2 new cakes from sweetwaters in exchange for a video recording of my reaction of these cakes for their website. walking over to sweetwaters, bundled up and listening to some indie rock music, i felt...on top-of-the-world. its actually pretty embarrassing to admit this....but i literally thought i was the bomb, klunking down huron street with tattered boots, a frayed green coat, and mismatched gloves, jamming to sia. yikes. idk...there were a lot of prideful thoughts running through my head. the past week was great in terms of quality time with God, quality meals with people, and a general feeling of life-is-awesome-God-is-awesome. which shamefully translated to I-am-awesome. now that i look back, i have no idea why i would have attributed any of God's goodness to myself, but i did. i guess sin is just that ridiculous and irrational. gosh - what is wrong with me? my heart is so quick to be self-focused and self-centered. but what I love about our God is that He's a father of correction and He gives us the room to correct ourselves. just a mere 5 minutes of walking with this pride, and the song "Heart of Worship" by Matt Redman rang into my headphones.
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus
oh gosh. God reminded me of who i was and what i was doing in that moment. i'm thankful that God opened my eyes that morning and allowed me to see how i was making this day and this past week about myself, when it was and is and will always be all about Him. I'm sorry, Lord for what I made it. It's all about You. It's all about You. thank You, Jesus, for reminding me.
anyways, in lighter news, the cakes i sampled at sweetwaters were ridiculously good. and when i say ridiculously, i mean that this is not some ploy by sweetwaters -- this is the little girl in me squealing at the recollection of Heaven in cupcake form.
OMG. Seriously...that passion fruit cupcake was out of this world. the frosting - a white chocolate frosting - was light and not too sweet, the spongecake was soft, spongy, and fluffy, and the passion fruit curd in the center was sweet and tangy. mmm...the memory of it is making me salivate. the OMG chocolate cake was really good too....in 3 words, rich, decadent, and luxurious. the chocolate literally covered my whole throat, and when i was trying to make this high-pitched squeal during filming, it came out as this strange gurgly noise cuz of the chocolate smothering my throat.
had lunch with jenny-tan afterwards, though i dont know how i did considering the chocolate cake was the size of a huge foot. i made the maple glazed chicken i had made for nellie earlier this week and with the leftover mustard mashed potatoes, crafted some mashed potato pancakes/patties. it was pretty lame...but thankfully jenny is like me in that we arent too picky when it comes to what we put in our stomachs.
i'm sure there will be future posts about this very special sister in my life, so i'll save those thoughts for later. :)
for ACCESSout that evening, we were supposed to hang out with someone who isnt from our church with the intention of inviting them out to our superbowl party. those without such friends went to North Quad to pray over the site of our superbowl party. so basically it was me and shlee, sitting in a study lounge in North Quad that evening, praying for our outreach event. im thankful for that time of prayer because i realized how far away i am from that heart for the lost. i felt like God was asking me, "lisa, what happened to your heart? remember when you were so excited to invite your hallmates to church during your freshman and sophomore years? what happened to that? look where you're at now! look at how you planned for this superbowl party - so haphazardly, without any excitement or anticipation." ugh. over the years, i have become so comfortable with this wonderful community that i've found, and its sad to admit i've become so apathetic about evangelism and the lost. its horrible! but it was a good reminder. i think one major prayer that i have now is that God will give me a change of heart - a heart that will run after that one lost sheep, that will look for that one lost coin, that will rejoice for that one prodigal son who comes home running.
had some life group sisters over after prayer at North Quad. we watched "Shakespeare in Love" together and baked cookies for our brothers for the upcoming V-Day. i forgot how much i love the movie "Shakespeare in Love." its a fun and intelligent romantic comedy. i feel like u dont really see romantic comedies that are cleverly written and executed like "Shakespeare in Love" anymore. i mean, really...did anyone see the trailer for "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston? are they kidding me?
