after God's own heart

"King David was now very old, and no matter how many blankets covered him, he could not keep warm.  So his advisers told him, 'Let us find a young virgin to wait on you and look after you, my lord.  She will lie in your arms and keep you warm.'  So they searched throughout the land of Israel for a beautiful girl, and they found Abishag from Shunem and brought her to the king.  The girl was very beautiful, and she looked after the king and took care of him.  But the king had no sexual relations with her."  
 - 1 Kings 1.1-4, NLT


King David's life finds much of its renown in his youth and prime -- the little boy with the sheep anointed as king; the epic battle against Goliath; his various psalms exuding with vulnerability, passion, and vigor; his countless victories over Israel's enemies; his adulterous sin with Bathsheba and subsequent murder of her husband.  i know King David as the man after God's own heart, and I assume that characteristic stems solely from those earlier chapters of his life.

But several days ago, after reading 1 Kings 1, i think God helped me realize that David was more of a man after His own heart as a frail old man.  It is this late in the game, at this ripe old age, nearing mortal death, that King David fully encompasses what the prophet Samuel had once proclaimed about him in 1 Samuel 13.13-14.

Compare 2 Samuel 11, the scene of, arguably, David's most heinous crime.  He gets up, and standing from a rooftop, from afar, sees a beautiful woman, and from that distance, David's already sinned.  He's already committed adultery in his heart, and 3 verses later, she's pregnant with his kid.

To make matters worse, he arranges Uriah's death.  Plus, after all this craziness, he takes forever and a day to confess his sin before God, and only after the priest guilts him up.

Years later, in 1 Kings 1, David's old and frail.  But I'm sure he could have been just as perverted, just as carnal, just as lustful as he once was Bathsheba with this new gorgeous gal, Abishag.  The Bible calls her beautiful, and if the Word of God is calling someone beautiful, then I'm guessing this Abishag was one sight to see.  So here's this beautiful Abishag, who is pretty much lying naked next to King David just to keep the old guy warm.  "But the king had no sexual relations with her."

What a change!

2 Samuel 11: David sees beautiful Bathsheba from afar, a woman who was minding her own business on another rooftop somewhere.  With temptation at a distance, he sins.

1 Kings 1:  David's lying right next to beautiful Abishag.  Next to her.  He's practically sleeping right next to temptation.  And yet, with temptation right at his door, he does not sin.  He remains pure.

Dang.  That's redemption.  That's full-circle redemption.  When Samuel had announced to Saul that God had chosen "a man after His own heart," i think that 1 Kings 1 illustrates a part of what Samuel had meant.  King David was a man after God's own heart, not just for the reasons played out during his youth and prime, but he was a man after God's own heart b/c of the forgiveness and repentance that he sought and had to daily fight and strive for even in his old age.  it was his acknowledgement of his flesh, the daily confession and repentance of that weakness, and the reliance upon God's grace that comprises one of the many things that makes David a man truly after God's heart. 

"Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight.  You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.  For I was born a sinner -- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me..Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...Don't keep looking at my sins.  Remove the stain of my guilt.  Create in me a clean heart, O God.  Renew a loyal spirit within me.  Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take Your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you."
- Psalm 51.4-12, NLT (written after the Bathsheba debacle)

i've been praying for this trait -- being a woman after God's own heart -- for several years now.  often, while i pray for this characteristic, i have this vague idea of what that means, but nothing concrete.  i once thought it meant being someone who possessed a gung-ho love for the nations and the lost or someone who was radically and revolutionarily in love with God.  and while those are characteristics that i also want for myself, 1 Kings 1 teaches me that being a woman after God's own heart is not something that i conjure up on my own.  it's not about me, it's not a passion that i can express, it's not a life vision that i can display.  being a woman after God's own heart is recognizing who i am, fully experiencing who God really is, discovering that i'm absolutely nothing without Him, realizing that it's only through Him that i can be clean, and daily coming to Christ, kneeling at His presence to be forgiven.  it's the everyday striving to fight my flesh and the simultaneous complete reliance and leaning upon His grace.  my heart craves to be a woman after my Lord's own heart, a woman with a transformation from 2 Samuel 11 to 1 Kings 1.  and fortunately, with great relief, i learn once again that it's simply in His presence and in His salvation that will lead me there.