Zahnpaste: 40 years

he said he believed in God. but he possessed a deeply cynical view of God.

as for believing in Jesus...once he believed. when we were both in middle school, when we would both attend our tiny youth group, when we would both sing praise songs and study the Bible with our friendly, heavily-accented Korean youth pastor. but come high school, once i stopped going, so did he. i'll never forgive myself for dragging him down with me.

for 18 years, we were inseparable, which is unsurprising considering we were only a year apart. we always shared the same life stage, and when we moved to attend highland park high school, we both experienced the hardships and trials of transitioning together. he was my best friend growing up.

and then, i went to umich. a year later, he attended uiuc. our paths have never been the same since.

i've often wondered, "God...wtheck? why me? why did you choose to let me experience such an awesome Biblical community? why did you invite me to have this indescribable relationship with You? and why did you leave my brother behind? why couldn't he have had the same thing? if anything, dennis deserves it far more than me. he is a far better person than me. if there's anyone who deserves it more, it's him. not me."

after some of our countless gchat conversations when he'd go on anti-God and anti-Christianity rants, i'd feel so discouraged and so frustrated with God. "God, i've seen people accept Christ here! why can't you do the same for my own brother?!?! come on! aren't you his God too???"

by far, dennis is the one person in this entire world who i have prayed for the most. by far. no one comes close. i've had fights with God about him. i've cried like a baby for him. and i've asked God, "how long do you want me to pray for him before you do your thing? is this going to be one of the testimonies where he accepts You when we're both old and gray? man. that's a long time of prayer, waiting, and trust."

2 days ago, i barged into his room, wanting to borrow his USB. i found him sprawled supine on his bed, his hands pressed against his eyes. he looked like he was either passed out or super-stressed.

"dennis, can i --"

"hold on for a sec," he murmured.

wtheck?

i left the room, flabbergasted. was he praying? was he praying?!?!?!

sitting in my room, i patiently waited for 5 minutes, my heart pounding, unable to do anything except for blankly stare at my desktop screen, a screen boasting of a shot of me and ismael acting like monkeys atop a view of santiago.

i don't know why i was nervous, but i was. when i returned to his room, i was too afraid to ask the question that had been parading around my head. so instead, i asked, "can i use your USB? do you need it for tomorrow?"

"no, go ahead."

"ok thanks." i grabbed the small yellow device and swiveled on my heels to leave, and i realized why i was nervous: i remembered all the conversations i've had with him about God, how each of those conversations ended up with fierce arguing, how each of those talks left me so disheartened and discouraged. i was afraid to ask him if he was praying because i was afraid i was going to be wrong. i was afraid of finding out that he actually wasn't praying and that i had my hopes up for nothing.

by God's grace, by His prodding, i finally mustered up the courage as i was shutting his bedroom door.

"hey, dennis. were you...like...praying just now?"

"yea," he said nonchalantly.

i could tell by his tone that this wasn't a topic that he wanted to discuss further...but i can't wait to follow-up with him. i've been reading Joshua for my BRP, and recently, it's been going through the allotment of land to the israelites after they've defeated the various kings in the area. while the listing of tribes and territories doesn't make for an exciting read, in actuality, the content represented a monumental moment for the israelites. after waiting for 40 years, they were finally stepping foot in the land God had promised.

God, are those 40 years over for dennis? are we finally going to see Your promise???

ahhhh!!!! :)

and finally...some snippets of me and my brother's outing to lincoln park (aka yuppieville) as a part of my new monthly commitment to hanging out with dennis via exploring chicago neighborhoods.