even though it was only a few of us together, i had a great time with these life group sisters. i really love these girls. i know i dont nearly show it enough, but i really do love them. and i know that this love doesnt come from the flesh - it doesnt come from the fact that we have so much in common (2 of the girls are 5 years younger than me!!!!) or the fact that we have similar personalities (another is an engineer!). i know for sure that this love that flows out of my heart comes from God and God alone. theres no other way. i remember when i met some of these girls at the beginning of the year....there were so many differences, whether in our personalities, interests, and even cultures. but over the past year, my heart has been growing deeper in love with these sisters, and that friday night, i seriously felt my heart swell in love for them. i can tell that they are so loved by God and that they are so precious to Him, and i hope that all of them know that too. i think thats one of the awesome things about life group ministry -- Christ fills your heart for love for His people, and its a love that you can conjure on your own accord.
so that friday morning, katie invited me to sample these 2 new cakes from sweetwaters in exchange for a video recording of my reaction of these cakes for their website. walking over to sweetwaters, bundled up and listening to some indie rock music, i felt...on top-of-the-world. its actually pretty embarrassing to admit this....but i literally thought i was the bomb, klunking down huron street with tattered boots, a frayed green coat, and mismatched gloves, jamming to sia. yikes. idk...there were a lot of prideful thoughts running through my head. the past week was great in terms of quality time with God, quality meals with people, and a general feeling of life-is-awesome-God-is-awesome. which shamefully translated to I-am-awesome. now that i look back, i have no idea why i would have attributed any of God's goodness to myself, but i did. i guess sin is just that ridiculous and irrational. gosh - what is wrong with me? my heart is so quick to be self-focused and self-centered. but what I love about our God is that He's a father of correction and He gives us the room to correct ourselves. just a mere 5 minutes of walking with this pride, and the song "Heart of Worship" by Matt Redman rang into my headphones.
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus
oh gosh. God reminded me of who i was and what i was doing in that moment. i'm thankful that God opened my eyes that morning and allowed me to see how i was making this day and this past week about myself, when it was and is and will always be all about Him. I'm sorry, Lord for what I made it. It's all about You. It's all about You. thank You, Jesus, for reminding me.
anyways, in lighter news, the cakes i sampled at sweetwaters were ridiculously good. and when i say ridiculously, i mean that this is not some ploy by sweetwaters -- this is the little girl in me squealing at the recollection of Heaven in cupcake form.
 |
| the OMG chocolate cake. |
 |
| Year of the Rabbit Passion fruit Cupcake |
had lunch with jenny-tan afterwards, though i dont know how i did considering the chocolate cake was the size of a huge foot. i made the maple glazed chicken i had made for nellie earlier this week and with the leftover mustard mashed potatoes, crafted some mashed potato pancakes/patties. it was pretty lame...but thankfully jenny is like me in that we arent too picky when it comes to what we put in our stomachs.
 |
| who knows what she's doing here |
 |
| Maple Glazed Chicken and Mustard Mashed Potato Pancake |
for ACCESSout that evening, we were supposed to hang out with someone who isnt from our church with the intention of inviting them out to our superbowl party. those without such friends went to North Quad to pray over the site of our superbowl party. so basically it was me and shlee, sitting in a study lounge in North Quad that evening, praying for our outreach event. im thankful for that time of prayer because i realized how far away i am from that heart for the lost. i felt like God was asking me, "lisa, what happened to your heart? remember when you were so excited to invite your hallmates to church during your freshman and sophomore years? what happened to that? look where you're at now! look at how you planned for this superbowl party - so haphazardly, without any excitement or anticipation." ugh. over the years, i have become so comfortable with this wonderful community that i've found, and its sad to admit i've become so apathetic about evangelism and the lost. its horrible! but it was a good reminder. i think one major prayer that i have now is that God will give me a change of heart - a heart that will run after that one lost sheep, that will look for that one lost coin, that will rejoice for that one prodigal son who comes home running.
had some life group sisters over after prayer at North Quad. we watched "Shakespeare in Love" together and baked cookies for our brothers for the upcoming V-Day. i forgot how much i love the movie "Shakespeare in Love." its a fun and intelligent romantic comedy. i feel like u dont really see romantic comedies that are cleverly written and executed like "Shakespeare in Love" anymore. i mean, really...did anyone see the trailer for "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston? are they kidding me?
