"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16.33 (NIV)
Father, thank You for being a God of peace. You're not a god of turmoil, a god of chaos, a god of negligence. You're a God who listens, a God who cares, a God who loves. You're a God of peace. just over a week ago, i was so anxious, so worried, so frazzled, so discouraged with "the big 3." i was heavy with this incessant buzzing of concern. im so thankful b/c since then, through people, through my QTs, through Sunday services, God has allowed me to to see Him and remember Him.
started with last sunday. went to redeemerlife church again for sunday service. i'd still been feeling so discouraged and dejected from my recent interactions with my brother. and God knew. He knew the heaviness of my heart. and like a caring father, He gently poured hope into me through the sermon. the sermon covered John 15.1-6, the well-known "I am the vine; you are the branches" passage. the pastor spoke about how in the Old Testament, vine imagery was utilized to point out israel's failures. in the books of Hosea, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel, the prophets compare israel to a vine, but a vine that essentially failed at what it was supposed to do and be b/c israel produced "wild grapes," became a "wild vine," and bore the "fruit" of more idols. the vine represented israel's failure.
and yet, Jesus says in verse 1: "I am the true vine." the true vine. b/c where israel failed, He was going to succeed. b/c where i've failed, where i've failed as a sister, where i've failed as a follower of Christ, where i've failed as a daughter, where i've failed as a lover of God's people, where i've failed as a lover of the lost, Jesus proclaimed that He was the true vine -- that He would succeed, that He would cover over these failures, that He would bear the true fruit for me. as long as i remain in Him, He'll do all the work.
dang.
idk...that struck such a chord with me. i've failed so much w/ my family since coming back home. but its ok. its ok because Christ covers that. and from here on out, i can strive for Christlike character and a Gospel life. as long as i remain in Him, i can strive to be like Christ. and He will be my vine, my source of growth and progress. from that sermon, i felt so much more hopeful about the mistakes i've made with my brother. its not too late, lisa. its not too late. even though you've hurt him so much, Jesus will succeed where you failed. He gives you second chances. so today, tomorrow -- they're all new days where you can strive for Christlike character and a Gospel life; they're all new days where you can strive to be the love of God to him.
God reinforced his encouragement with my BRP the following day: "Look, the highest heavens and the earth and everything in it all belong to the Lord your God...Yet...he chose you...above all other nations, as is evident today. Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn" (Deuteronomy 10.14-16, NLT).
slap to the back of the head right there. look at the highest heavens and everything on this earth. God is so great, big, majestic, mighty, and awesome. and for some crazy reason, God chose you -- a wicked, selfish, and proud sinner to have a love relationship with Him. what in the world...? He chose you. so what do i do with this incomprehensible grace? "Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn" (v.16). that's right, lisa. stop being so proud. stop being so selfish. stop being so stubborn. just stop it. turn around. love your family. be Christ to your family. not b/c of duty, not b/c of them, not b/c of you. but b/c God chose you and saved you.
its not too late to repent, not too late to truly repent by how you live. from His Word, hope has replaced the dark dejection that heavily weighed down on me regarding my relationship with my brother.
and then there's the anxiety i had about finding a new spiritual community. since coming back, i've been starving for Biblical community. i've been so anxious about this search -- when will i find my new home? but now, even though im still wanting that community, i think God has given me so much more peace about this search, a peace dispensed through people.
last sunday, i went to visit splinter in chicago. it was so good to see her, to hang out with her, and to talk with her face-to-face. i visited her apartment in chicago, and then we went to the beach since it was so nice out.
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| splinter @ the ice cream stand |
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| sponge bob's messed up-eye was a sad and pitiful sight |
words can't fully describe how sovereignly perfect it was to spend that afternoon with ruth. not only b/c she's a familiar face, not only b/c she's someone who knows me so well, not only b/c i feel so comfortable around her, but mostly b/c she's someone who has had to transition from hmcc to chicago before. first off, i absolutely love ruth. i've written several posts about her before, and seeing her again in-person reminded me of why i gush about her. even though i have a ton of respect for her, there exists this level of personability and vulnerability that is mutual and reciprocated which makes her feel like such a friend. not a high and lofty mentor. but a genuine friend whom i love, can laugh with, can relate to, and also look up to. thats a rare combination. and that uncanny conglomerate was our afternoon on the shores of lake michigan. we laughed, we caught each other up on our lives, but most of all, as i shared with her about my concerns about finding a new spiritual home, i was comforted b/c of what she shared about her first year out of mission year and hmcc.
i felt so much more at peace about my current situation after she shared. even though i knew this transition was going to be super difficult, hearing ruth's personal experiences, listening to someone who's trekked that road before eased my anxiety. as i was sharing with her about the uncertainty i had with redeemerlife, she reminded me of some important things that i needed to think about and consider, things that i needed to hear from someone else, things that were reinforced with my time with nancy later that day.
after chilling with ruth, i went to visit park community church, the church in the city that nancy now attends. i met her there, and she accompanied me to sunday service.
