the challenge of work

yikes....missed a couple days.  derf.

yesterday i appreciated: the challenges of work and the stretching of faith it requires 

i remember last year deciding to commit to staying for another year so that i could grow in prayer and ministry, a commitment that really set a lot of my plans out of motion since i was about 90% sure i was going to leave last year.  and after making that commitment, God provided a job for me the very next day, and its been interesting to see what God had in store for me to learn and grow in through this job.

there have been plenty of times, especially in the beginning, when i questioned whether i could truly have ministry and this job coincide and coexist.  when i was starting, there were a lot of schedule conflicts between church-related meetings and events and my shifts.  i work in the ER, so my shifts are all over the place and there's no regularity - i can work in the daytime, afternoon, overnight, weekends, weekdays, holidays, etc.  and i remember being so frustrated because i kept wondering..."God, if you gave me this conviction to stay to grow in ministry, how come you are making it physically and logistically impossible to do so with these schedule conflicts?"

over time, the conflicts lessened, and i see now how much God had stretched my faith and even my personal character.  i pray every day before going to work because i really am absolutely nothing in the hospital food chain.  i feel lesser than the fax machines in ER.  i honestly have nothing to offer.  i have no background in medical terminology, no formal medical knowledge, yet there i am amongst doctors, PAs, and nurses, and seriously, sometimes i feel like such a fool for being there.  who do i think i am?  i have nothing to offer, nothing useful to give.  plus, the liability issues are pretty big - if i mess up, im dealing with a patient's life here, and that's not just something to brush off.  because of all these things, when i first started off, i used to go into work with a lot of anxiety.  which physician was i going to work with?  was i going to screw up?  but this anxiety also led me to a daily desperation and humility.  i couldnt depend on myself cuz i literally was nothing.  i could only depend on God.  and even still, when i go into work, im seriously desperate for God's help to sustain and support me.  

im so thankful for how far God has taken me, not only spiritually, but character-wise as well through the challenges of work.  time and time again, after every tiring shift, im amazed and so thankful because it is God alone who does carry me through.  He's growing me as well to be more bold and confident in an unfamiliar atmosphere.  in the beginning, i was this mute asian girl.  but im learning to converse casually with the physicians (gasp!  figures of authority!) and even joke with the staff.  even all of this is by the grace of God, and i hope that God will continue to grow my confidence and remind me that im not living for my supervisor, the MDs, or the staff - i live for an audience of One and Him alone.