even though it was only a few of us together, i had a great time with these life group sisters. i really love these girls. i know i dont nearly show it enough, but i really do love them. and i know that this love doesnt come from the flesh - it doesnt come from the fact that we have so much in common (2 of the girls are 5 years younger than me!!!!) or the fact that we have similar personalities (another is an engineer!). i know for sure that this love that flows out of my heart comes from God and God alone. theres no other way. i remember when i met some of these girls at the beginning of the year....there were so many differences, whether in our personalities, interests, and even cultures. but over the past year, my heart has been growing deeper in love with these sisters, and that friday night, i seriously felt my heart swell in love for them. i can tell that they are so loved by God and that they are so precious to Him, and i hope that all of them know that too. i think thats one of the awesome things about life group ministry -- Christ fills your heart for love for His people, and its a love that you can conjure on your own accord.
im thankful for the God who gives us the opportunity to come back to the heart of worship every single day. im thankful for the God who created desserts like passion fruit cupcakes. im thankful for the God who loves the lost. im thankful for the God who's given me this silly, effusive love for my life group girlies. and finally, im thankful for clever, intelligent, well-written romantic comedies.
2/3: you snooze, you lose
invited rebi over for dinner thursday night. as part of Operation CACH (aka Cooking and Chilean Hospitality), i tried to improve upon the food i had cooked earlier for nellie. i made the same "Mustard Mashed Potatoes" but had "Maple Glazed Salmon" instead of chicken and improved the color of the broccoli soup to a greener hue, a vast improvement from the Exorcist-girl-pea-vomit-color i had served nellie. also added a basil tart crust to the blackberry/basil mixture i had given nellie earlier. i think this meal was an improvement from before...but the food was a bit lukewarm so im gonna give it another try with my next victim....third time's a charm, right?
dinner with rebi was really good. i felt like i hadnt really seen or talked with him in a while, and it was pleasantly surprising to see how easy it was to just chat with him. its weird -- we're friends, but i've never actually sat down and shared a meal with him....my interactions with him have usually been either 1) joking incessantly 2) me acting like a fool around him and his patient tolerance 3) uber-serious-sometimes-heated-exchanges. so needless to say, i was really glad to share a simple meal with him. it felt really comfortable, and i actually wish we had more than just that hour to talk. one thing i appreciate about rebi is how real he is. he always keeps it real. he never puts up a mask or a front with me -- which can be both good and bad i guess -- but he says it as it is and doesnt sugar-coat stuff for me. rebi-realness is one of the things i really appreciate and value about our friendship. cuz of this rebi-realness, i really take everything he says to heart.
i met with two other sisters from life group after dinner and i felt like God reminded me of an important adage: you snooze, you lose. i was with my LCG after dinner and got smacked upside the head with this overwhelming, all-consuming food coma. it was ridiculous. it was a struggle to keep my eyes open when she was sharing about the week. it was almost painful to stay awake. dramatic i know, but if we hadnt been sitting by the door, i would have a narcoleptic episode right in front of her. thankfully, she let me get some coffee in the middle of the convo, and just the mere act of moving around and guzzling down some bitter black java got me going again. and once i was awake, as she was sharing about her past week, idk...its like my eyes completely were opened. not only literally physically opened but also "spiritually" opened. hearing her share, remembering where she was in the past, recounting her journey this past semester, its so clear that God is just all over her life. His fingerprints are all over it! He's brought her so far, and i have full confidence that He will continue to have a huge hand over her life. after LCG, i saw this same amazing hold of God in another life group sister. God had given her a huge breakthrough, but what was interesting was that she had absolutely no idea how much of a breakthrough it was. this reminded me of a verse that i had a read recently:
"Jesus also said, 'The Kingdom of God is like a farmer who scatters seed on the ground. Night and day while he's asleep or awake, the seed sprouts and grows, but he does not understand how it happens" (Mark 4.26-27, NLT).