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| "we exist to be a Biblical community where the Gospel of Jesus Christ transforms lives, renews the city, and impacts the world." haha...sound eerily familiar? |
the church is big, very developed, and super organized; they had their own cafe and their own legit bookstore. it was pretty crazy. i know that nancy loves this church, and i could tell that she is definitely getting her bearings and finding her place in there, getting involved with the worship band, leading a small group, getting connected with people, going on a recent missions trip to joplin with them. but personally, i didn't connect with this church. idk. it was sovereign too b/c at this particular service, the pastor recounted the church's overall vision -- to be a light in the city of chicago (which is great and definitely convicting). but throughout the sermon, i continually transferred each of his points not to the city, but to north chicago. the pastor preached on the ministry of presence, of engaging where you are, of not just living in a city, but engaging fully in the city, of living purposefully and righteously. that was definitely a powerful message for me to hear, but i kept thinking of that in the context of my family and of north chicago. along with some other things and the feel that i got at the end of the service, i had this distant feeling with park community....
anyways, had dinner with nancy afterwards at butterfly sushi. yum!
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| another sushi-lovin' choi! |
but out of desperation for community a couple weeks ago as i moved back to chicago, i emailed her sheepishly, hoping for any church suggestions. i was so surprised that she not only responded with full detail but also offered to take me to her church and even grab dinner afterwards. what?! really?? and going into the dinner, i was pretty excited...but i was also wondering a bit...what are we going to talk about? i wonder if its going to be awkward. i wonder what our interactions are going to be like.
we sat in that restaurant for almost two and a half hours, and in all honesty, time flew by. i was stunned at how open nancy was about her life, at how honestly and fluidly she shared. and as she shared, i met not the scary-intimidating-super-holy matriarch that i was once so afraid of, but i met this warm, easygoing, incredibly amiable sister. that surprising discovery was such a treasure! and it felt so good to be able to share my current concerns about finding a new spiritual community with her, especially b/c she, like ruth, has trudged down this road before. and just like my time with ruth, her insight, advice, and honest reflections on her own time gave me so much reassurance and peace about my situation. just as ruth shared, nancy also reiterated that yes, this transition time is going to be incredibly tough. there's no sugar-coating it. it was incredibly difficult for her, just as it was for ruth. and even as she was sharing her prior difficulties, there was this warm blanket of understanding. someone understands. someone's gone through this before. she knows exactly how i feel. she struggled. and just like ruth, she has emerged out of the struggle with a community that she loves and can call home.
that sunday night, driving back home, peace flooded into my heart concerning my search for a spiritual community. yes, its gonna be hard. and yes, its prolly going to take at the very least, half a year to find that place. but i have two sisters who have gone this road before, who are lovers of Christ and have exemplified Christ's love to me, sisters who i can turn to for support and encouragement. and i have these two living examples of a year of struggle, of faithfulness when it was hard to be faithful, finally rewarded with new spiritual homes. i have a lot more peace about this search now b/c i know that God will lead me to a community. though the road may be long and rough, in the end, God will be there.
this peace in my heart had been building up throughout last week starting from that sunday. even with school, im starting to get to know some of my classmates, starting to feel more comfortable with this whole grad school thing. im enjoying my classes more and more. i feel like such a nerd saying this, but sometimes when i'm walking in the halls, i get giddy thinking about where this is going to lead me. i'm going to be a PA! i'm going to treat patients! i'm going to serve the underprivileged! ahhhh! i get so excited thinking about it! and the crazy thing to is one of my professors had a presentation on medical missions -- i could hardly believe it. while some of my classmates were perusing on facebook as she was lecturing, i was glued to the screen. :)
anyway, this peace has been growing since last sunday, and this past sunday, i think i finally realized that it was peace and not just temporary euphoria or forgetting my "woes." i visited lakeview church this sunday. i've been so used to asian-dominant churches, and this half caucasian church demographic was surprisingly refreshing. the pastor was a great and compelling speaker, preaching on a powerful message that i regretfully won't recount here cuz its getting late and this post is getting way too long. but it was such a good sermon, and afterwards, after meeting the pastor's wife and some of the older members, driving back home...idk. there was this peace. even though i'm going to be visiting churches for a while, being able to experience God and just be with Him, even if its with a complete group of strangers is - for now - more than okay. i just love being with Him, and until i find that church i can call home, as long as God is with me, i'm good.
also visited one of redeemerlife's small groups this past sunday evening. ahhh! it felt so good to be able to commune with believers again, to discuss the Bible, to learn from them, to pray for one another. it felt soooo...idk...refreshing to be able to fellowship with Christ-followers. i loved it, savored every moment. even though there were only 4 other people in that room, even though they were all complete strangers and older than me, even though i might not stay with this church, it didn't matter. being able to commune with Christ together was so refreshing.
God, thank You so much for turning me around, for shifting my attitude, for opening my eyes, for lightening my perspective. thank You, Father of lights, my God of peace.
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