God is working and moving in our lives night and day, while we're wide awake and while we're snoozing away. God moves on the DL sometimes, under the radar, right under our noses, and sometimes, we're not completely aware of it at all! he's simmering away in our hearts while we go on our merry way, completely unaware of this amazing God behind every moment and second of our lives. God had been moving in these lg sisters' lives all this time, without them even noticing or realizing. and if i hadn't been woken up today by that cup of joe, i would have lost the great privilege of being able to see the great God we worship at work. i guess that really challenged me to be more alert and mindful to my surroundings, to "catch" God in everything and everyone.
you snooze, you lose. but the awesome thing about our God is that even while we're snoozing, He's working; the seed is sprouting and growing.
 |
| Maple Glazed Salmon top of Mustard Mashed Potatoes and Creamy Broccoli Soup |
 |
| Blackberry Basil Tart |
i met with two other sisters from life group after dinner and i felt like God reminded me of an important adage: you snooze, you lose. i was with my LCG after dinner and got smacked upside the head with this overwhelming, all-consuming food coma. it was ridiculous. it was a struggle to keep my eyes open when she was sharing about the week. it was almost painful to stay awake. dramatic i know, but if we hadnt been sitting by the door, i would have a narcoleptic episode right in front of her. thankfully, she let me get some coffee in the middle of the convo, and just the mere act of moving around and guzzling down some bitter black java got me going again. and once i was awake, as she was sharing about her past week, idk...its like my eyes completely were opened. not only literally physically opened but also "spiritually" opened. hearing her share, remembering where she was in the past, recounting her journey this past semester, its so clear that God is just all over her life. His fingerprints are all over it! He's brought her so far, and i have full confidence that He will continue to have a huge hand over her life. after LCG, i saw this same amazing hold of God in another life group sister. God had given her a huge breakthrough, but what was interesting was that she had absolutely no idea how much of a breakthrough it was. this reminded me of a verse that i had a read recently:
"Jesus also said, 'The Kingdom of God is like a farmer who scatters seed on the ground. Night and day while he's asleep or awake, the seed sprouts and grows, but he does not understand how it happens" (Mark 4.26-27, NLT).
God is working and moving in our lives night and day, while we're wide awake and while we're snoozing away. God moves on the DL sometimes, under the radar, right under our noses, and sometimes, we're not completely aware of it at all! he's simmering away in our hearts while we go on our merry way, completely unaware of this amazing God behind every moment and second of our lives. God had been moving in these lg sisters' lives all this time, without them even noticing or realizing. and if i hadn't been woken up today by that cup of joe, i would have lost the great privilege of being able to see the great God we worship at work. i guess that really challenged me to be more alert and mindful to my surroundings, to "catch" God in everything and everyone.
you snooze, you lose. but the awesome thing about our God is that even while we're snoozing, He's working; the seed is sprouting and growing.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
2/2: spiritual battle, splinter, shlee, how He loves BS
so at life group chapel a couple days ago, while we were praying for lg, i felt like the Spirit was really just charging that room....and then this image of this dark figure putting a gun to my head came up, and i kinda freaked out a little before pushing the thought out. im not one of those crazy prophetic prayer warriors so its pretty rare when i get such vivid images. while we were closing out, i couldnt deny the fact that the image wasnt just a random thought but i think a warning from God of the spiritual battle that is to come. i think God has been blessing our life group abundantly lately, answering so many prayers, and i can understand that Satan is prolly pretty pissed. i guess the reality of spiritual battle hasnt ever really presented itself in such a visual manifestation to me before....but im thankful that God has provided us the means to defend and fight back. as i was praying about this scary image God had warned me with, He reminded me that yea, as we are mere chaff in the wind, we're toast against the spiritual authorities and principalities of the evil world....but Christ's victory lives in us, He's given us spiritual armor, and thats something i hope i can remind not only myself, but also my life group in the coming challenges and trials to come.
i had a nice phone date with splinter aka ruth lin yesterday afternoon. it was so good being able to share all that God did in Chile and how He's freed me. as i was sharing with her, i started blubbering like a crazed seal, and i think the reason why i was such a mess while i was sharing with her is because she was there when i was at my worst. she was there when i was struggling with the very dark thoughts and crippling insecurities that God had set me free from after the Chile missions trip. she was there, and because she knew how horrible they were before, she could completely share in my joy and thanksgiving in the newfound joy and freedom God has given me. i remember all the prayers she used to cry out for me -- and God heard, and im so happy to share with her how He has decided to answer them all at this sovereign time.
idk....im just so thankful for her, period. im thankful that God has blessed me with this awesome relationship with this older sister. when she last visited in december, i was asking some of my peers if they had older sister friendships like the one i have with splinter. and i realized how rare it is. a lot of people come and go here in ann arbor and from the ministry here at HMCC, and theres definitely that danger of losing touch or just the fading element of any relationship affected by the double whammy of distance and time. this is how i know its God behind this sisterhood b/c not only has the love been maintained between us, but i feel like this love has been strengthened, despite the fact that 2 years have passed where we've been living in 2 completely different cities. im so thankful because i can still share and testify with her, and she can genuinely share in that. and whats more is that when she shares, i still continue to learn so much from her -- i still learn so much from the way she lives her life, from the way she testifies, from the way she shares honestly, from the way she processes through things, from teh way she genuinely tries to follow God. thank you so much, God! thank you so much for continuing this "discipleship" in ways that i could never have imagined.
afterwards, i met with shlee. :) aw, i love shlee. idk if she knows how much i see God's love in her life. it was just a casual meetup, but while she was talking, i was remembering the first day i met up with her 2 years ago in spring/summer lg....we were sitting on the grass in the diag. and im remembering the things she shared then and thinking of our meetup at trusty old starbucks on south university yesterday -- man, God has really grown her so much. aww....God loves her so much...its crazy! He has transformed her and changed her sooooo much. the way she used to view God, the things that were high on her heart....all of that has completely changed. now there is a greater desire, a heart that is trying to obey and love God first and foremost, and to be able to see that....its awesome. God has grown her so much....gosh, look at this woman of growing faith! yay shlee! and yay God! =)
had life group afterwards. yay. oh man....im so filled with thankfulness when i think about this life group. last week, the day after lg, i was driving to work, and i dont know why...maybe it was just that time of month...but i was completely blown away by how good God has been to our group, and it brought me to tears. seriously, God. this is how i know that this group is not mine or david's...it truly is yours. because your love and your power and your will and what you wanna do in these members' lives....You're gonna do it despite my weaknesses, despite how lame i am as a leader and older sister. Your love is independent of how i "perform" as a shepherd. and thats awesome. You love them sooo much. so much.
He has taken this group sooooo far. we really had some humble beginnings. i remember God reassuring me in my prayers in the beginning of the school year that i should be thankful to have humble beginnings...b/c its only through a humble beginning that there's the possibility of huge potential and the room for God to work. if everythings all set, fine, and dandy from the very start, there's no room for God's power, you know? oh man i remember truly how humble the Blind Side beginnings were. but for some reason, ever since returning from winter break, God has been answering prayers and blessing like crazy....im seriously like...wtheck? wheres this coming from? specific prayers too....one prayer i remember lifting up pretty consistently throughout all of last semester's lg chapel times was something along the lines of, "God, help us to be a group where we are truly interceding for one another, where we're carrying each other's burdens in prayer, where there are tears in our eyes b/c we're that burdened for one another." and omg. that first night back from winter break, there was this beautiful breakthrough of vulnerability. people were sharing very personal struggles and things going on, and as we were praying for one another, that room was just filled with the answered prayer of true intercession - of carrying one another's burdens as tears fell from our eyes. i left that place so in awe of God. and since that week, week after week, im seeing more and more of how God has been answering prayers -- whether its greater unity in laughter, seeing the "Three Stooges" come together, specific prayers for specific members, Acts 2.47.....oh man, God. it comes out of nowhere -- and that's how i know its You. Thank you so much, Jesus!
yesterday, we broke fast together and we closed out the night singing "How He Loves." idk....God loves them so much....and in the trials and spiritual battle that is to come (as mentioned in the first paragraph of this ridiculously long post), i hope and pray that they will remember that God loves them sooooo much. and may that beautiful and overwhelming love carry them through and give them the hope they need to persevere and press on.
thank you so much, Jesus for every good and perfect gift that you give us, gifts that we dont ask for and yet you give, gifts like older sisters and continuing "discipleship" relationships. thank You for how much you love my lg members even when i dont nearly love them enough as i should. thank You so much for the victory that You won for us, the victory we have when we fight against spiritual battle -- we've already won! thank You for winning that for us already.
i had a nice phone date with splinter aka ruth lin yesterday afternoon. it was so good being able to share all that God did in Chile and how He's freed me. as i was sharing with her, i started blubbering like a crazed seal, and i think the reason why i was such a mess while i was sharing with her is because she was there when i was at my worst. she was there when i was struggling with the very dark thoughts and crippling insecurities that God had set me free from after the Chile missions trip. she was there, and because she knew how horrible they were before, she could completely share in my joy and thanksgiving in the newfound joy and freedom God has given me. i remember all the prayers she used to cry out for me -- and God heard, and im so happy to share with her how He has decided to answer them all at this sovereign time.
idk....im just so thankful for her, period. im thankful that God has blessed me with this awesome relationship with this older sister. when she last visited in december, i was asking some of my peers if they had older sister friendships like the one i have with splinter. and i realized how rare it is. a lot of people come and go here in ann arbor and from the ministry here at HMCC, and theres definitely that danger of losing touch or just the fading element of any relationship affected by the double whammy of distance and time. this is how i know its God behind this sisterhood b/c not only has the love been maintained between us, but i feel like this love has been strengthened, despite the fact that 2 years have passed where we've been living in 2 completely different cities. im so thankful because i can still share and testify with her, and she can genuinely share in that. and whats more is that when she shares, i still continue to learn so much from her -- i still learn so much from the way she lives her life, from the way she testifies, from the way she shares honestly, from the way she processes through things, from teh way she genuinely tries to follow God. thank you so much, God! thank you so much for continuing this "discipleship" in ways that i could never have imagined.
 | |
| me and splinter many many many years ago :) |
had life group afterwards. yay. oh man....im so filled with thankfulness when i think about this life group. last week, the day after lg, i was driving to work, and i dont know why...maybe it was just that time of month...but i was completely blown away by how good God has been to our group, and it brought me to tears. seriously, God. this is how i know that this group is not mine or david's...it truly is yours. because your love and your power and your will and what you wanna do in these members' lives....You're gonna do it despite my weaknesses, despite how lame i am as a leader and older sister. Your love is independent of how i "perform" as a shepherd. and thats awesome. You love them sooo much. so much.
He has taken this group sooooo far. we really had some humble beginnings. i remember God reassuring me in my prayers in the beginning of the school year that i should be thankful to have humble beginnings...b/c its only through a humble beginning that there's the possibility of huge potential and the room for God to work. if everythings all set, fine, and dandy from the very start, there's no room for God's power, you know? oh man i remember truly how humble the Blind Side beginnings were. but for some reason, ever since returning from winter break, God has been answering prayers and blessing like crazy....im seriously like...wtheck? wheres this coming from? specific prayers too....one prayer i remember lifting up pretty consistently throughout all of last semester's lg chapel times was something along the lines of, "God, help us to be a group where we are truly interceding for one another, where we're carrying each other's burdens in prayer, where there are tears in our eyes b/c we're that burdened for one another." and omg. that first night back from winter break, there was this beautiful breakthrough of vulnerability. people were sharing very personal struggles and things going on, and as we were praying for one another, that room was just filled with the answered prayer of true intercession - of carrying one another's burdens as tears fell from our eyes. i left that place so in awe of God. and since that week, week after week, im seeing more and more of how God has been answering prayers -- whether its greater unity in laughter, seeing the "Three Stooges" come together, specific prayers for specific members, Acts 2.47.....oh man, God. it comes out of nowhere -- and that's how i know its You. Thank you so much, Jesus!
yesterday, we broke fast together and we closed out the night singing "How He Loves." idk....God loves them so much....and in the trials and spiritual battle that is to come (as mentioned in the first paragraph of this ridiculously long post), i hope and pray that they will remember that God loves them sooooo much. and may that beautiful and overwhelming love carry them through and give them the hope they need to persevere and press on.
 | |
| Oh, how He loves...Blind Side |
thank you so much, Jesus for every good and perfect gift that you give us, gifts that we dont ask for and yet you give, gifts like older sisters and continuing "discipleship" relationships. thank You for how much you love my lg members even when i dont nearly love them enough as i should. thank You so much for the victory that You won for us, the victory we have when we fight against spiritual battle -- we've already won! thank You for winning that for us already.
2/1: nellie, gifts, and the Spirit
i only have ~3 months left here in ann arbor, so i think im going to make a greater effort to "milk out" as much as possible from these remaining days. and i think one good way of doing so would be to recount at the end of the day with praise and thanksgiving.
so yesterday, on the 1st of february, started the day off with morning prayer, which is stemming from a recent conviction to go to morning prayer more consistently to devote that time for intercession. i dont know if i'll actually be able to follow through with this considering how good i am at laziness, but i know that i dont nearly pray for other people as much as i should.
anyway, im really really really thankful to God because i feel like yesterday was such a Spirit-filled day, just filled with His presence, and i dont know why. its not like i did anything different. idk. maybe just that openness was enough for me to receive His presence. or maybe i was just finally listening to what He was saying all along. either way, reading the Word that morning, God brought my life group to my mind while reading Mark 4.3-20, which is the parable of the farmer planting seeds into different types of soils. man, and i realized how much i need to pray that every single member has good soil in their hearts. "Many are called, but few are chosen," Jesus says, and there are so many people every single year who go to life group faithfully, but then the next year, Jesus becomes almost a stranger to them. and in that corner of the church basement, God rebuked me and taught me something about life group ministry -- it's not just about just this year. it's not just about Blind Side. its about their whole lives, these members, that what they learn, that what they read about in the Word, that what they experience through their LCGs, through life group gatherings, through churchwide gatherings, that all of these things will fall on good soil so that all the days of their lives, all the days of their lives, and not just this school year, they will know, love, obey, and follow God. that their followership and love for Christ will extend many many many years beyond my time with them now in this specific life group.
on another note, as a part of my 1) application of Chilean hospitality and 2) enjoying the culinary realm of cooking and eating, i invited nellie over for dinner. :) it was such a good time catching up with her while snowmaggedon was raging on outside. i made some "Maple Glazed Chicken" with "Mustard Mashed Potatoes" and "Creamy Broccoli Soup" and some a bowl of blackberries, basil, honey, and ginger whipped cream for dessert.
i hope it tasted good.....i thought they were pretty good recipes but im pretty easy to please when it comes to food. nellie was really generous about complimenting the food, but shes also profusely nice....so i think im gonna have to try this dish again and have someone more cruel judge the recipes.
its always good to share and meet with nellie. one of the many things i admire about her is her honesty and openness. God has blessed her with this childlike love, faith, and wonder. sometimes i forget how much older she is than me because of how childlike her heart for God is, and i hope thats something that can be fostered in me as well. i dont want to be an old, hard-hearted, cynical soul but rather, a little girl at heart who is complete awe at my Abba Father.
towards the latter half of the conversation, we got to talking about spiritual gifts and when she asked me about mine, i was at a loss for words. i have no idea what my spiritual gifts are. i think i wasnt really bothered with this idea before, but i realized in our convo that being aware of your spiritual gifts is actually pretty important b/c thats how you can really learn to develop them. how else can you grow these gifts if you're not aware of it? yikes. i guess i have to start praying over this....but what the heck are the spiritual giftings? i guess i should have taken better notes at the churchwide gatherings...cuz im pretty sure we went over this already. whoops.
in any case, im thankful for an awesome first february. im thankful for a cousin who i can have a truly Christ-centered sisterhood with. im thankful for all that God has been revealing when it comes to ministry, whether life group or spiritual gifts. and im thankful for His great and crazy love!
so yesterday, on the 1st of february, started the day off with morning prayer, which is stemming from a recent conviction to go to morning prayer more consistently to devote that time for intercession. i dont know if i'll actually be able to follow through with this considering how good i am at laziness, but i know that i dont nearly pray for other people as much as i should.
anyway, im really really really thankful to God because i feel like yesterday was such a Spirit-filled day, just filled with His presence, and i dont know why. its not like i did anything different. idk. maybe just that openness was enough for me to receive His presence. or maybe i was just finally listening to what He was saying all along. either way, reading the Word that morning, God brought my life group to my mind while reading Mark 4.3-20, which is the parable of the farmer planting seeds into different types of soils. man, and i realized how much i need to pray that every single member has good soil in their hearts. "Many are called, but few are chosen," Jesus says, and there are so many people every single year who go to life group faithfully, but then the next year, Jesus becomes almost a stranger to them. and in that corner of the church basement, God rebuked me and taught me something about life group ministry -- it's not just about just this year. it's not just about Blind Side. its about their whole lives, these members, that what they learn, that what they read about in the Word, that what they experience through their LCGs, through life group gatherings, through churchwide gatherings, that all of these things will fall on good soil so that all the days of their lives, all the days of their lives, and not just this school year, they will know, love, obey, and follow God. that their followership and love for Christ will extend many many many years beyond my time with them now in this specific life group.
on another note, as a part of my 1) application of Chilean hospitality and 2) enjoying the culinary realm of cooking and eating, i invited nellie over for dinner. :) it was such a good time catching up with her while snowmaggedon was raging on outside. i made some "Maple Glazed Chicken" with "Mustard Mashed Potatoes" and "Creamy Broccoli Soup" and some a bowl of blackberries, basil, honey, and ginger whipped cream for dessert.
its always good to share and meet with nellie. one of the many things i admire about her is her honesty and openness. God has blessed her with this childlike love, faith, and wonder. sometimes i forget how much older she is than me because of how childlike her heart for God is, and i hope thats something that can be fostered in me as well. i dont want to be an old, hard-hearted, cynical soul but rather, a little girl at heart who is complete awe at my Abba Father.
towards the latter half of the conversation, we got to talking about spiritual gifts and when she asked me about mine, i was at a loss for words. i have no idea what my spiritual gifts are. i think i wasnt really bothered with this idea before, but i realized in our convo that being aware of your spiritual gifts is actually pretty important b/c thats how you can really learn to develop them. how else can you grow these gifts if you're not aware of it? yikes. i guess i have to start praying over this....but what the heck are the spiritual giftings? i guess i should have taken better notes at the churchwide gatherings...cuz im pretty sure we went over this already. whoops.
in any case, im thankful for an awesome first february. im thankful for a cousin who i can have a truly Christ-centered sisterhood with. im thankful for all that God has been revealing when it comes to ministry, whether life group or spiritual gifts. and im thankful for His great and crazy love!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
how He loves
i've heard "How He Loves" before at church services, but i was always a little thrown off by the lyrics, so the meaning didn't really hit me. i mean..."hurricane?" "we're sinking?" "kiss?!?!" omg. but a couple days ago, idk why but i looked up the song, and as i was listening to it, the lyrics finally hit home for me, and i was moved to tears. holy crap. How He loves us! He loves me soooo much, more than i can really comprehend and grasp. and this love is not this sweet and polite love. its a messy love. its a getting-down-and-dirty love. its loving me when im at my worst. its loving me with arms that are holding me and hugging me while i am fighting Him away. when i was listening to that song in that moment, i wasnt in a good state. old sins and insecurities were popping back up, and i was so frustrated and down on how messed up i was. i was frustrated with the recurrence of these issues. but "when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and i realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affections are for me." amen.
first off, these "afflictions" are "eclipsed by glory." when i look back at my past struggles, i see how God was using it to bring restoration, healing, and ultimately, glory to His name. and when i finally step out of my self-centered and self-focused mode of focusing on these supposed failures and frustrations, i realize how much God loves me.
"Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves...."
man....God's love is absolutely amazing. idk how and idk why but God, You love us so much. Your love is this consuming storm that just takes over everything we are. Your love is truly this all-consuming fire. and its crazy beautiful! in my disgusting sin, in my shame, in my weakness, in my depravity, You love us. You love us so much. i cant believe i'm not moved by this love every single day of my life.
oh man....God you're so good. we are so blessed to worship a God like You.
first off, these "afflictions" are "eclipsed by glory." when i look back at my past struggles, i see how God was using it to bring restoration, healing, and ultimately, glory to His name. and when i finally step out of my self-centered and self-focused mode of focusing on these supposed failures and frustrations, i realize how much God loves me.
"Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves...."
man....God's love is absolutely amazing. idk how and idk why but God, You love us so much. Your love is this consuming storm that just takes over everything we are. Your love is truly this all-consuming fire. and its crazy beautiful! in my disgusting sin, in my shame, in my weakness, in my depravity, You love us. You love us so much. i cant believe i'm not moved by this love every single day of my life.
oh man....God you're so good. we are so blessed to worship a God like You.
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